Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Spider's Personality Type/Romance Style

Are you ready, folks? This is the 1st dip into my personality. This is a long post, but you will really get into my head. . .which could be a fun trip for a lot of you. Below are the test results from Yahoo Personals. I have another set of results from another site that I will touch on in the near future.. I find personality tests highly amusing. Some I have found to be very useful in learning about myself, whether it be learning style or leadership style. Others are total bunk, like "What Sex in the City Character are You?"

The Yahoo test has your Personality Type and Romance Style. Let's look at my Personality Type, The Idealist, first. I'll give the bulk of it without comment, and then touch on the last bit. (I'll have a field day with the Romance Style.) To those that know me, whether from reading my blog or meeting me in person, do you think Yahoo got it right?

Your Personality Type: Idealist
Opening the world to new possibilities

- As an Idealist, your mission in life is to make the world a better place. You bring a unique combination of skills that make you a capable diplomat, advocate, and champion of those in need. You care about big ideas and big issues, but you're also dedicated to the lives of the people around you.
- In many ways, you're the ideal friend or co-worker. You have great empathy skills. You give sound advice, but more importantly, you know when to just listen. At work, you're a natural leader, facilitator, and energizer. You have a gift for promoting harmony and cooperation at work. In fact, few things bother you more than conflicts at work.
- Your hopes and dreams are very important to you, so you take other people's dreams seriously, too. Your friends and family know they can come to you for a booster shot of support and optimism, whether it's for pursuing their dream job or dream man or woman. Similarly, you can motivate teams and organizations to pursue more meaningful objectives.
- Most people have goals and dreams, but you're more likely than most to actually achieve them. You have a clear idea of what you want in life. You anticipate and plan around obstacles, and you're a sharp problem solver. Plus, it's pretty darn hard to discourage you.
- Idealists come in many varieties, from the academic to the applied. You have the capacity to balance both the ideas and the pragmatics. Only you know what you'll do with your many talents. Ultimately, whether you touch the world, your community, or simply your closest friends and family, it's Idealists like you that give us all the inspiration to dream and strive for something more.


What Sets You Apart?


1) You enjoy being around other people. Time spent with your friends and family energizes and strengthens you. (This is where I sometimes feel isolated in NYC and had to expand my circles of friends. Also, I have family I haven't seen in a long time and it tears me up inside.)
2) You have a sophisticated way about you. You're witty and savvy about how the world works. (Ok, I wouldn't say sophisticated, but I can be witty when I want to be.)
3) You're overly modest at times and tend to sell yourself short. (True, I guess I was being modest with my comment on #2)
4) You're poised and confident when you're out socially. (Isn't that just because I'm an Aries, and that all Aries are like that?)

Your Romance Style: ROMANTIC

You want and expect it all - a lasting connection with someone on every level -mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. (Hell yeah!! Because I deserve it all, damnit!!!)


- True Romantics like you are pretty rare. (Ya think!! I was the only guy on my hall in college looking for love and not ass!) You have a good imagination, (how did you know?) which allows you to visualize the type of woman you could fall in love with. You can actually see and feel the future happiness the two of you would share. You also have the patience and persistence to search for her. (When does patience and persistence become stupidity? I went 3 years without a girlfriend once, and who knows how long this stretch of singleness will last. Also, how many times can a man say "I love you" before she finally hears, and before he gets tired of saying it?. . . .and no, the answer isn't 42, Chris!!)


- When you finally meet her, the attraction can be instant and overwhelming. (Oh yeah, instant and overwhelming are understatements.) True Romantics believe in destiny(There is no such thing as coincidence!), but you're also willing to give fate a push in the right direction. If necessary, you'll even make a total fool of yourself to win her over. ("So many of us just fools for love") Romantics know that falling in love often means falling flat on your face. (I can't tell you how many times that has happened!)


- Still, if the two of you can connect, you'll have the capacity to experience the type of love most people only dream about.(A love to inspire the poets and songsmiths for generations to come? Yeah, maybe it is worth being patient and persistant for that) Specifically, your "style" of loving appears to have these common features:


1) You're most likely to fall in love with a woman who is independent by nature. (As I said in a previous post, a b.i.t.c.h.) She won't expect to merge her life with yours. Keeping separate friends, for example, will just give you more to talk about when you're together. (We are not angels each with one wing that can only fly when we are together. We are both angels, each with two wings, and we choose to fly together holding hands.)


2) Love and sexual infatuation are two very different things from your point of view. If you really love each other, you should be willing to wait a while before having sex. (Ha-ha, you said we should wait!) Sexual passion is fun, but the excitement tends to wane over time. Eventually, affection and companionship are as (if not more) important as sex. (Ok, this is true. Ideally, I'd love to wake up next to my best friend every morning. Well, and to have lots of sex with her!)


3) Both partners have to decide when they're ready to make a commitment. (SweetAmberNYC, see it's not me being chicken. It's knowing that "she" isn't ready. lol) You have to be sensitive to each other's needs. One shouldn't be kept waiting indefinitely, nor should the other feel rushed. The two of you have to agree on the level of commitment that makes sense given your feelings and how long you've been together. (You see, I like that. A relationship of equals based on mutual respect!)

Idealists in Love

Idealists are Romantics by nature. You love to be in love! You have the imagination to visualize the kind of love you want and the patience to search until you find her. (This patience thing is getting a bit annoying!!) You need someone who'll share your energy and enthusiasm for life and love. (Damn straight! She's got to be ready to take on the world, as I am.)

