Quick Note -Still on Break

Hi All,

Just a quick note to let you know that I am doing better emotionally than I was last weekend. I am still going to take a break from posting, though. I just didn't want you to worry too much about me.

Talk with you soon!

Namaste,
Spider

Gonna Take a Break

Hi All,

So I think I am going to take a break from posting. If you read the post, "Christ, What Have You Done?" you'll understand why. I need some time to process and will probably spend a lot of time focusing on my music; using the music to heal. Don't know when I'll be back, but know that I will. I probably need a week or so.

Also, send any prayers, thoughts, good vibes you can towards my family. We could use them.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I'll be back on the Path when I can.

Love,
Spider

"Christ, What Have You Done?"

Friends, and random readers, you've been with me through the ups and downs. This post will go real down. And it sucks so much after a week that started out so good. Just a word of warning, I will probably cuss a lot in this post. Also, I will be exploring some very dark subject matters If either are going to bother you, skip to the next one. As I have been open and honest with my feelings and emotions from the beginning, so shall I be in this post. (Funny, I find myself procrastinating as I write this because it still hurts so much.)

So my week was going well. I have been having some cool email conversations with musicians here in NY. I had a blast with the "In My Pants" and "Geeks/Nerds" posts and the conversations they were stirring with friends. (Note, "In My Pants, the Sequel" will come some time next week.) I was looking forward to possible hooking up with some new friends for the weekend. Then I get a call from my Mom around 11:30am on Thursday with bad news. (Oh, I know "my Mom" with the capital M is improper grammar, but she's my Mom. If you knew her, you'd know she gets the capital M.) I dread a call from Mom when she says in a somber tone, "Jim, I have bad news." I keep having visions of that call when my Mom has to tell my sister was wounded or killed in the illegal, inept, and immoral war in Iraq. Kelly's fine. However, my oldest cousin, Dominguin, was found dead that morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Kinda sucked the wind out of my sails for the rest of the day.

I sat at my desk in a daze. When I finally got the gumption to get up and take lunch later I realized that I hadn't moved my car when in time and I got a $45 parking ticket. Fuck, can this day get any shittier! I mean, the night before I was feeling low because of the stress from the apartment, then this and the parking ticket. Neea. . .grrrr....ar...hh.r.r.r.r...........

FUCK!!!

You know, I don't think I can make that word big enough or red enough to express what I felt that day and into Friday. My mom calls me on Friday to give me the details that she didn't have on Thursday. As we suspected, my cousin Dominguin commited suicide. Out of respect for my family I am not going to go into all the details of his death. But I will say that he battled depression for close to two decades. (I think he was 32 or 33. I'm 29 and the third oldest in my generation.) He has never been truly happy or content. I've been told that he has said that he really didn't know what that even felt like. He tried every anti-depression drug and therapy out there.

I have been awash with emotions. After getting off the phone with Mom, I read an email that another cousin sent out yesterday to the family, basically saying a prayer for Dominguin, I just broke down and balled. (Hey Robin Alexa, you'll have to change the answer to that last question.) I went into one of the other offices, shut the door and cried. . .hard. I don't know how to process this.

On one rational level, I know that my cousin is finally at peace. (His roommate said that Dominguin had a look of peace on him when he found him. The first time in a long time.) I can't imagine living with that kind of inner pain that he felt for close to two decades. Heck, after a year and a half of carpal tunnel syndrome I said, "If I feel this shitty in 6 months, I'm killing myself." In experiments, by people fucking cruel to animals, it has been shown that a rat who gets electrocute by everything he touches with start going mad and attacking himself. That is what I felt, because everything I did caused insane pain. Would I have had the strength to last 20 years with that? I don't think so. So I can 't judge my cousin on that level and I am happy that he is with God right now, like a cup of water that is returned to the ocean, and free of the turmoil and pain he felt.

But on another level I am so fucking angry! Dammit Dominguin, I know we were never close, but I loved you. I still love you. You were supposed to be there with the rest of my cousins for my wedding! (Whenever that happens and I find the right person to marry.) You were supposed to be there in the circle of us guy cousins as we sang, drunk off our asses, Piano Man by Billy Joel like we did at Aunt Terry's wedding! I mean, I can't even begin to imagine what your brother is feeling. When he has children, they will never know their uncle! And. . . .

FUCK!!

Sorry about that. I'm still a little emotional. It is times like these that I am so glad that I don't believe in a theistic God. Because if God, as a being, couldn't have created my cousin so that all his nuerochemicals worked and didn't get fucked up with the changes of puberty, then that God is just fucking cruel. But I don't have a theistic believe in God, so I don't have a deity to be angry at. (Remember folks, atheism isn't the only alternative to theism, but I guess I'll write more about that in the future.)


So folks, I don't know what more to tell you. I find myself going back and seeking solace in music as I always do. Last night, I went up to my old college, SUNY Purchase, to see a concert by my mentor and professor, Joe Ferry. The rhythms and magic of the ska music helped to soothe the fresh wounds on my soul, like the salt waters of the ocean lapping at the shore. Also, it was good to reconnect with friends my from grad program.

Also, I went back and listened to the songs that helped me through my darkness. During those painful months, I would listen to these songs over and over again.

The first is the song The Pass by the band Rush. (The song link takes you to the lyrics, the band link to the video.) This song was given to me by my friend, Charles, as I was going through a tough time in college. Its messages still inspires me today. And I know that its lyrics at the end are condemning of giving up, which my cousin in a way did, but I can't help feel that this song understands the pain, the rage, the inescapabilitiy (to create a new word) that we sometimes feel.

The second song is Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel. (The song link takes you to the lyrics, the other to Peter's site.) I truly believe this song was inspired by God. It vibrates at such a high, and healing level. Again, its messages carries me through the rough waters of life.

