This Would Be My Marriage. . . .

(Click on picture to enlarge.)




That's my kind of woman! Though, my response would have been more like, "Excellent projection! Though, we need to work on the resonance."

Talking to John at Work, Pt 1

So I had a deep blog post ready for today about how good of a day Wednesday had been. That will wait until tomorrow. I'm going to write about a frustrating experience I had today while trying to take a crap at work. Yes, I am talking about pooping at work. C'mon, we've all done it. I know it's uncomfortable to go to the bathroom other than our home base, but sometimes nature calls unexpectedly.

In my second job out of college, I was an Admissions Counselor for my alma mater, Greensboro College. Our office was a house at the front of campus. Beautiful house; worse bathroom layout ever. The bathroom that was delineated for the staff men's room was near the open air and near all the other office rooms. Our staff was majority female. I hated going to the bathroom there if my stomach was exploding.

However, since I was the Fine Arts Recruiter, I would make daily trips to the Music Building. "I'm going to Odell!" became my phrase as I would leave with a magazine buried under my admissions paperwork. I soon discovered, however, that going to the bathroom in Odell Building, and really anywhere on the campus, was unpleasant during the North Carolina summer because of lack of air conditioning in the bathrooms. Every building on campus, even the really old ones, had been fitted with central air, except for the bathrooms. What fucktards designed that!?! Who wants to break out in a massive sweat as they are having gastronomiconomic muscle contractions? Good thing that the newly constructed science building rectified that architectural mistake.

But I digress. This post is not intended to be a discourse about how I have creatively found ways to poop at work in comfort and privacy. Nah, it is about today. So because of certain work conditions lately, I have routinely been the only one in my department physically in my office. My teammate administrative assistant from the Medical Dept. was moved another location months ago. On my floor is another department. And when I don't answer my phone it bounces over to their receptionist.

Now there must be some corollary to Murphy's Law that says that the odds of the phone ringing are in direct proportion when you are away from your desk. I can sit at my desk for two hours, not a peep. However, the minute I go to get a cup of coffee. . . .BANG!!! I get three calls at once from every director in the agency looking for stuff to be done stat! It always works that way.

So our bathrooms are out in the hallway. And sure enough, nine times out of ten when I go, I hear my phone ring. And times, when I am really, um, shall we say indisposed because I had the three-alarm chili bean dip for lunch the receptionist on the other side will invariably answer my line. Now instead of doing the smart thing and taking a message, she'll put the person on hold and yell out my name!!

"Um, he seems to have stepped away from his desk."

Ya think!!! There I am in the bathroom scrambling to pull up my pants because I know the receptionist probably said something fucktarded and I'll have to smooth over some disgruntled director or board member. It's even gotten to the point where I bring the office walkie-talkie into the bathroom in case my boss's boss, who is a type-A heart attack waiting to happen, calls.

"Jim, WHERE ARE YOU?!!! Why aren't you answering the phone?!!! Why isn't there anyone in your office?!!

"Um, Sir, I'm taking a shit. And my boss, and the other supervisors are all out at the houses they supervise, as their job description describes. Have you tried getting them through the walkie-talkie?"

"Oh. Sorry. Call me when you're done."

So this afternoon, as I felt the falafel sandwich with everything and hot sauce turn my stomach right round baby right round, I emailed the receptionist, so I wouldn't have to say it out loud for her entire office to hear, that I was going to be indisposed (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) for a few minutes, would you please take any of my calls. It was supposed to be discreet.

What does she does? She opens the email, and READS IT ALOUD at a volume her entire office can hear! All the other receptionist/assistant needed to do was keep it to herself, and if someone called for my department say, "Jim is indisposed at the moment. May I take a message for you? He'll call you back as soon as he can!"

Nah, that would take to much thinking. Just one more reason I need to start my own business. So I can crap in peace while I am at home doing work.












(This picture graciously borrowed from Things I Hate About My Flatmate. I have to properly site my sources, like the good liberal arts student.)

Birthday Weekend Round-Up (3/31 - 04/02)

( FYI: This post was started on Wednesday 04/05/06 and finished Friday 04/07/06. I've just been insanely busy to finish edit and post it. Sorry!!!)

Hello Spider-fans!

It’s a glorious Wednesday here in NYC and . . . . ok, I’m lying. It’s not a glorious day. It’s partly cloudy and cold again. A bitter turn from the beautiful weather that I had for my birthday weekend. (Side note: Just got to a give a big shout of thanks to the Big Guy and Mother Nature for that awesome birthday present! End side note.) We actually have snow right now!! The warmth of spring was just an April’s Fools joke I suppose.