Well, I hope you enjoyed that fun-filled trip and analysis of me by Yahoo Personals. Some good stuff there, some bullshit, but fun nonetheless. Thanks for coming along for the ride with me.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Coming Like Light

I talked with a friend this weekend. A close friend of hers died in an accident a week ago and it had been a rough week for her. So I sent her a card Saturday morning with a quote from the song "Coming Like Light" by my former classmate’s band, IZZ. Basically the gist of the card was that I'm sending good positive thoughts your way, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know that sounds like I am trivializing the card, however the focus of this post is not the card but rather the song because I find it inspiring. (The contents of the card and my friend's grief are hers, and not mine, to share.) The song, on the other hand, is IZZ's and I can comment all I want on it. This is the part of the song I quoted:

"To love someone is to learn the song that is inside their heart
And sing it to them when they cannot remember how it starts.”
I will sing your song
When you need it, my love
I will sing your song
Be sure that with me you belong"

I really like that because we all forget the song inside our hearts from time to time, often when life gets too painful. I know I definitely forgot it when my cousin committed suicide. And the emails and calls I got from friends were those reminders of the song I have inside. (And I thank those of you who sent those. It really helped me get through a tough time.) So was spending time with my best friend, Steven. This fall will mark 20 years as friends. There are few people on this planet who know my song as well as he does. And I know his just as well.

My sisters, Katie and Kelly, are getting to know my song quite well. That wasn't always the case between us. When we were younger we did not get along. J4UNC and KRSONE know my song very well, as does Tesser. And they all helped remind me Who I Really Was when I forgot.

The verse that comes before the above quote I think really describes well what I feel when I "fall in love."

"So I start to feel creative in my mind
And I’m uninhibited for the first time in a long time
Then she speaks to me and stares into my eyes
And I’m suddenly aware that I’m alive, there’s no more lies"

Yeah, that's about right. You see, I perceive the world in music. When I meet people I hear music depending on what energies they are exuding. And when I meet someone that I find very attractive, oh boy! You should hear the music going off in my head. Sometimes though, the music will change as I get to know the person.

If the person is, for lack of a better word, "ugly" inside, or I find that we have things that clash, then the music become discordant and some times just stops altogether. I remember this girl in college, sweet person, but I just got such "off" vibes from her. I never could put my finger on it.

Now if as I get to know the person I see that there's a congruency inside, or things that inspire me, well then the music goes off the charts and I get that desire to be unhibited as the song lyric says. I guess I mean coming out from the walls that I built up inside (like I talked about in my post Seeing My Reflection In The Mirror). Anyway, I thought the song put it rather nicely.

Coming Like Light ends with the lyrics below. I like them because it is almost saying that we have the power to make the world what we want it to be. We can choose and create the love we want in our lives. The love we want for ourselves and for others. We can rage against the gray mundanity of living life at ordinary levels.


"And you can
Inspire
insist
tired
pissed
want more
demand
Of all that is gray and there and sold and gold and bland
make it through the day when wrapped around your finger
Is the song or is the piece where we all long to ever linger
But you can’t just conceive the words, believe the words
You know, you know, you move, create, your soul’s at stake
Cause love is what you make
You can make love
You can make love
You can make love…
Real love, true love, above"




I hope that when I die it will be said of me that through my life, and my love, that I inspired others to remember the song inside of their hearts when they could not remember how it starts. And that yes, here with me is where you belong. That place for the lovers, the dreamers and me. Well, either here or that place where to go you take the third star on the left and go straight on through till the morning. Both are very nice places to live. I think that is something noble for which I can strive.

(End note: If you enjoyed the lyrics from this song, I recommend buying the albums "I Move" and "Ampersand" from IZZ's website. Support original, home-grown music!)

Friday, June 24, 2005

Something Very Scary

I copy this from The Cunning Realist because it is just too scary not to make sure that everyone reads. The George W. Bush and Goebbel quotes I added, as well as link to an excellent retort of Karl Rove by Kristen Breitweiser, a 9-11 widow from New Jersey.

Very scary, folks. Very scary!

(If you don't want to be scared, just scroll down to the pics in the next post.)


Thursday, June 23, 2005


Darkest Instincts


The words of two men separated by almost sixty years, submitted without comment:


"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers. Let me just put this in fairly simple terms: Al Jazeera now broadcasts the words of Senator Durbin to the Mideast, certainly putting our troops in greater danger. No more needs to be said about the motives of liberals."

-Karl Rove 6/22/05

"Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country"

-Hermann Goering 4/18/46, when the gig was up

Below added by Spider

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." -- George W. Bush, May 24, 2005.

"If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." -- Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's chief propagandist.

Stinging response to Karl Rove by Kristen Breitweiser.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Photos from the Excuse Me Show

Hi Everyone,

I figured out how to do pictures. So here are some from the Excuse Me show on June 17th, and one from a earlier practice.

1.

Just the classic solo picture of a guitarist doing what he does best.

2.

Excuse Me rockin' The Lion's Den!!

3.

Yeah, bend those strings!!!

4.

Here I am at practice the first week of June. I've been hitting the gym. So those scrawny arms with be bigger next month!! ;-)

Packing and Moving

From the time I graduated college in May, 1998 to when I moved in with my ex-girlfriend in our house in Greensboro, July 2001, I had moved NINE times. That’s an average of 3 moves a year. Damn, I was a nomad! Add to that the move to NYC a year later, plus the move after the break-up, and the move coming this Sunday, that makes a total of 12 moves since graduating college. So that is 12 moves in 7 years. I don’t know what the average is with that because after I get to numbers larger than ten I want to use calculus and take the derivative or integrate something. (Only the math geeks are going to understand me there. It’s 1.714 moves a year if you really want to know the average.)

You would think that I would be used to it, or at least have this moving thing down to a science. For as much I am looking forward to this move I am having mixed emotions while I pack. Mixed emotions may not be the right term. There is some sadness in this move, like leaving a roommate I really like. However, there are many things I am excited about. With some of those things I am not even sure how they will happen if they happen at all. But that is part of the adventure, isn’t it?

Yes, there are exciting things afoot in my life. (Note, I didn’t say strange things. Because we all know that “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” And that is nowhere near Astoria.)

Tonight, I focused on packing my books. Within those books I kept a number of pictures and mementos. Going through those again caused memories of times past flood back. Most good, some bittersweet. I’m not going to share any here. Not trying to be rude, but their my memories. I want the time to remember them by myself as I pack.

