My Answers to Deep Thoughts (Part 1)

Wow, some really good responses to those questions. I have much to write and share, but I will try to be as brief as I can (which for me is hard). I will have to split my thoughts up into probably three posts.

The bulk of those questions, the deep ones at least, have been on my mind for the past two weeks because I recently had some of my core values and beliefs rattled. I can't really go into the hows and whys right now. But questions 1,2,3,5,6,&8 come from said rattling. Not that I've really changed my beliefs on these questions, but I need to reexamine them, which is good to do from time to time. Now onto my thoughts and some of your comments.

Question 1. "What are the healthiest ways to deal with pain?"

-This question relates to #5. Pain in life is inevitable. And I've realized that pain is pain, it really doesn't matter how long you've endured or to what magnitude. When you get into the game of who has endured the most pain, or for the longest time, you are just playing martyr games.

Last week, I got into an interesting discussion with a new friend about Ego Defense Mechanisms, all of which are ultimately unhealthy ways of dealing with pain. There are healthy ways, such as releasing or creative endeavors, that will turn the pain into something positive and not have it control your life. My sister, Kelly, wrote something quite profound that I like. (Actually, I will be quoting her a bit.)

"The healthiest way to deal with these kinds of pain is to talk about it, is to deal with it, because it's not going to go away if you don't. Talk about the situation that caused the pain. The best person to talk about it with would be the person that is either in the situation with you or has caused the pain in the first place. So you can get finality on it and move on.

But if that is not an option just opening your mouth to anyone that will listen or someone that you trust has a good head on their shoulders or a professional who can show you a healthier ways to deal with the pain is always the next best thing especially if we are not exactly sure what caused it. In other words, quick and to the point, the healthiest way to deal with pain is not to deal with it alone!"

My friend Robin also said something I like. Short and simple, she said, "Use your creative outlets." Turn that pain into something beautiful or productive!


Question #2 "Does living "one day at a time" really make that much of a difference?"

-Again, many good answers on this and much to quote. This question comes from an interaction with someone who loves the songs I quote below, but doesn't believe or live the message yet. In a recent argument, this rattled me so much I had to take stock as to why I think "one day at a time" really makes that much of a difference.

I do "take tomorrow, one day at a time." Any more and life becomes overwhelming. This is not to say that I just "live for the moment" and not make any future plans. (Great point there, Rachel!) And, it also means not forgetting the lessons of the past (thank you, Win), while knowing that the past does not equal the future. So each day is a choice for me to embrace life. I have tried just about every other way (with the exception of drugs) to deal with the inevitable pain of life, and this is the only way that I've been able to keep my sanity. Lyrics from two songs really capture the spirit of this.

"There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No Day But Today

There's only now, there's only here
Give in to Love, or live in Fear
No other path, no other way
No Day But Today" -from the musical, RENT

"Give me all your fear,
Throw it all away,
Think about the good things,
No matter what they say
And we'll take tomorrow, baby
One Day at a Time." -"Take Tomorrow (One Day at a Time)" By Butch Walker (Actually, the entire song is amazing.)

Again, my sister wrote something profound in response to this question. When I read it to my co-workers there was a stunned silence and then a "Wow, that really puts it in perspective."

"That answer is a big fat "HELL YES!" I'm really wondering why you would question that. But I'll answer it anyway. . . Right, now in whatever situation you may find yourself in Living one day at a time doesn't always seem like that much of a big deal. And honestly, I think with everyday life people lose sight of the real meaning on living one day at a time. Until they find themselves in a predicament that they can't handle and is so overwhelming for them that they don't know what to do. Living one day at time means to keep things simple and appreciate the things you do have today and be humble about it. If your still having problems on seeing that. I'll show you. . . Ok, think of what ever you are doing in your life right now that is making you question why living one day at a time would make a difference. Now, sit down, take a step away from it and think. I mean really think. Ok, now that you thought about flip it and put yourself in my shoes.

I have no choice but to live "one day at a time" because I'm alive today. I was blessed and able to wake up this morning. I wasn’t killed by a mortar round in my sleep, or a stray bullet going through my tent, or out on patrol looking for bombs or on the convoys that I go on almost daily/weekly. So all I have is one day at a time. If I sit here and worry about tomorrow (which may never come) or worry about what I'm going to do when I get back home 117 days away. I'll just be driving myself crazy today, and not appreciate the things I can do and do have. I don't believe living one day at a time with a conscience for the future is living with faith. Living one day at a time with a conscience for the future just makes question # 1 and life in general a little easier to deal with."

Thanks Lil' Sis for making the current problems in my life seem small and managable. And that is as good as any a reminder to live one day at a time.

More coming in Part 2.

Keep Those Answer Coming!!

Hi All,

Thanks to those who posted or emailed me comments regarding my last post. To those that haven't responded yet, please do. You are giving me a lot of food for thought. I'll reply to some of the comments in the comment field of that post. And then in a day or two, I will reply my answers to the questions, interesting thoughts from people regarding the questions, and where the question was coming from.