And the third song, which is a little more blunt, is Suicide by Bobby Gaylor. (The song link takes you to the video, the other to Bobby's page where you can find the lyrics.) He wrote this after a friend attempted suicide. It is not an endorsment of suicide, though it may appear at first. Actually, if you listen all the way through to the end you will see that it is the opposite.

I really don't have an end for this post. Again, the pain is still all to real for me. So I will say. . .

Dominguin, I love you.
May you have the peace now you never knew in life.
And I miss you.
We all do.

Edited to add:

Don't know where you are in life. However, if you are going to pass judgement on my cousin for his suicide know that you have no place to make a judgement unless you have walked through The Darkness yourself. I never understood the depressions my bi-polar friend went through until I was in that place myself. And that is a place I wish on no one. If you have never struggled with depression, the kind that gives you suicidal thoughts, consider yourself blessed.

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It

So I was wasting time the other day (I do that so well) and I was reading the new posts at Best of Craigslist and came across a post with the same title as above. I was excited because we all know that I consider myself a big time geek (see this post). This woman has it it so right. I wish I knew her name so I can give her proper credit, and thank her, but she didn't leave it. You can find the original post here. I copied it here and included my thoughts and comments. Enjoy

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

Date: Sun Apr 03 21:30:08 2005

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

- Damn straight. Us geeks are always well-meaning. We’ve spent a lifetime not fitting in, why would we want to push you away if you’re interested in us by doing stupid insensitive things. And while our intentions on one level are like the smooth dudes, we want other things from you than just sex.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

-Yep, give me something electronic and I can make it work for you.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

-Or if you’re a music geek like me, you write and record a song for her.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

- Yep, we got all kinds. Even good looking, slim musician geeks like me. (Ladies, if you want, I’ll email a photo. ;-) -Just Kidding

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

-Yeah, that's obvious.

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

- Ok, this is the one thing I fail on. I am bad at dates. I am lucky I remember my mom’s, my sisters’, my dad’s and my friends’ birthdays. However, I do remember my girlfriend’s birthdays. While I won’t remember the anniversary of our first kiss, first hug, first time we said “I love you”. . .I will remember stuff about you, your likes, every name of the members of your family. And there are plenty of things I'd love to do. I have a list a mile long.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

-If I studied my ass off and speed read through every subject matter, why wouldn’t I do it on this topic!?! There are things I know how to do that when I shared with my friends their reply was on the level of “Woah, is that even physically possible?” I mean, you remember that girl from American Pie. . ."And this one time at band camp. . . " Yeah, that's how it is with pretty much all us geeks.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

-I lived on Mt. Dew during college and a few years after. My good friend still does. Ladies, don’t worry if you can’t cook. I got that covered.

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.

Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”

Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”

Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*

Geek Guy: “What?”

Me: “Never mind...”

-Yeah, this has happened to me, though more often with music stores. Ok, who am I kidding! I love Radio Shack! I even “out-geek” the sales people there. I know, it’s sad. If I’m going to bars it’s to hear the band. So you don’t have to worry about me picking up “club hotties.”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

-If any woman put on elf ears or Vulcan ears for me, she’d get a marriage proposal right there! And yes, you don’t have to worry about what I’m up. You’ll come home to find me passed out among my guitars and computer. Take the guitar out of my hand and bring me to bed.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

- Yeah, my friends are awesome. And since they’re my friends, they will treat you with said respect. And like above, if you wanted to play D & D I would be so impressed. (Not saying that I play that on a regular basis. . . )

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

- Hey, if you are accepting me as the geek I am, then I of course are accepting you as the wonderful woman you are. You are you, there is no one in the world like you and you don’t have to worry about me not loving you based on what you wear or what you weigh, or anything shallow like that.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

-Yeah, you’ll have to shut me up about some topics. But I’ll talk about anything and everything.

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

- Um, this woman keeps forgetting that Mt. Dew has the highest caffeine levels of the soft drinks, next to Jolt. (Yeah, I already know that I am geek for knowing that.) If I have a number of cans of Mt. Dew, I am not going to sleep! But yes, every else applies.

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DAMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

-Like I said on #12, it’s about Who You Really Are. . .on the inside. Because we know that you’re not staying with us for our flash or pizzazz. If you’re with a geek or a nerd, you know the soul inside them and want that person to know the soul inside of you. So ladies, do yourself a favor and take this woman’s advice!

"In My Pants"

Two post today. A fun one and a serious one below. Going right into the gutter with this post, folks! (If that bothers you, skip to the "Boom Today + The Power of Piglet") So my friend posts something on a bulletin board on another site. And it is a list and you are supposed to write down the last song you’ve listened to and add the words “in My Pants” to it much like adding “in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie fortune. I thought this was hilarious and it yielded some pretty funny results. I had just listened to “Red Rain” by Peter Gabriel. Nice to know there’s a “Red Rain in My Pants.” So I just perused through my iPod to find some song titles and there are some funny ass results below, along with some of my comments. After reading through them please feel free to comment with song titles that you know.

Peter Gabriel

Red Rain in My Pants
Sledgehammer in My Pants (Hey Big Fella!)
Big Time in My Pants
Kiss That Frog in My Pants (Ahh, it can’t be that bad looking)
I Love to Be Loved in My Pants (Don’t we all!)
Digging in the Dirt in My Pants (Ewwwwww!!)
Secret World in My Pants (My Precious, My Precious. . .)
More Than This in My Pants (That is what the Enzyte commercials are for!)