I’ll relive some of them, try forget others. Mainly what I am doing in the emotional part of my brain is rearranging the data to make room for all the memories to come. Defragging the human hard drive, if you will. In a way, I am packing the memories up like my books. I need to make room.

There are exciting things afoot in my life for which I have to get ready. There will be more moves and more changes. . . hopefully it will be a lot of awesome stuff I won’t want to differentiate, integrate, find the average of, nor pack up any time soon.

(See, I can’t write short posts now and then!)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Excuse Me, Spider's Good Time Formula, & "Who Wants To Marry My Brother?"

1. The Excuse Me gig on Friday night went well. Out of a score of 1 to 10 I give ourselves a 7. Not bad for a first gig, but we need to be at least a 9 every gig. We knew our songs, but you can never predict what will happen at a gig. So we need tighten up and really work on what each of us needs to listen to catch our cues.

That said, I had a lot of fun. Actually, it was the most fun that I have had on stage in a long time. How could we not with the music of No Doubt. It's all about dancing and fun.

Also, Spider still has "it," and this time I wasn't getting checked out by midgets and grandmas! I got eyed up by some really hot women, and talked with a few as well. Granted, some of the conversation was vacuous as they talked, starry eyed, "Oh, you play guitar. . . ."

Yeah, getting attention from girls just because I play guitar can get repetitive. But I'll take it any way I can. I mean, isn't that why I swtiched from playing French horn to guitar in the first place? No girl goes for the French horn player. (Actually, they would if they really knew what was involved in playing the French horn. If you don't get that, email me.)

Our next gig is at the Pussycat Lounge on July 1st. That is going to be a fun gig. The second floor is the rock club where the bands play. The first floor is a strip club that you gain admission to when you pay the cover to see the band. Yeah, we know where Spider is going after he gets off stage! (And before I get on stage for that matter!)

2. I recently bought a new pair of shoes. So my left shoe squeaks with just about every step. It is really getting on my nerves!

3. I went to see a cover band on Saturday night in Hoboken, NJ with a really good friend. My friend, Tesser, was seeing this awesome cover band, Soulpatch, with my sister, Katie, in Greensboro at the same time. (I wish I was there for that show.) Anyway, I need to do that more often. I love seeing live music, particularly with good friends.

Let's see:

Loud Guitars + Good Friends + Good Beer + an Abundance of Good Looking Women = Spider having a real fun night!

4. I get the keys to the new place tonight. So excited!!!!

5. Dream Theater's new album Octavarium is excellent. They're my favorite band and I thought I'd give them a plug. I highly recommend it.

6. Talking with best friends on the phone at 4 in the morning is quite fun. Just don't expect much from me later in the morning.

7. I made my sister in Iraq laugh with the following. We had been talking through email about how she and my sister, Katie, are seeing people and I'm single. I joked that we should all be on a reality tv show called, "Who Wants to Marry My Brother?", much along the lines of "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?" I would go on all these dates and then the woman would have to hang with my sisters. And if they didn't meet Kelly and Katie's approval, then off the show they go. I said that I thought it would be hilarious to see Kelly and Katie's reactions to the various women, because you know they'll tell it like it is.

So Kelly writes that probably some of the women would be intimidated by her. I replied that I wouldn't doubt that. Though my sister is a sweetheart, she can be a baddass when she wants to be. And on top of that, she's an Army trained baddass! I think it would be hilirious if she were to come on the show in uniform and put the women through a "boot camp" to see who would be good enough to pass. I can just hear Kelly now, if full Staff Sergeant get up, saying:

"Are you crying, there little girl?!!! Did you break a nail!!!! Do you think my brother is going to give a shit about something petty like that?! He's a guitarist and breaks his nails all the time. Now drop and give me 20!!! Alright, the rest of you let's see what kind of bitch you are and see how rank up with the bitches of this family. Katie and Kristrina (our cousin), let's see what they're made of!!!"

(Explaining side note: All the women in my family are "bitches." They take pride in that. As a matter of fact, if you call me a "son-of-a-bitch" I take that as a compliment. I'll often counter with, "Oh wow, so you've met my Mom!" So any woman I do marry has to be be a "bitch" herself and be able to hang with the women of my family.)

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day

To the readers of my blog who are fathers, I wish you a Happy Father's Day.


This years is the first year in a long time that I sent my Dad a Father's Day card. You see, our relationship through the years has been strained, to say the least. I am not going to go into the details of our estrangement. I will keep that private between my father and I. Also, because we are still working through our reconciliation and I don't feel I can share some of the stuff without having his ok on it.

What I will talk about in this post are some of my feelings and the changes in perception that I have gone through this past year; changes that lead to me sending the first Father's Day card to my dad in roughly 7-10 years. If you've read my blog from the beginning you will recognize the following quote for Dr. Wayne Dyer: "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

Xmas 2004 was the first time I had called and talked with my Dad in about 2.5 years. And it was 2.5 years before that that I had talked or saw him last. Beyond that I can't remember. I guess at the crux of my apathy for communication, disdain and anger towards my father came from blaming him for most of the reasons of my parent's divorce. (There's other stuff, but again, maintaining privacy here.)

I guess I pushed him away or saw any retreat on his part as reason to push him away even farther. I thought I was alright with this. If Dad doesn't want to be part of my life, then fine! Fuck him! I then built a wall and facade of inner strength and said that I'm fine.

But I wasn't fine. And we all know what "fine" stands for:


Fucked Up
Insecure
Neuroitic
Emotional (Remember this saying for when your teenager tells you they're fine.)

What we resist, persists. Any anger, or negative emotion, we push down only returns in some other form and problem, most often more explosive and bigger than it original was. Ever try to stay afloat with a fully inflated ball between your legs? You ain't going to stay upright too long as the ball fights its way to the surface.

Such was me. I had the "Getting rid of you means getting rid of the pain" mentality. I had no contact with my Dad and I thought I was ok. But then why did I cry everytime there was a father-child moment on tv or a movie? And why did I become an asshole on Father's Day?