Ok, back to work for me. Busy few days ahead.

-Spider

Random Weekend Thoughts (Some Deep)

Don't have much to write as I am busy trying to recover from a hectic week and the emotional roller coaster that was my trip to NC. Lots of thoughts and questions going through my head that I am trying to process. I'll let you in on them. If you have any words of wisdom or experience, please email me or comment and I will take them into consideration as I try to "grok in fullness." (If you do not know what the word "grok" means, go here.)

1. What are the healthiest ways to deal with pain?

2. Does living "one day at a time" really make that much of a difference?

3. Is hope real, or is it just denial candy-coated?

4. Why is it that there has only been four dogs that I can tolerate, let alone really like? Those four being my aunt's dog Sunrise, God rest her soul (Sunrise, not my aunt), my ex-girlfriend's dog, Nico, Tesser's dog Ember, and my Mom's dog Baer. (Don't ask me how my Mom, who is Puerto Rican, ended up with a Jewish dog.)

5. Is joy really a choice? As in: "Pain is inevitable. Misery an option. Joy/Happiness a choice."

6. Isn't everything else good in life, then, also a choice? Examples: real love, forgiveness, peace, health, harmony, etc.

7. Would anybody be terrible upset if I killed the "Fanta Girls"? You know, those four girls in the different color outfits singing the stupid "Fanta" song in the commercials for Fanta soda that are just so fucking annoying.

8. Does "settling down" mean settling down? Is there such thing as settling up? And aren't we really settling for less than we deserve if we don't settle up?

9. Why do I have to tackle all these deep issues? Why can't I be concerned with stupid shit like the Mets or the Yankees or whether Jessica Simpson is or isn't going to break up with her husband?

10. Why do I feel that every list has to end on a number that is a power of 5?

Things that Rocked This Wednesday!

So I had a really good day yestiday. When those happen I have to take a moment to give thanks. Here are some of the things that make it a great day.


1. My friend had called me last Saturday and said that he had an extra ticket to see a taping of The Daily Show with John Stewart for Wednesday (yestiday), would I like to go? Hell yeah!! That show is funny as shit and Jon Stewart is a genius.

We waited outside for about two hours and then waited again inside for about 40 minutes. It was awesome to be in the audience and see how a show is produced. And The Daily Show is just as fun in person as it is on TV.

2. I finished Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince yestiday right before the show. I would have finished it over the weekend, but the long drive back to NYC cut into my reading time. (Well, that and staying up until 8 am and other things.) Really good, loved the twist at the end. AND, Stephanie D., I was right about who Hermione ends up with!!! (But you win on the Cave thing.) I just hate that I finished it before the show because it left me with nothing to read on the subway ride home. That and we will have to wait two years for the final installment.

3. Had a really good conversation with a new friend regarding the seven psychological defense mechanisms. Very enlightening. Don't have much more to say about that topic. Just I like learning new things.

4. Had a really good Instant Message conversation with a friend in NC. We were joking a little and she said she would have no problem with me dating her daugther. (The daughter is 21.) I laughed because the moms always love me. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard, "Spider, I wish my daughter rather than the asshole she is dating." or "Jim, I'd love it if you were to become my son-in-law one day". . .well, I'd have a lot of dollars. At least enough to go to the movies a few times here in NYC.

However, Mom(s), I'm not the asshole and that's why I can't get your daughter(s) to go out with me. But that's ok, my mom would kill me if she found out I was an asshole to a lady. And then my sisters would dig up my body and kick my ass again. And then there are my female cousins who would have a round with me.

5. Eating ice cream at the end of a very hot, humid summer day is the perfect way to end it. (Ok, not the perfect way in my book, but damn near up there.)

(P.S. "yestiday" is the way I spell yesterday to make it sound like I say it with my New York accent. Tesser always picks on me when I say words like that and "restida.")

Photos From July 9th Gig

Reflections from Time Off

1) The Outer Banks of North Carolina are beautiful. Plain and simply, beautiful. The four days I spent there were so relaxing and fun. I smiled pretty much constantly the entire time there.


2) Sleep still escapes me. . .that is what I get for sharing a hotel room with someone who snores like a wildebeest. Even my earplugs couldn't block the sound.


3) I really need to learn to relax more. I keep stress inside me. I keep a lot inside me. Hopefully, my workaholic pattern won't give me a heart attack before 35.


4) Some dreams you hold onto and work out quickly. Some dreams need to get deferred for a time to the future. ("God's delays are not God's denial.") And some dreams may never get attained because of forces outside your control, so you let go of them to pursue the one's that can be achieved.

I think that some part of wisdom, and the pain of life lessons, is learning this distinction and making choices so you can live life without regrets (or as close to that as possible.)

Or this could be all bullshit and I will change my mind about this sometime in the future. . .which I will probably do anyway.