Billy Joel

My Life in My pants
Big Shot in My Pants
She’s Got A Way in My Pants (And that’s why I love her.)
Pressure in My Pants (Uh-oh, better run for the border!)
Uptown Girl in My Pants (When a downtown girl just won’t do)
The Longest Time In My Pants
The Entertainer In My Pants (So that is what you're calling it?)
The Stranger In My Pants (Hey now, strange people, my pants should never mix. Unless she's hot.)
She’s Always a Woman in My Pants (Is this the reverse of “Dude Looks Like A Lady”)

Van Halen

Jump in My Pants
Hot For Teacher in My Pants ( My nine grade Spanish teacher fit this song. Remember her, Steve?)
Right Now in My Pants (Yes, you! Right Now! Right Here! LOL)
Why Can’t This Be Love in My Pants (If its just you, then it’s called something else)
When It’s Love in My Pants
Poundcake in My Pants (Darn crumbs!)
Runaround in My Pants (You can if you where really baggy jeans.)
Dance The Night Away In My Pants

Bon Jovi

Lay Your Hand On Me In My Pants ( I need some healin’!)
Bad Medicine in My Pants
You Gave Love A Bad Name in My Pants
It’s My Life in My Pants

Guns & Roses

Welcome to the Jungle in My Pants (Umm, grooming please!)
It’s So Easy in My Pants
You Could Be Mine in My Pants
You Ain’t the First in My Pants (I’m sorry I’m such a slut. Please forgive me.)
Don’t Cry in My Pants (I know you’re sad and all, but while you’re down there. . .)
Civil War in My Pants (Hey, the boys are fighting it out!)

Dave Matthews Band

Don’t Drink the Water in My Pants (Ewww, that’s gross!)
Crash Into Me in My Pants
Too Much in My Pants (A little big for my britches now!)
Proudest Monkey in My Pants
What Would You Say in My Pants
Typical Situation in My Pants
Ants Marching in My Pants (Ouch, ouch, ouch. . . .)
Pay For What You Get in My Pants (Hey, I never said it was for free.)
Dancing Nancies in My Pants (Hey, that was once. I was drunk and it was a theatre party.)

The Who

Who Are You in My Pants (I knew I shouldn’t have drank so much last night.)

Led Zepplin

Stairway to Heaven In My Pants (That’s why I keep telling all the women I meet. Now if they’d only listen!)


Indigo Girls

Closer to Fine in My Pants (Damn, straight! More like closer to perfect!)
Hammer and Nail in My Pants (ouch!)
Power of Two in My Pants (whoah, call Guinness!!)

Ray Charles

I’ve Got A Woman in My Pants (Wish I did right now. . .oh, sorry. Thinking out loud again.)
Hard Times in My Pants (really now!?!)
Georgia on My Mind and in My Pants (Wow, takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?)
Let The Good Times Roll in My Pants

U2
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For in My Pants (Honey, if it’s that small. . .you need a lot of help!)
With Or Without You in My Pants (When you know you’re not going to get blue-balled.)
All I Want is You in My Pants (Isn’t this the goal of every date?!)
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me in My Pants (Lorenna Bobbit theme song, perhaps?)
The Hands That Built America in My Pants (Wow, that’s a whole lotta hands!)
It’s A Beautiful Day in My Pants (Always is!)
When Love Come to Town in My Pants
Even Better Than the Real Thing in My Pants (“I got something in my pocket, it’s my invisible dinosaur.”)

Edited to Add

Michael Jackson (I’m sorry, these were too easy and just so wrong!)

Beat It in My Pants
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough in My Pants
The Way You Make Me Feel in My Pants
You Are Not Alone in My Pants
Bad in My Pants
You Wanna Be Starting Something in My Pants
Just Leave Me Alone in My Pants
Childhood Theme in My Pants (From the Free Willy 2 movie.)

Boom Today, + The Power of Piglet

Last night I get home after going to the gym and stopping by the old apartment. It’s late and I need to do some cleaning. The evening was fairly uneventful until my roommate comes home. I have to come up with a name for her. And I can’t use the “Friends” theme as I did with Joey since she is black and actually way cooler that Phoebe, Monica or Rachel. I am trying to think of a name, but is there a black, lesbian actress from Compton on TV? I didn’t think so. Oh well.

So she comes home close to 11PM and proceeds to tell me of a conversation she had with the landlord earlier in the day. He said that he is still expecting to get $2100 for the apartment What the fuck is he thinking!! First off, that apartment, even with all three bedrooms in use, is NOT worth $2100. I just did a search on a apartment listing for Astoria, Queens and three bedrooms can go for $1700-2200 a month. But those that are $2000 are really nice and renovated. And I’ll be they don’t have thin walls and floors with hellions that wake up and play soccer at 7AM.

I told my roommate that even if the landlord raises our rent to $600, and our third roommate comes back from being on tour with the Full Monty and if they clear out the stuff they put in his room, he will be getting $1800 a month, which is within the market for Astoria. If not, then he’ll get $1200 for the two bedroom. Which again, is in the range for 2 bedroom apartments in Astoria. Yes, the lower end.

My roommate and I are in the same boat, we don’t have the money to be able $700, nor do we have the money to move just yet. (Actually, I will by the end of May with the extra paycheck I’ll get and money from my tax returns. But I really was looking forward to banking some of that and making extra payments on my debts.) And I don’t think we could convince someone to live in the living room or take over our rooms if we move once they find out about the kids upstairs. Hell, I wouldn’t have moved in there if I had know that was going to be the case.

So things are up in the air until we can really sit down and talk with the landlord and his wife. And that may not occur until May when that third roommate comes back from tour. I fucking hate this. I don’t need, nor want, to move again right now. I was looking forward to staying in one place, paying off some debts and making my next move one that puts me square on my Path.

Grrr. . …!

On a fun positive note, I had a fun experience this morning. So I drive a Chevy Metro. It’s not the most manliest of cars, but it is perfect for city driving. It’s small and I get great gas mileage. Another benefit is that I can park almost anywhere. Case in point happened this morning as I saw a big ass SUV try to fit into a spot that I knew he wasn’t going to fit. He gets frustrated and drives away. Good for me because Piglet fit right in! Fuck You SUV and your gas guzzling self!!! (Oh yeah, “Piglet” is what I named my Metro. If you can correctly guess why I named it that, and I give a hint, I’ll buy you a drink. It’s a book reference, but not a Pooh Corner one. Those who I’ve already told are already out of the contest.)