I read story in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. This guy had a college class where they had to write a one sentence thought down on an index card each Monday. They would give the card to the professor and he would return it on Friday with his response. One day this guy was so angry at his father he writes, "I am the son of an idiot!" The professors response was short and profound.

"Then what does the son of an idiot do for the rest of his life?"

This was a wake up call for the young man. He realized that he can not hold his anger towards his father as justification for his pissy mood or problems in his life. Ultimately, it comes down to the choices and decisions he makes that will steer the course of his life, not his father's.

Now, I am not saying my father is an idiot. Quite the contrary, he is quite the intelligent man. I think my love for Jeopardy and trivia comes from him. Also, he is the one who taught me how to play chess, a game I love to this day. But the professor's question still rings true in my life. "What does the son of an _______ do for the rest of his life?" Insert whatever word you'd like there. The fact comes down to that I have to decide how to feel and how to react and grow to the events and people of my life.

So I've decided that I have lived with the anger and negativity for too long. If the average life expectancy of an American male is 74-76 then I still have at least 15 years with my father still alive (well, if he quits smoking!!). Did getting rid of my father from my life get rid of the pain? Do I want to carry that negativity for another 15 years? Do I want to have those emotions inside me when I become a father one day? And do I want my father to pass without us ever coming to any resolution? Will that make the rest of my life pleasurable?

The answer is a resounding "No!"

The only thing, I've found, that gets rid of that inner pain is forgiveness. Drugs don't work. Alcohol doesn't work. Burying the pain under food doesn't work. Self-mutilation doesn't work. Becoming an over-achiever and workaholic doesn't work. And losing one's self in frivolous sex, nice and fun that it is, doesn't work either. So the time for forgiveness in my life has come.

Regarding forgiveness, here is a quote from a reviewer of the book Love is Letting Go of Fear by Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. "When we hold onto grievances we tend to use the past to predict a future in which we must be cautious and avoid being hurt. In contrast, giving love to others unconditionally will bring us the love that we all need. Forgiveness in this light does not mean that we tolerate behavior we don't like; it means correcting a misperception that we have been harmed; it means noticing our thoughts that create a fearful external world, choosing instead to see love in the world and to appreciate our common bond with others."

Hence, my call to my father last Xmas. I'm trying to call him every two to three weeks at least since then. I have emailed pictures of the important people in my life. And he reads my blog (when he doesn't get bogged down by my long-windedness.) to get to know me better. Are things 100% between me and him, have we broached some of the big issues between us yet? No. But we are making progress. "Baby-Steps!!" I think we have to get to know each other, for we have been strangers to each other for years, and work towards a friendship first.

But it feels good to let go of the past, the anger, the pain, and talk with him again. Speaking of which, I need to go now and give him a call.

(-Special thanks to Mrs. C. for her love, support and prayers regarding my relationship with my father. She took me to lunch after last Father's Day and we had a great discussion. Basically, she said, "Jim, my mother died before I was able to resolve things with her. You dad is still alive, you still have a chance. You can't go on living with pain in your heart for the rest of your life.")

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Reclaiming a Portion of Innocence (Music is Fun Again!)

With a weary body and mind I write today's blog. I didn't sleep well last night. I guess I was so jazzed after a really good rehearsal with Excuse Me. And it could have been the 16oz. Mountain Dew I drank during rehearsal. I went to bed around 1AM. Woke up around 3AM. Woke up again at 5:15AM. Then I was jolted back into consciousness by the hellions' game of soccer at 6:30AM. I can't wait to get out of that place!

Today's post relates to this week's Aries horoscope from
Free Will Astrology by Rob Bresnzy. Again, he makes some good points. And for once, it was really easy to see how it applies to my life.

For the week of June 16, 2005:

Aries (March 21-April 19)"You always learn your mystery at the price of your innocence," wrote Robertson Davies in Fifth Business. In the coming week, Aries, your assignment is to disprove this assertion. I think it will happen quite naturally; you won't have to exert yourself heroically. In fact, I predict you will demonstrate the exact opposite of Davies' assertion: As you dive deeper into the secrets of your greatest mystery, you will reclaim a lost portion of your innocence.


The immediate thing that came to mind was playing with Excuse Me last night during our 3 hour practice. The thing with this band is that it is FUN. I can't tell you the last time I had this much FUN with music. So many times with whatever passion we my have, we can get bogged down with the mundane work involved to do it. Or we may get overwhelmed by the amount of work it takes to get a project of the ground. We forget why we started doing it in the first place.

And that was because it was FUN. We enjoyed doing what we do.

My last band, Arden Reign, had gotten to the point where is was so unenjoyable to participate. Excuse Me, on the other hand, is all about FUN. How can it not be when No Doubt's music is FUN!! And I think that is the portion of my innocence that I am reclaiming.

Remember when making music was fun? Remember when acting, doing theatre was fun and not a job? Remember when you woke up excited to go work because you were helping people and not because you were just another cop doing your shift? Remember when you saw your work as a calling and not just another way of paying the bills?

Learning the music of No Doubt, particularly the guitar playing of Tom Dumont, had it's particular little difficulties. For one, I am not entirely proficient at playing reggae and ska rhythms. But after getting the songs down, it was all about jumping around, smiling and, come the gig on Friday, getting the crowd to have a good time. I have not had that in so long.

My calves had been hurting all day Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I couldn't figure out why. Then I get to rehearsal Wednesday night and we are jumping up and down for the song "Different People." Ahh, that's why!! You know, they never taught me how to play guitar while jumping like a pogo stick when I took lessons. I guess that is something you discover on the way while learning your mystery. And eventually your muscles learn to deal with the changes.

So I am excited for tomorrow's gig. I have an almost kid-like anticipation. Funny. If you told me I'd have this much fun playing in a cover band a few years ago, I would have said you were nuts. I only did original music, with just a handful of artful covers through in. Now I don't care so much. Sure I have my own music and the desire to create new pieces. But I think my priorities have shifted.

I Want To Feel Good!

I Want To Have Fun!


See you at the gig!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I've Got a New Place!!! (10 days and counting. . .)