My birthday weekend was great. I wish I had more descriptive words right now, but I am at work and the brain hasn’t checked in yet. Friday night, I went out to Woodhaven House, and Irish Pub & Restaurant near my house that has great food. It was a mix of family, old friends and new friends. A great birthday night.

Saturday, was a mellow day of lessons. The highlight was going to Radio City Music Hall to see my favorite band Dream Theater perform the last concert of its Octavarium tour, and a celebration of 20 years of making music. To say the concert was outstanding would be an understatement. This show made into the top three concerts I have ever seen.

Dream Theater started out playing a couple of songs from the new album, and then went on a career retrospective playing one song from ever album they have every done, even one from their demos when they were known as Majesty. The first set ended with the song “The Spirit Carries On” from their concept album Scenes From a Memory. There was a 15 minute intermission. We were all excited as they still have three more albums to play through. Instrumental music to the Overture of the title track of the album Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence started before the curtain rose. As soon as the crowd recognized it, they went nuts. The curtain opens and there's a 25-30 piece orchestra playing on the back part of the stage. The crowd went nuts even more. Dream Theater then came out and performed the 42 minute Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence in its entirity.

The orchestra stayed on stage for the rest of the show as Dream Theater performed Vacant from the album Train of Thought. The only album left was Octavarium, of which I knew they were going to perform the 24 minute title track. They didn't dissappoint with that. But first they played two other songs from that album. One in particular that was extremely touching, but at the same time painful, was "Sacrificed Sons," which is about 9-11, particularly the Twin Towers and NYC. Dream Theater is a New York band. This is their home. So it was very apropos to play that song here. And I now every New Yorker in the crowd was touched as I was. The encore of the show was the song "Metropolis Pt. 1" from their album Images and Words. A fitting end for the show.

I know I wrote a bit about the show, and if you're not a Dream Theater you don't get what I wrote. Let's just say that it was an amazing experience. And you if you have like progressive rock or metal in any fashion, you owe it to yourself to check out their music. I was lit up on the train ride home. A high that came from an evening of incredibe music. I can't wait for this show to come out on DVD.

Sunday was a day of relaxation, which I needed. I don't get many of those. Pictures of the birthday night to come soon! I promise!

Imagine This. . .

(Written by me, April 1993 (in other words, when I was 17.))

Imagine this world was as beautiful,
As that flower about to bloom.
And that statement was true,
"The light and good will always shine through."

But I know this world isn't that pretty,
And light and good are just figments,
In a young child's mind, young as a flower,
A flower in the middle of a deep, thick forest.

Whose canopy, has for centuries, darkened the forest floor,
So that very little light from the sun reaches it.
There on the forest floor is where you'll find a place,
A place very similar to where my flower grew.

Sure it would have been nice to grow,
In those few well light places,
But most of the forest is in darkness,
Where the light and good don't shine through.

So the flower wilted for a time in the shade of the big trees,
Till it saw the other flowers blossoming and said,

"I want that!"

But deep in its heart of hearts,
It knew that it would never be in the light for a long time.

This made the flower said and it wilted some more.
It wanted to bloom like the others, but no light shined upon it,
Till it said, "Let me make my own light!"
So from deep within its roots a changed occurred.

Energy coursed through its petals,
And for the first time it blossomed.
The other flowers stared in awe.
They had never known any other light and good,
Except that which was given to them by the sun.

Now to see such light and good radiate,
From a flower in the darkness amazed them.
What surprised them more was that the flower,
Grew faster than all of them,
Because the light and good came from within.

It was strong than any light and good that,
Could ever come through the canopy of the trees.
That light and good didn't shine through,
And probably never would have.
That flower had to create its own light and good to survive.

Just like a life that has begun to bloom,
It needs to create its own light and good,
To live, to see, to enjoy beauty.
All the life has to do is remember light and good,
Come from within and just Imagine This. . .

Out of George Carlin's Mouth. . .So It's Has to Be Right

On Men's Names:

"I hate guys named Todd. It think that's a goofy fucking name. All the boy names that have come along --Taylor, Tyler, Tucker, Carlson, Cassidy, Cody, Flynn -- they're not real names! A real name is Jim."

(Added emphasis is mine. . .of course.)

Thanks Mom and Dad for giving me a real name!