5) My name is Jim and I suffer from "Noassatall." My dad's name is Jim and he suffers from "Noassatall." My best friend's father's name is Jim and he suffers from "Noassatall." I encountered 4 other Jim's during my trip. All of them suffered from it as well.

I wonder if this is an epidemic among Jims.


6) Words of wisdom from Tesser's brother, "Spider, life is too short to drink cheap beer!"

Well said, my friend. Well said!


7) The toast I said at the dinner my sister and I cooked Friday night:

"To best friends who have become brothers, (referring to my best friend that came over)
To sisters who have become best friends,
To best friends who have become lovers, (referring to my sister and her new boyfriend who was her best friend for years first)
May the fun and love this family have never end."


8) If I let a friend into the darkest room of my heart, would they, could they, love me still even if I can't love myself because of it?


9) Finally, never drive back to NY after only getting 3 hours sleep in 48 hours. It does not make for a fun drive. (Oh yeah, Baltimore sucks!)

Going to Carolina in My Mind

Ok, maybe not. I'm going there for real!! I so need 4 days on the beaches of the Outer Banks of North Carolina!!

So there'll be no more new posts from today until at least the 18th of July. Have a great week!


I'll miss you!

(Ok, maybe not that much. ;-)

-Spider

Continuing Proof of My Geekdom + Something Funny

So I am walking home with some new musician acquaintances that I met on the Fourth of July. We all had gathered at my professor's apartment near the United Nations school (on the east side of Manhattan) to watch the fireworks. His apartment community is right on the East River and we a had prime viewing position. I have never been that close to a fireworks show!! And this year, they were spectacular!

As we are leaving, one of the guys says, "Cool! That kid has the sword from the Thundercats!"

Without missing a beat, I say. . .


(Giving a pause so my fellow geeks can give the answer without me prompting it.)



"Oh, the Sword of Omens."

The two guys stop and look at me. I mumble something about being an uber-geek. Thankfully, they said, "Oh, you're in welcome company here." Whew!! We then started talking about all the Thundercat characters and story lines.

Yup, I'm a geek.


_________________________________________________________

We were talking in my office today about tattoos and piercings. I have a tattoo on my shoulder and I have had my nipples pierced. (I had taken them out at some point.) Well, I said that I was thinking about getting my nipples re-pierced while I was done in North Carolina next week.

My co-worker says, quite honestly, "You mean the same nipples?!"

Stunned, I replied deadpan, "No, the pair that I have on my back!"

What other nipples would I have!?!

The Countdown Has Begun

Got an email from Kelly (my sister, a sergeant in the Army stationed in Iraq) today and the countdown has begun. If all things go well she'll be back in the U.S. in


170 Days



That's 170 days too long. (Spider goes back to room and plays guitar. . . .)

Random Blambling for July 4th

Hi All,

So I am finally all moved into the place. I slept there for the first time last night. And now, I have the joyous work of getting organized and unpacked. That'll be Saturday after I recover from the gig tonight. Again, I find myself a bit tired for coherent thoughts and ways to connect paragraphs. So I'll just do a short list of things on my mind.

1) I am happy to be in my new place. It's going to take all weekend to probably get it set up the way that I want it, but that is ok. No more hellions to wake me up at 6:30AM. I woke up this morning at 6:30 out of habit and we greeted by something I had not heard in a long time. Silence.

To those that want my new address, email me and I will send it to you. I'm not going to post it here.


2) I am so looking forward to going to the beach on Sunday morning. I need the relaxation time. And this white boy needs some sun!! Plus, seeing beautiful women bikinis is a plus. (Of course, this will be seeing woman topless at the gig tonight. However, my bandmate that some of the girls there are "rough." Ouch!)

3) Am I the only one who could give two shits about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!?!

4) Below is my horoscope for this week from Free Will Astrology. I don't totally get it. Rob (the author), I have dreamt about the same two things for years now. Are you saying that the dream work is going to start to pay off soon?
Aries for week of June 30.

A reader wrote the following letter to Parade magazine columnist Marilyn vos Savant: "When you're asleep and dreaming about performing calorie-burning activities such as running, jumping, and flying, do you burn more calories in reality as opposed to when you're dreaming about doing something low-impact?" If you wrote me an inquiry like that, Aries, I'd say this: "Yes, definitely. In fact, what you do in your dreams this week will have at least as much impact on your waking life as anything you do in your waking life. Keep a pen and notebook by your bed so you can keep track of late-breaking developments."


5) I love MySpace.com! Two friends from my days back at Greensboro College got in touch with me today. I hadn't heard from them in years.

6) I so could use a massage. I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I was like, "Woah, my back hurts!!" I know how to do the massage myself with a tennis ball, but it is some much fun when someone else does it for you. Maybe I'll ask one of the girls at the gig tonight. ;-)

7) The Cunning Realist has written some brilliant posts lately. I love it when a true conservative sticks it to the Bush Administration over and over again.

8) I probably won't be online again until Tuesday. So I'll say bye until then. Then again, y'all shouldn't be online until then either. GO OUT!!! HAVE SOME FUN!!!