Today, even though the sleep deprivation is hitting me hard, I am very happy. I say that because I put a deposit down on a room yesterday. And I really think that this is going to be A LOT better than where I am living now. If you've read my blog, then you know of the saga of the hellions upstairs. For the past 2.5 weeks, they have taken to waking up between 6:30 and 7:00 and making an unholy ruckus. Yesterday, they started at 6:15AM!! Never before have I wanted to kill children. There has been the desire to kill a few adults in my life, which has never been acted upon so far as you know, but never children. Until now.

So I answered an ad on Craigslist on Monday for a basement room in Queens. The room was HUGE and had an attached half bathroom, it's own entrance and a bar. (Yeah, baby! That's what I'm talking about!) I go visit the place, and meet Juan (not his real name). He likes me, I like him. He asks me to come back on Tuesday so I can meet his girlfriend, Juanita, who also lives there. (Juanita isn't her real name either. They're Hungarian, not Hispanic. However, their names are derivatives of each other. It would be like a Paul dating a Paula.) She's cool and so it's a go!

What is great about this situation is that Juan works in construction, so is gone for most of the week. And Juanita is a bartender who works from 5PM to 3AM. So it will be quiet!! When I'm home. No one will be there so I can practice and sing to my hearts delight. And when I am at work, Juanita is sleeping. How perfect is that!

And the room is HUGE!! It's almost the entire basement. It's HUGE!! It will be like I have my own studio apartment. Didn't I mention that it is HUGE!!!

Ok, I'll start moving some small stuff in next week, and fully move in on the 26th. That's just 10 days away! (I say 10 days because today is almost over.) All I have to do now is to hold myself back from killing the hellions between now and then.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The War In Iraq - A Perspective by A Conservative

So if you've read my blog from the beginning, you know that I am:

1. A liberal. (Like that was a surprise to you!)

2. Very much against the war in Iraq.

I never did get around to finishing my three-part postings about why the war in Iraq is wrong (wrong from it's pretense, wrong in how its been waged, and wrong in what it's effects will be).

Well, here is a link to a post by a Conservative's blog, that I read everyday, in which he tears apart the Iraq war and shows the parallels to the Vietnam War. You'd be surprise how much a true conservative and true liberal can agree on things. I say "true" because this adminstration (The Bush adminstration for those who live outside the U.S.) is anything but conservative. The Cunning Realist writes with such clarity that it is refreshing. I wish more Republicans were like him.

I haven't gone political with a post in a long time. But shit like this so irks me because my sister is over there in a war zone, and we're there for such the wrong reasons. And since we are wasting our resources in an illegal, immoral, and I will say at the moment, ineffectual war, the real enemy (Osama bin Laden and Al Queda) are still active and flourishing. Heck, the Iraq war and our treatment of prisoners is just fueling hatred of America. Also, because of wasting our time with Iraq other real potential enemies, who had AND have weapons of mass destruction (HELLO NORTH KOREA!!!) are getting stronger.

But hey, don't take this liberal's word for it. The conservatives are finally speaking out against this facist adminstration.

(More non-political stuff tomorrow.)

Saturday, June 11, 2005

New Self-Identification Term

My friend and I had an email exchange regarding our friends from college having kids and stuff. Those without kids think their friends with kids are a little weird. We're not ready to have kids, so stop telling us to make some!! Besides, shouldn't I get married before I start making babies? I don't want my kid to go, "Dad, how come my birthday is just 6 months after your anniversary?" But I digress.

My friend is married and busy working on her career. I tell her that I think she'll make a great mother. She reciprocates and says that I will be a great father and then calls me something I think I really like. Here is what she said.

"YOU will be a great Dad and THERE IS a lady out therefor you. If my little brother can snag a gal finally you can too - you're both musician sweetheart-weirdos!"

A "musician sweetheart-weirdo!" Yeah, I really like that. It has a ring to it. I think I will have to use that the next time someone asks me what I am.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Goddesses and Doormats

This one is a bit long (1,499 words long not counting this sentence). Sorry.

My eyes change color depending on what I wear. They are some conglomerate of blue, green and grey. And what color shirt I wear determines which color is accented. I point this out because the other day I specifically choose to wear a green shirt to work.

You see, there is a man in my company who has a crush on me. Let’s call him, Ernie. He is a bit older than me and according to my coworker, he thinks that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now I don’t mind Ernie’s admiration because I’ve said before, “The male ego has no sexual preference.” Besides it feels good to know that someone who is one, not a midget, and two, not an old grandmother, finds me attractive. (Side note: I went to the gym this week and there was a woman, who was short enough to qualify as a midget and appeared old enough to be a grandmother, who checked me out. Damnit!!! End Side Note.) If fact when he has seen me in this particular green shirt he has said me, “Jimmy! That shirt, your eyes, very sexy!!” To which I say, “Thank you, Ernie,” and smile.

Now Ernie was not in my office the day I wore that shirt this week. He has been at various other sites in my company. That made me a little sad because I was thinking of him, and his crush on me, as I was ironing the shirt that morning. The thought made me laugh. I normally don’t laugh before 8 AM (actually, I’m not capable of much before 8 AM), so that was a good thing.

I think it is important to know that someone finds us attractive, beautiful even. Because there are many times we can not see it in ourselves. And who cares if it is from someone that we wouldn’t go for in a millions years.

There was a time in my life where I just wanted to go up to every woman that I thought was beautiful and tell them that. I imagined the exchange would go something like this:

“Excuse me. May kindly ask your name?”

“It’s Sally.”

“Well, Sally. My name is Jim (Spider), and I just wanted to let you know that I think that you are beautiful. Good day.”

That would be it. Hopefully, it would make them smile. I wouldn’t try to pick them up or ask them out. That isn’t the purpose. I’m sure that I would have at least one woman ask me, “Wait! That’s it? That’s all you wanted to say? You don’t want my phone number?”