P.S. Sorry for the cussing. Just a little ticked off.

Weekend Review & Finding Arms.

This weekend was one of ups, downs and then ups again. I say it that way because it was like that. Friday was an up because I found out the cold I had had for two weeks was allergies and by Friday evening, with the right drugs, I was feeling quite better. I planned a quiet night in to relax, recover and hopefully go to bed early. Which, if I can remember correctly, I did. I know that I talked with my roommate some. (The one that’s left.)

Saturday morning, I awoke somewhat early. I had guitar lessons from 10-12:30. Afterwards I came to the office to surf the net some. So I’ve been feeling lonely lately. It think it is a combination of coming back from an awesome time in NC and then being sick for two weeks. But I also think it’s a bit more than that.

If you have been a long time reader of my blog you may know about “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I believe I made reference to it in my Valentine’s Day Post. My primary love languages in which I feel loved, and I have two that are equally important, are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. I italicized the “and” in that sentence to highlight that while I have a plethora of Words of Affirmation, I still need that Physical Touch for my emotional well-being. And since the break up, and even before, I know I haven’t gotten enough. (To clarify, when I mean Physical Touch I don’t mean in a sexual sense however nice that is. On a basic level, I mean hugs. And, I do miss the cuddling next to someone in bed.)

It has been said, by some psychological people who have nothing better to do than study this stuff, that humans need to give and/or receive seven hugs a day to maintain emotional health. Back in college and after, I used to give/get well over 30 a day by a wide range of people. But since moving to NY I’m lucky if I get seven every 2 to 3 days. And since breaking up I know it’s less than that. (Also, I don’t want to make it sound like my ex-girlfriend was unaffectionate, or her parents. They were/are. But there is only so many hugs she and her mom are physically able to give a day. And I didn’t make as many tight friendships as I should or could have in graduate school.)

So I go from spending my birthday weekend with someone I love dearly and just electrifies my being. Being with her is like. . .well, like having an electric guitar’s strings tuned perfectly and then plugged into the biggest Marshall stack one can find. So there were hugs galore. (And nothing more.) Then we go to Greensboro to see my sister. And her top physical love language is Physical Touch as well. So she and I were hugging through the night. We run into my best friend. And he and I hug at least twice. (Hello and Goodbye.) So I was doing fine hug-wise. My emotional well-being was doing good.

Then I come back to NYC, where I don’t have many friends that are close enough that I can hug. And I get sick to boot. I went out to one night last week with my ex-girlfriend, and she hugged me hello and good-bye. Ok, two hugs. But they obviously didn’t feel the same as when we dated. But that is ok. Our friendship is changing. And I think I had a hug from her mom the next afternoon as I dropped something off to her house. And then nothing until Sunday.

So I think the down feeling I had on Saturday is partly because the lack of hugs. And because I realized I don’t have enough friends here in NYC. I don’t know how long I’ll stay here but I do know I need expand my circle of friends, especially with other musicians. Well, I put out an ad online seeking just that. I went to http://newyork.craigslist.org/ and posted an ad in the musician’s section. This is what I wrote.

Astoria based Guitarist Seeking Musician Friends

Hi. So I find that my circle of friends ain't that big. And my circle of musician friends even smaller. They are all spread out over the country. I am looking to meet new people who are musicians to hang with, jam, go see shows, etc. You can be man, woman, mineral I don't care. I just need some interaction with those mad souls who have to create sound just to exist.

Oh yeah, about me. I'm 29, male and have played guitar for going on 16 years now. I give guitar lessons in Astoria, and my interests run the gamut of music. I play electric, acoustic, classical and I sing baritone. Shoot me an email and let's see if we can do something.

Well, by this morning I have had five responses and two offers to audition for bands. Wow! I am responding to the emails that I have gotten and hopefully will have musical interaction by this weekend. Cool!

Also, Sunday was a very “up” day. I went to Long Island and spent the afternoon with my best friend Steve and his son, Lil Steve. I had a blast. It was a beautiful 70 degree day, sunny. And I got more than enough hugs. Big Steve and I barbecued some food, played catch and talked about life, women and stuff. You know, the usually guy things. Lil Steve and I played too. He is a 3 months shy of his 2nd birthday and just a barrel of fun. “Jim, Jim, Jim!” “What?” “A baboo leety wawa baboo. . .” I have no clue what he was saying. And then there was teaching him to kick the football, picking him up and running around. . . Just the kind of fun you can only have with a young kid. And of course, he gives unconditional love because he is so young as to know how to love any different way.

Lessons learned? Well, I need to go out and make those friends; expand the circle. Instead of waiting for the hugs to come to me, I need to go out and give the hugs. Also, I need to go see Steve and Lil’ Steve more often. They make for great therapy.

It's Time To Bloom

So this week was another awesome horoscope from www.FreewillAstrology.com . And again, I want to pause and look at my life through the lense of Rob Breszny's words. Particularly, the last three sentences.

Aries Horoscope for week of April 14, 2005

I think you're ready for your once-a-decade reminder from Anais Nin about the hazards of not growing. I first brought her pithy quote to the attention of the Aries tribe back in 1993. It had a salubrious effect on many of you, dissolving some of your crystallized fears and speeding up your evolution. Let's hope it works the same magic this time: "The day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (P.S. Think back to where you were in 1993. It's time for you to leap to the next level as you resume working on a long-term project you began back then.)


People most often change when the pain of not changing becomes more painful than the pain of making the change. Again, pain is a storing motivator that pleasure. And we will ofthen make a choice between two pains rather than one between pain and pleasure. (See Anthony Robbins work) So what in my life am I keeping in a bud that it's becoming more painful to keep in than to let out?