I’d reply, “Yes, that’s it. I mean, I’m not flirting with you. I don’t want your numbers. I don’t want to take you to dinner. I just wanted to let you know that I think that you are beautiful. That way when you are having a day when you feel at your worst and that there is no one in the world who would appreciate you, you can remember and tell yourself, “Well, Jim (Spider) thinks I’m beautiful.” And you can hold onto that truth until you believe it yourself again.”
(Then again, they may think me a nutcase and have me arrested.)

I did actually use a variant of this one time. I had hooked up with this theatre girl one night and the next day we were shopping in Waccamaw, a big house decorating store. (Oh, you may have started to see a pattern here with me and theatre girls in college. To be honest, I found most of them to be the most attractive girls on campus. They were talented, danced, sang. . .just was musician wants in a woman. Now if my undergraduate school had all the guitar slinging girls my graduate school did, then I would never have dated outside the music department.) So this girl, since she was small and pixie-ish, was sitting inside the shopping cart that I was pushing around. We were off by ourselves somewhere. I don’t remember how the conversation got to this point, but she says, “I’m nothing. I’m just trash.” At that point I stop the cart, tilted her head back, and said, “Nancy, ‘there are two kinds of woman in the world, goddesses and doormats.’ So long as one man worships your beauty, you are a goddess. And I know I can not be the only one. Never forget that.” With that I gave her an upside down kiss and she was silent for a few minutes. I think I even heard her sniffle.

I often wonder if she still remembers that interchange. I hope she does and that it still makes her feel good inside. (The quote that I used was by Pablo Picasso. And her name wasn’t Nancy. I think some of her friends may be reading this blog so I want to keep her identity somewhat secret.)

I never really got fully into telling people that they were beautiful. At the point where I felt like I really wanted to do it, and had gotten past any fear I may have had inside, I was dating someone steady and she was quite the jealous one. So I kept my thoughts to myself lest she thought I was flirting with other women. The truth was at the time that I was so into her that I really couldn’t consider flirting with someone else. Flirting implies trying to get something or somewhere. This would have been me just trying to touch someone else’s soul in a positive manner.

I say it way because a number of the girls that I wanted to tell that they were beautiful were in that phase where you can see that they were unsure of themselves. However, I could see what they were on the inside, and what they becoming, and that . . .that was where their beauty lay. I mean, for the guys reading this, what if someone woman told you that you were beautiful, or sexy, or attractive during those times when you were unsure of yourself? It’d really boost your confidence, wouldn’t it?

One night, during my “super-senior” year an older woman called my room. She was this amazingly attractive woman that I worked with, and she was a bit drunk. She proceeds to tell me what she would do to me if she wasn’t married, and if I wasn’t a student and if she didn’t work at the college. Like I needed anything more to fuel the fantasies I was having of her already! The next time I saw her, when she was sober, it was a bit awkward at first, but we smoothed things out. I told her that it really felt good to know that a someone did want me, particularly because of our age difference (I was 21 and she was 35, I think). It gave me hope that I would find someone out there, someone hopefully as sexy as she was. Nothing ever happened between “Mrs. Robinson” and I, but I keep those positive feelings with me to this day.

So what is holding me back now from telling those that I think are beautiful that they are? Nothing really. I have started telling some people. I just need to now get the courage to say it to the people I really don’t know. In New York, having a stranger come up to you and start talking is not the accepted norm. And I don’t want the person to come of thinking that I’m some nut-job. (Which they will come to know anyway once they get to know me.)

I want to person to feel that I’m being sincere, like I know Ernie is when I wear the green shirt. I’m straight, and Ernie is in a committed relationship, so there is less than a snowball’s chance in hell that anything would ever happen between us. It’s because of this, I know the sincerity of Ernie’s comment. He has nothing to gain by telling me that I’m “very sexy.”

Well, he does gain one thing. Seeing the smile on my face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ok Class, if you’ve read this far you now have to do the homework assignment. I want you to tell 3-5 people this week, who aren’t your family, significant other, or really close friend that you think they’re beautiful, or sexy, or something to effect that you see the goodness that they radiate. It could be a coworker, the cashier at CVS Drugstore, your mailman, I don’t care. That’s it, don’t try to pick them up. And then come back here and let me know what kind of reactions you got. Did you get a smile? Did they blush? And how did that make you feel?

A word of caution, doing this to the “hottie” chick while her no-neck, linebacker boyfriend is standing right there is probably unwise. I will not be held responsible if you get your ass kicked.




Thursday, June 09, 2005

Blogs I Read (Part 1)

Hi Everyone!! So I finally took the time to enter into the sidebar, on the right there, links to the blogs I read. So this post is an introduction to those blogs and their writers. I’ll try to a post in the near future of the websites and products I endorse. I encourage you to read through their blogs. They are some truly amazing people.

Without any further ado, and in no particular order, here they are.

Procrastinate With Me

This is the blog of my friend, Beth. I mentioned Beth way back in the beginning of this blog in the post titled Inspirations. She is one of the first inspirations for this blog. Once I saw hers, I said “I can do that.” Now, I have to say this about Beth. She is one of most amazing, caring, genuine people you will ever meet on this planet. Beth is definitely one of the good guys. Of course, I am bias because I have known her since 1995, recruited her to go to Greensboro College, worked really closely with her in Student Christian Fellowship and on a number of service trips, and was her roommate for 6 months, but I am sure that you will come to same conclusion after reading through her blog.

One more thing I really admire about Beth’s blog is her writing style. There is a natural poetry to her writing. Also, she can write with brevity; something I really have a problem doing.

Life Blog Actor

This is the journal of my friend, and actress, Ann Mahoney. If you read her heading, she is focusing on the leap of faith an artist takes when trying to do their craft full time. Ann is currently working on the movie “Big Mama’s House 2.” There really isn’t enough space here for me to talk about the amount of raw talent that Ann has, nor about the goodness of her soul. I have seen many actors in my life and she is one of the ones that has “It.” She deserves all the success in life.

In a recent post she paraphrased a book and I thought it was a great thought. "Sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold for a little while. You purchase them a little bit at a time. It's so much better than getting the whole thing at once!"

On a funny side note, and she is probably going to kill me for sharing this but, Ann was my first “real” girlfriend in college. We didn’t date all that long. I think about two months. That is ok, because I later developed a big crush on her roommate. Though nothing came of that. (Another case of me not having the balls to ask the girl out.) I can see it now, they’ll come interview me for some special about her life when she's big and famous.

Robin’s Random Rambles

Robin is an angel that happened into my life. She found my blog at random a few weeks after I started and has been reading it ever since. Robin lives all the way in Saskatoon, Saskatawan, Canada which is quite far from New York City. We’ve developed a friendship through email and comments on each other’s blog. Knowing that I had a new friend at a time in my life when I was going through some tough changes was a blessing, even if that friend was thousands of miles away.

Robin’s blog style is short, sometimes random, thoughts on life that she has. Again, brevity, a quality I often lack. And it is through Robin that I met the other Robin.

A.K.A. Binsk

Robin Alexa is this truly awesome, dynamic woman that lives somewhere in Canada. You may have seen some of her comments her on my blog. Robin gets really creative with her blog with cool photos of herself, funky backgrounds, and some really witty posts. I often imagine what it would be like to share a few Stellas with her, as she writes in her profile. I bet that would be a fun night. It is through Robin’s blog that I have become a regular reader of the following three blogs.

McG Hath Spoken

I just love McG’s sense of humor. I laugh with just about every post he writes. (Though, he has written some deep posts as well.) I find a kindred spirit in McG. I think he would have been someone that sat at the same table as me during lunch in college as we laughed over common topics.

Now McG and Robin Alexa, along with Madame DeBarge, Damien and HKD,are the writers of . . .

Content Whore

Ok, these people have sick sense of humor. So I feel right at home! There are times when they are so wrong, but being so wrong never felt so right. I can always go to Content Whore for a well needed laugh, and I go there often.


Midget Porn is My Anti-Drug

This blog is by this young woman in Ottawa named Ashley. She is a spitfire! God, there is so much explosive energy in her, both positive and destructive. And that is the beauty of her. She’ll vent with fantastic vitriol, but then turn around and write with such honesty about her feelings that it is touching. The post she wrote way back in her archives about the anger she has towards her father is pure brilliance. I’d link to it, but I’d rather you read through her blog to try to find it.

Again, it’s her stark honesty that I find so refreshing. Oh, just a word of warning. She will use the word “Fuck” more often than Joe Pesci. (She’d so fit in here in NYC.)

Sweet Amber’s Sanitarium

SweetAmberNYC is a co-worker of mine. I am really glad we’ve become friends. Part of me thinks it’s because we’re the only heavy metal fans in the company. She has written some great posts. I’d like to point out two in particular.
"Urban Tribe” and “Some Kind of True Story”. Single people need to read the first one and Metallica fans need to read the second one.

More to come this weekend!!!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Train of Thought, Sonata Allegro Form, Jeffrey Gaines & Excuse Me

Hi All.

Going to try to keep today short. Just wanted to talk about a few points.

1. So I tend to go off on tangents in my posts. However, if you look closely there is a reason that I go through those tangents. I do have a train of thought when I write. So it may not be obvious to all, but there is a thought process as I go from tangent to tangent. And I always try to connect them by the end of the post. The conclusion, if I didn't screw things up along the way, hopefully ties the post together. I guess you can say I'm trying to follow a literary version of the sonata allegro from.

In the Classical Period of Music, the first movement of a symphony was almost always in sonata allegro form, consisting of three sections: the exposition, the development and the recapitulation. In the exposition, a theme and counter-theme are presented. These are expounded upon, along with new semi-related material during the development. Finally they theme and counter-theme are represented in the recapitulation as the piece heads home.

I tend to fashion my writing to that pattern while trying to keep things at less than 13-1500 words. I spent so many years analyzing sonatas that the form has been ingrained in my subconscious mind. It naturally comes out in my writing.

2. Yesterday morning, I get a "friend request" on Myspace from Jeffrey Gaines. He is a songwriter I admire very much. I was totally stoked and completely surprised by this. I guess he found me because I list him in my in my music list. Totally cool!! I love this Myspace thing, and I love blogging, because it has connected me with so many new people, and reconnected me with so many old friends.

3. So I've joined up with this band, Excuse Me. They are a tribute band to No Doubt. I know, not normally something I'd do. However, this sounds like it is going to be so much fun. And I need that! Lord knows I can be way too serious at times and need to have fun. Plus, I can't wait to be on stage again. I love performing.

And the band members are really cool and fun. I wasn't going to audition, but this is really the first time someone asked me to audition based on who I am and not how long I have played my instrument. The lead singer read my ad looking for music friends. She then when to my Myspace profile, read my blog and felt that we were kindred spirits. In talking with her, and playing with them, I see we are. So this is going to be a new adventure. I'll let you'll know of our upcoming gigs. The first one is June 17th.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Summertime and livin' aint easy. . . .

Summer is here in NYC. The Solstice hasn’t happened yet, but the heat has finally hit. This weekend, with its temperatures in the upper 80’s, banished any memories of the arctic winter we had. While I am not ready for the sweat and humidity that comes from summer, I am thankful for one thing: Pretty women wearing less and less. That is one of the few things that I really like about New York City. Now I know this can spark an argument about which city’s women are the sexiest (and I know that MCG would say that the woman of Florida are the hottest), but NYC’s girl just kick ass. And they will kick your city’s girls’ asses, no doubt!

But am I in a place to enjoy said New York women? Of course not. Sure I feel spring and summer’s hormones raging through me, but I have the stress and hassle of a move coming up. And last week’s post about Sirius Satellite Radio’s ad really had nothing to do with any frustration. Now if you read in a couple of weeks that I end up hooking up with the pretty girl in my office that wears too much make-up, then you’ll know the frustration has gotten to me. Those who know me know that I hate fake chicks like that. (And that girl in the office really is prettier when she doesn’t wear make-up.)