And I have to answer with. . .my music, the songs and stories I hear in my head on a daily basis. The las few bands I was in my songwriting input took a backseat to the leadsinger's. I helped on arraging, guitar solos and backing vocals. In my band in NC, Nandina, we were just getting to the point were we were writing collaboratively, but we broke up before we could create much. And in my morst recent band, the lead singer was such a control freak that I couldn't stand it.

So it is time for me to step up in front of the mic, to sing my songs, or at least songs I've co-written. And this is that long term project I started in 1993, the year I graduated high school and entered college. I started writing songs in high school with the dreams of releasing albums of my own. Now I know this is the year to do it.

And I think that I have already started on this. I have been practicing my guitar a lot more, which I am finding exhilirating. I am finding that I am learning some music faster now than ever before. (Example: the insane guitar work of Joe Satriani) Also, I have come up with some great song ideas. Though I need to devote more time to songwriting.

There are two areas I know that I need to work on a lot more, my singing and getting back on stage. The first I've been putting off because of the chaos of the move and getting settled in my life. The only thing holding me back now is this "cold" I have had for two weeks. (Went to the doctor's yesterday. He said it's allergies. Go figure! Allegra and Flonase later, and I'm feeling so much better.) As soon as it's gone, vocal scales here I come! And as soon as I feel a little more comfortable with my voice I'll start hitting the open mic nights around NYC. There is one going on just about every night. Hopefully, I'll figure out how to post songs up here soon so you all can here them.

One more thing regarding the horoscope. There was another project I started in 1993. That was recovering from codependency. And I made great strides during my college years. Though, I think I forgot much of what I learned in the past few years. But there's a song by Don Henley that has a line that says it all. "All the thing I thought I knew, I'm learning again." And I feel that. . .and see that in my writings on the blog.

Well, I am off to go practice. I have some music to create.

Namaste

The Gummy Worm Blues

Yesterday, I had one of my most enjoyable guitar lessons ever. It was with Maya, the student I wrote about before in the post titled “Sometimes I Hate Kids, Sometimes I Love Kids”. So last week I taught Maya how to play a 12 bar blues, in A Major. The blues are the foundation of rock & roll and jazz. And since, in its most basic of forms, it uses only three chords it a great thing to teach a beginning guitarist. Also, the blues has a very basic lyric pattern. You state a line, then repeat it. And then close with a line that rhymes with the first line.

So Maya’s assignment was to write a blues song or two and practice the chords. While she didn’t follow the lyric structure exactly, what she wrote works as a blues song. This is one of the songs she came up with.

“I got the Gummy Worm Blues
And I can’t afford to buy any shoes
Life can be so mean
I gotta get me some green
Yeah, I got the Gummy Worm Blues!”

I thought this was excellent, especially when you consider that she is 8 and ¾ years old. (She makes it a point to mention the ¾ part.) So I show here how to place the words above the measures so the words fit the music. Maya keeps saying that she really likes this song and that it’s going to get stuck in my head like it was stuck in her head. And I have to admit that Gummy Worm Blues is a great idea.

Maya then asks “Why do we have to put spaces between the lines?” I tell that way the piano play can play a bluesy fill. I proceed to show her by playing the rhythm and fills all by myself on my guitar. I wasn’t doing anything really technically amazing, just basic blues fills. Maya proceeds to say, “Wow, you should be famous!!!”

Thanks Maya, but it takes a little more that just being able to play the blues. Don’t get me wrong, I’m working on being a famous musician. It’s just taking awhile.

Going back to her lyrics, I have to wonder how does an 8 & ¾ year old girl know that “Life can be so mean.” Also, how does she know that she’s gotta get her some green? Maya certainly has wisdom well beyond her years.

Musically, I love the blues because you can enjoy it at any point of your life. You can sing the blues when you’re up or down, whether you’re rich or you’re broke, when you’re happy or sad, and when you have a woman or wish that you had. And in the simplicity of the music one can find and discover amazing musical complexities. I know that sounds contradictory, but it’s true.

So I enter this weekend singing the “Gummy Worm Blues.” Kinda fitting since I have had a cold since coming back from NC on April 4th. Going to go see the doctor in an hour. He’ll ask what’s wrong with me. I’ll have to respond, “You know Doc, I think I got the Gummy Worm Blues. What do you prescribe for that?”

Pregnant Pop Stars

So I have a sick and twisted sense of humor. I think it comes from watching way too much Monty Python, George Carlin, Saturday Night Live, SCTV, Muppet Show, Steven Wright, South Park and other stuff to numerous to list. Anyway, I wanted to share something that I read from a friend yesterday. She had it as an away message on her AOL IM name.

brittney spears is preggers (poor kid's doomed with those parents)
can't you just see her in 15yrs screaming "you can't leave the house wearing that, young lady!" and her daughter yelling, "you wore less on a billboard in Times Square!"

or maybe, "turn off that music, young man! it's giving me a headache!" and her son yelling, "did you ever listen to the crap YOU put out?"

This is so true and damn funny! Also, this applies to other recent pop artists that are now parents. Can you picture the children of Victoria Beckam, Posh Spice of the Spice Girls, giving it back to her?

“And another thing Mom, the Spice Girls sucked ass!! What the hell were you thinking!”

I think it'd be interesting to consider the children of Christopher Guest, who was Nigel Tunfel of Spinal Tap.

“Son, what is that crap you are listening to? It really stinks!”

“Screw you dad! It’s way better than what you did with Spinal Tap. Now that stuff sucked!”

“Um, son. You do realize that it was supposed to suck. That was the point of the whole thing.”

“Ohhhh. . . “

“You really are your mother’s son. . . . . .stupid git!”

Now, I know that wasn’t too warped. I didn't want to scare all of you away at once. Don’t worry. I’ll post something weekend that my friend wrote that is totally random and in the gutter.