I searched for apartments most of the weekend, with visiting a few on Sunday. Throw in with that a little worry about the work I need done on my car, along with figuring out how I will pay for it all and Spider’s in no place to be chasing women. Grr!! At least I still have July and August coming up.

So the focus about this post isn’t about women. It isn’t even about the total lack of my sex life right now, which really isn’t different from the year after college. Come to think of it, it really isn’t any different than a couple of the years during college. The only difference is that I don’t have my Mom sending me condoms now. Yes, my Mom sent me condoms while I was at college. Actually, in one shipment she sent 144 of them (12 boxes of 12). I said, “Mom!! Who do you think I’m having sex with?!” And she replies, “Well, it can be like a wish-list kind of thing.” Don’t you wish you had a Mom like that?

You see, I was looking for love and not sex back then, unlike so many of the guys on my hall. I was this romantic that felt that I needed to know that the girl loved me, and I loved her before having some full physical fun. There was even one night where this beautiful girl, in my room and on my bed, told me to prove to her that I didn’t suck, but licked as I so often said. (As in, “Spider, you suck!” “Um no, I lick. If I sucked, then I would be a theatre major.” (For those who don’t know, 8 out of 10 male theatre majors at my school at the time were gay.)) Sorry to say folks that I didn’t rise to the occasion there. And yes, I know how bad a pun that was! I blew her off with some remark about being “careful about what you wish for you may regret it”, or something stupid like that, because there was something deeper going on inside of me I was trying to hide. . . the fact that I had fallen for her.

She and I were talking a few months ago. And she asked me why I didn’t “prove it” that night. I told her the truth; that I had wanted her heart more than I wanted what was between her legs. And I wanted her heart before I got into her pants. . .not that what’s in her pants wouldn’t have been nice and all. I guess I am still the romantic I was then because I still want her heart first before I get into her pants, and I told her that. Perhaps that is why she introduced me to one of her friends as a "hopeless romantic." (I should have countered that, saying to them, "I had to be if I was in love with her.") However, even that isn’t the point of this post! (And that is a story for another day. Preferably when I have had some wine. Ok, a lot of wine! Oh, and the next time a woman is in my bed telling me to "prove it," I'm not going to be an idiot. She'll get a proof darnit, even if it's for the Pythagorean Theorem!)


Then what the hell is this post about, Spider? Well, it about recognizing the changes of the seasons of our lives; something for which I am usually never prepared, particularly summer. And this happens to me every year.

Do you think I have enough t-shirts in good condition to wear? Of course, not. I’m lucky I still have the “man-dals” from last year. It was a hassle to get those in August. You’d think they’d still have summer stuff available in August, but NOOO they’re already selling stuff for the fall. But I don’t need stuff for the fall in August. Have you ever tried to by cold weather stuff in March? Can’t get it because they’re selling stuff for spring, even though its still balls cold outside! So I guess I am always a few months late.

And am I prepared for the stress of the weeks between here and until July 2nd? I’m getting there. I really am not looking forward to packing nor living on an austerity budget. Though, if things can swing the way I hope they will I will be in North Carolina for the week of July 4th. Boy, will I need that! I can see my sister and reconnect with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. And I’ll try to see my friend with whom I share my birthday. Though, her work in the theatre keeps her busy. Hopefully, I will also get some pool time in there. This is one white boy who needs some color!

Yeah, I think by the end of August I’ll be ready for summer. But by then, everyone else will be heading into the fall. Maybe by fall next year, I’ll be caught up to everyone. Either that or I might end up ahead of y’all and be wearing my Easter outfit at Christmas. That's alight because the women of New York City will still be kicking ass then as well.

Friday, June 03, 2005

What A Man Wants

Just a word of warning, this post will be in the gutter. Don't say I didn't warn you! (I do have posts about deeper material in the works.)

I was listening to the radio as I was driving to work the other day (which annoyed me in and of itself because I live 1.3 miles from my job and enjoy the walk, but there is this Alternate Side of the Street Parking crap here in NYC that I have deal with). There comes on a commerical starring Eva Longoria from Desperate Houseswives. And she says with the sexiest, sultriest of voices, "I know what a man wants."

My immediate response was, "Of course, blowjobs."

Eva repeats, "I really know what a man wants."

Again, my response is "Eva, of course you do. Blowjobs!"

Eva, undaunted by my responses, retorts, "What a man really wants is Sirius Satellite Radio."

Um, No Eva. And No, Sirius Radio. You're marketing ploy fails to take into the basic nature of men. Come on fellas, given the choice between a month of Sirius Satellie Radio or a month of blowjobs what are you going to pick? Not a hard decision there, folks!

Now, if you gave me the decision between a blowjob and a brand new Gibson Les Paul electric gutiar that's a little harder. Ok, guitar wins on that one.

I think if Eva gave her man blowjobs instead of Sirius Radio she wouldn't be a desperate houswife.

Of course, I say all this as I am neither getting blowjobs nor do I have Sirius Radio. Maybe if I had Sirius Radio I'd see that it could be better than a blowjob. Though, I don't know how.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Room, A Room, My Kingdom for a Room. . . .

The apartment hunt has started in full earnest. Nothing like going through hundreds of ads of people seeking roommates. Can you sense my excitement? It's is slowly building to epic proportions.

Here's is the crux of the search. I need to find a place, within my price range, that will be convienent to commute to Astoria, where my job is currently located, and then Hollis, where my office will be moving to in September. Also, I am looking for a somewhat decent neighborhood. I am not particularly interested in a loft, no matter how nice it may be, in a former industrial areas that looks at night like the setting of a post apocalyptic urban horror movie . . .complete with C.H.U.D.S. (Please say that someone gets that reference!)

Also, there can't be any damn, bloody hellions upstairs!!!

So starts the process of answering ads and hoping something works out. It's obviously going to be a numbers game like everything else is, particularly dating. I once had a friend who basically asked to have sex with just about every woman he met. Sure he got slapped a lot. But you know, his .100-.200 batting average was better than the no nookie I was getting at the time. Anyway, you get the idea.

Back to the classifieds. . . .