And Then There Were Two

“No boom today. Boom tomorrow. Always boom tomorrow.” -Babylon 5


So after the post where I said I felt I reached a good plateau in my changes, the universe throws me another loop. It’s not one that I can’t deal with, but a loop nonetheless. I come home from work last night. I was all excited because I was going to see John Williams, the world best classical guitarist, in concert at Carnegie Hall. My friend, who works there, hooked me up with some good seats and I was going with a friend from Purchase College who is also a guitarist. (To those who don’t know, I have played guitar for 15.5 years now. My senior recital, on classical and jazz guitar, at Greensboro College drew the largest audience of any recital in the ten years prior.) So I open the door to the apartment and find that my roommate, who lives in the living room, has all his stuff in boxes.

He isn’t there so I text message him to call me. While I wait, I take stock of the situation. I knew that he owed the landlord money. I know that they have been pestering him about it. And they told him that he “needs to get his shit together.” And Joey, my roommate, a month ago when this all started was like, “I know, I am going to buckle down at work. Stop going out and get the money to them.” Apparently, he hasn’t. I saw this coming. There were nights when he wouldn’t come home. Others where he go out after work and get home very late. Then he’d be late for work the next day and the job would send him home. The landlords got tired off putting up with it and said, “If you can’t give us $500 by tonight, you’re out!” Hence me coming home to find his stuff in boxes.

Also, I get a little concerned. Is the landlord going to raise my other roommate and I’s rent by half of what Joey was paying? This had me worried because I am on a fixed budget right now and can’t afford that much of an increase. I took this apartment for the price that it was $525, utilities included, and that it was close to work. (For those who don’t know about NYC rents, that is really good. I know at that price I could get an 2 bedroom apartment by myself in North Carolina, but rents in NYC are sky-high.) I knew it wasn’t the ideal living situation, but I would deal with it. If the landlord was going to raise the rent that much, I’d have to move again. Something I really didn’t want to do for awhile.

So Joey calls me and tells me what happened. He talks about where he going to stay and what he is going to do. I feel for him. The boy has talent. A lot. He has a gift for poetry and delivering in such a great cadence. I wanted to record him to make a spoken-word cd to go along with a published book of his poetry, whenever that would happen. But he has his issues. And when you are partying too much, or trying to drown your pain and sorrows, consequences happen. “We may ignore our responsibilities. But we can never ignore the consequences of our ignoring of those responsibilities.” (Can’t find who said that quote. I’ll edit the post when I do.) So I am a tad worried about what he’ll do, but also I know it is his concern.

And that brings me back to mine. Before leaving I go upstairs and talk with the landlord’s wife and express my concerns. She said not to worry. They aren’t going to increase my rent, nor my other roommate’s. At least not for the time being. My other roommate is out on tour until Friday. The landlord’s wife said that we’ll all sit down and talk things out this weekend. That eased me. For now. I know I can handle a small increase, which I told her, but not a big increase.

So I go to the concert and was blown away. It was like sitting in the presence of a Zen Master. I drive my friend back home afterwards. I return to my apartment after midnight, and walk in feeling the emptiness. Even though I have come home many nights to see that Joey was still out, I knew that when I woke up I would find him in his bed (sometimes with his girlfriend lying next to him). Tonight I walked in knowing that Joey wouldn’t be there in the morning. And while he has his issues, I like him. Joey made the transition to the new place a little easier just by being there. I’ll miss him.

Need Technical Help!

Hi,

I need help from some of you more experience bloggers. I am encountering some problems.

1. My profile seems to have slid down the page. What is up with that? How do I correct it?

2. To those who have counters on their profile to track their posts and writing, (like you MarySunshine), how do I add that?

3. Is using Blogrolling to list other people blogs and links easy to us?

For as much as a geek that I am, I am still a noob when it comes to HTML and internet stuff. Can't this be done in 4th dimensional calculus?

Thanks!
Spider

Turning Sand Into Glass

I don’t know if I conveyed it well in the last post, but I have had a big change inside over the past two weeks. A shift of perception, a change in consciousness. (“If you can the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”) All of which was “predicted” by the horoscopes of Rob Brezsny over at www.FreewillAstrology.com these past few months. As I have said in a past post (“Walking Up The Mountain Backwards”), it is as if he has a window into my life. Again, it isn’t that I feel that horoscopes make any real prediction in life. I just find Rob Brezsny’s writing so poetic and inspiring that I stop to look at my life in the light of the what he says. Sometimes it jives, sometimes it doesn’t. However, it is always entertaining. So I want to share some of his horoscopes and the changes I feel inside.

The First one comes from Dec. 2:

“The seeds of some trees are so tightly compacted within their protective cones that only flames can free them and allow them to sprout. The lodgepole pine and jack pine can’t reproduce, in other words, without the help of forest fires. I suspect that you will have a resemblance to those fire-dependent, fire-resistant seeds in the coming months, Aries. Your ability to prosper and flourish may require you to spend time in the metaphorical equivalent of a large blaze. Don’t worry for your sanity or safety. Just as the seens in jack pine cones can tolerate temperatures of 1,700 degrees Fahrenheit, you will be very hardy. P.S. Your first trial by fire may beigin any minute now.”

He wasn’t kidding about that first trial by fire coming any minute. Phew! December was a emotionally tough month for me. I knew things were breaking down rapidly with my girlfriend. I knew the prospect of finding a place to live would be hanging over my head. Add in another couple of other stresses and you have FIRE BIG TIME! All through it I kept referring to this horoscope, which I had printed and pasted into my journal, and the Serenity Prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”) to keep the faith that I would survive.

There were times that I felt my insides metaphorically burn away, as if to strip me of what wasn’t needed. (Much like the chapter on Love in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.) I was so emotionally fragile and I was keeping up a façade to try to just face the world. I am sure I did lose my sanity at times, but he did say not to worry about it. Then just a couple of weeks later on Dec. 16:

“In 1874, a fire broke out in an underground coalfield in western China. It burned nonstop until 2004, when firefighters finally squelched it. In the intervening 130 years, 200 millions tons of fuel went to waste, spewing out copious amounts of polluting gases. I nominate the denouement of this long-running drama to serve as your personal metaphor for early 2005. In January and February, you will finally douse a smoldering inner fire that has been a poor use of your ambition. This will set the stage for a fresh start. No later than your birthday, you will ignite a new blaze that’s both more efficient and more worthy of you.”

This horoscope gave me hope, and more so rekindled dreams in me. I had to go through some fire and I had to work through some stuff on the inside of me as well. I knew that it would take some time to do so. And like the horoscope said, and this blog attests, those changes were taking place in January and February. . .and into March as well. All through January, February, and March, Rob’s horoscopes have been about a major internal change going on. In one horoscope, of which I can not find the date, he quotes Buckminster Fuller saying, “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

Wow, that’s deep. What realities was I fighting? The baggage from my relationship. My feelings about life, work, love, . . . hell, take your pick of topics. But like Bucky says, I can’t change those by fighting the existing reality. I needed to create new models, or perhaps new life metaphors, to make the changes I wanted to see in my life because obviously what had gotten me to where I am now will not get me to where I want to go. (Like how I tied in a previous post about life metaphors there. ;-) Now you’re going to go back and read it to know what I’m talking about.) Even the horoscope right before my birthday talks about this change.

"Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Magmud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way."

I do feel that I have reached a “cusp” point in my life. As I was driving down to NC I felt serenity pass over me, through me, and into me. I had that “nous” moment that is talked about. An “a-ha” experience. It was as if someone went inside my being and flicked on a light switch that had been shut off long ago. (Perhaps it was one of the ones that was turned off when I was in my depression during the spring of 2003, which I will write about at one point.)

Does this mean that I don’t have to continue working to get where I want to go? Of course not. It means, though, that I will probably enjoy the ride a lot more. I will probably be able to create more easily, more freely than before. I already feel like I have more energy to do things, to be. (Well, I know I will when I finally get over this cold I caught last Sunday.)

If you have been reading my blog for awhile, or went back and read everything I wrote, you can see that this change has been slowly growing for awhile. I think my birthday, 2005, represents the point where the reaction that has been slowly building inside reached the point where the fire is self-perpetuating. No, that’s not the image I am looking for. I mean, the point during a chemical reaction where it gets too late to halt or reverse the reaction affecting every molecule in its area. Like it was once emailed to me, “POW! ILLUMINATION!”

So that even though I have had a cold this week, I feel a profoundly different person than, say, two weeks ago. And I definitely feel a very different person from who I was back in December when the fires started. I think there are still a few more fires to come. But I welcome them now. Let the flames touch my flesh, burn at my soul and melt away all that is not needed. Like course sand becoming beautiful glass, so shall I be transformed. And Rob talked about sharing that transformation in this weeks horoscope.

"Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread," says Cosmo Doogood in his Urban Almanac. "Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique." I would add that there are certain people who on some occasions weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and at other times weave gold thread. You are such a person, Aries. At this particular moment, though, you're in one of your gold-thread phases. Honor your natural tendencies, please. Save your rougher gifts for later so you can concentrate on giving your grace and beauty now.”

Thank you for continuing to take this journey with me. I know there is more to come.

Finding a Song

This past weekend’s trip has provided me with a lot to write about, both in the blog and musically. I love the long 8 to 10 hour drive from NY to NC for a couple of reasons. First, because I enjoy the physical act of driving. I am very good at it and if I am driving alone, then I get to spend some quality time deep in thought; the second reason. Throw in some food, drink and kickin’ tunes and I am good to go. There is this one song that I listened to repeatedly on this trip that I want to talk about today. . .my wedding song.

I know it may sound cheesy for a guy to already know what song he wants to dance to at his wedding. Usually, it’s the woman who has everything planned out for that special day since they were 12. Now, I don’t. I have very few details thought out.. . like, the fact that I first need to find a woman to marry in the first place and convince her that this should be our song. The only part I have really given any thought to is the music. As a person who interprets the world through music, this is obvious. Besides, in my family, a wedding is a huge reason to party and dance. (Not that my family really needs much of an excuse to do either of these.) My family will be dancing and having a blast well before I get to the reception hall.

(Side Note: It will be in the DJ’s contract that if he plays either the Macarena or the Electric Slide, no matter how many requests he gets for either, he will be fired on the spot with no pay. Sorry, I am just so damn sick of those songs. End Side Note.)

So I found this song last summer. It is the last song of a long album and it spoke on a deep soul level to me the very first time I heard it. Much like Stevie Ray Vaughn’s cover of “Little Wing” by Jimi Hendrix, which brought me to tears the first three times I listened to it. (Oh yeah, I am not going to share the title or artist of this song. I don’t want to share it with everyone until all y’all are invited to the wedding. And yes, I did just say “all y’all.” I spend the weekend in NC, it rubbed off. I will share it with my two sisters and three “brothers,” so when the time comes they will be able to say, “Yes Jim, this song is about you and her.”) I quickly realized that it was about an all giving unconditional love.

And there were times that I so wanted this song to be about my ex-girlfriend because I did love her and in her way, she loved me. But I knew that we weren’t right for each other. There was something missing. I remember singing this song to myself, in the shower, crying because I wanted it to be about her. We put in so much time, but when two notes ring in dissonance to each other there isn’t much to you can do after trying to tune them for as long as we did. (And when you put two stubborn Aries together, that can be a long time!)

I have been listening to the song often since our break up. Sometimes 3-5 times a day. I find it a very inspiring piece of music even with out the lyrics. So I want to let you in on the conservation I had with the Still Small Voice about this song while driving down to NC. (By the way, the Still Small Voice in my head sounds female, always has been.)

SSV: You know, that is the third time in a row that you have listened to that song.

Me: I was wondering when you were going to show up.

Well, I dislike the traffic from NY to D.C. just as much as you too. I am impressed that you made crossed that distance in four hours even with the traffic.

Sorry if I was driving too fast.

Don’t apologize to me. I’m not the one who’ll get the ticket. So what’s with this song?

I don’t know, I really like it. I find it inspiring and I think this is the song I want to dance with my wife at my wedding, when I do find her.

You know, that is going to be awhile. There is much to be done in both of your lives between now and then to get you ready for each other.

I know. But it’s been on my mind lately. I guess I just miss being with someone. It gets lonely in that City.

Tell me about it. Even I feel lonely in that City and I’m everywhere and in everyone. But you shouldn’t worry about that. You know that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! Don’t you?

Of course I do. You are always with me. Always have been with me, Always will be with me. Even in my darkest times when I forget that, forgot You, You were with me. And that is something I’ll never forget again. But You do have someone out there for me, right?

Of course! Actually, there are a few potentials out there for you. Who you end up with will depend on the choices you and she make. But again, don’t worry about it. Are you even the man yet that you want to be when you sing this song?

No. I know I still have work I need to do.

Right then. Don’t worry. Keep working on yourself. Also, though you and I are co-creators of your world, let Me handle this. You have enough to handle right now as it is. For instance, watch out for that Volvo.

What Volvo? Oh crap! That one. Ok, I know! If I focus on staying on the Path, or keeping my hand on the trolley strap, then whomever I need to meet in my life will show up at the right time.

Exactly.

I think there are a couple more things I’ve realized about this song while talking with you.

Really? And they are?

The first thing is that as much as I want to sing this song about someone, to feel this love towards a person, I also want someone to sing these lyrics to me. Because I deserve nothing less than that.

Right on, my boy! ‘Bout time you figured that out! Of course you deserve to receive a love as strong and as unique as the love you give. So that on your wedding day it won’t be just you singing to her, but both of you singing to each other. What was the second thing?

That I can be singing this song to You.

Aww. . .I’m touched. Hold on, I think I feel a tear! Just kidding. Of course, that makes sense. What you will see in your beloved, and she in you, is that part that is Me. “The kingdom of God is within you.”

So what now?

Well, you keep driving to Raleigh and watch out for those North Carolidiot drivers. Seriously though, keep that smile that has been on your face all day, all week even. Keep smiling, keep working, keep dreaming and keep in touch with me. What was it you used to say at the end of those meetings?

“Let it begin with me. When anyone, anywhere, needs help, I want the hand of Ala-Teen to always be there. For that I am responsible. Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it your worth it!”

Three key points there. One, let the change begin with you, Jim. Two, there are going to be people on your Path that need help. I will need you to be My hands. (That’s how you learn to make your love grow.) And three, it works if you work it, so work it, Jim, YOU’RE WORTH IT!

Thanks for the reminders.

Don’t mention it. Keep singing that song to yourself and Me. And you’ll do just fine. Have a Happy Birthday!

Wait! Before you go. (And I know You never really leave.) I love you!

I love you too, Jim.

P.S. GO HEELS!! (I did make the sky Carolina Blue after all! ;-)

NYC To NC and Back to NYC in 80 Hours

I sit tired at my desk here at work. 1000+ miles driven, 4 bottles of wine consumed, even more beer, many hours spent in laughter and fun, less than 5 hours of sleep each night. . .yeah I am wiped out. So, I have a bunch of stuff to comment on about this weekend. However, since my brain is so fried right now I am having trouble with linear thought. Therefore there will be no connecting material between ideas.

1. I love driving. I love that my Metro gets 32+mpg when I am on the highway. I love driving fast. For this trip, I cruised between 70-75 mph. Once, I even got up to 80! Betcha didn’t think a little rice burner like that could go that fast. Neither did the Mustangs I blew in the dust. “You got beat by a Metro, Ha-Ha!” *said I my best Nelson voice*

2. Add to the things I miss about the South. . .barbecue. Hmmm. . .(Note to the Yankees who read this and don’t know what barbecue is. Barbecue is pulled or shredded pork in either and vinegar or vinegar/tomato based sauce.) My friend made barbecue for lunch on Sunday. I can’t wait to try making it myself.

3. I had that “I’m Home!” feeling for a fleeting moment this weekend. How bittersweet it felt.

4. The sky seems so much bigger and bluer in North Carolina. Maybe that’s because there are not so many big buildings and skyscrapers so close together to eat up the sky. Also, it helps that God made the sky Carolina Blue. He/She is obviously a Tarheels fan.

5. GO HEELS!!! UNC Chapel Hill is playing in the NCAA National Championship tonight. Watching the game Saturday night with my friend and her family was a lot of fun.

6. Random things that were said that I never expected to hear when I woke up in the morning.

-“Damn, my ass is rotten today!” –said by my dainty, elven-like friend. I did not need to know that.
-“Whoah, check it out! That woman is feeling up that man’s titties!” –Said by my best friend while we were in a club watching a kick-ass cover band.
-“Ahhh, Suki, Suki” –said over and over again by the drummer for that band.
-“You know, Alexander the Great took it in the ass.” -said by same elven friend as we watched the History Channel Sunday afternoon. Really didn’t see that one coming.
-“It’s not a lie. It’s a bluff!” -my sister quoting me from a conversation I had forgotten.

7. My sister Katie has the best new word. “So I got this term from Cosmo. I admit that there is a lot of drama in my life. But I don’t cause the drama, which you can admit Jim, it just happens around me. Right? So I am not a “Drama Queen”, one who causes the drama, but a “Drama Mama”, one who is the center of the drama.” Yup, Drama Mama fits my sister.

8. I love my sister Katie very much. I am glad that as we have gotten older that we find we have a lot in common.

9. Sometimes, some dreams, no matter how inspiring, how beautiful, need to be let go of . . .even if just for a little while. (Like my dream of calling Carolina home again.)

10. When hugging a loved one good-bye, always let them let go first.