Turning Sand Into Glass

I don’t know if I conveyed it well in the last post, but I have had a big change inside over the past two weeks. A shift of perception, a change in consciousness. (“If you can the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”) All of which was “predicted” by the horoscopes of Rob Brezsny over at www.FreewillAstrology.com these past few months. As I have said in a past post (“Walking Up The Mountain Backwards”), it is as if he has a window into my life. Again, it isn’t that I feel that horoscopes make any real prediction in life. I just find Rob Brezsny’s writing so poetic and inspiring that I stop to look at my life in the light of the what he says. Sometimes it jives, sometimes it doesn’t. However, it is always entertaining. So I want to share some of his horoscopes and the changes I feel inside.

The First one comes from Dec. 2:

“The seeds of some trees are so tightly compacted within their protective cones that only flames can free them and allow them to sprout. The lodgepole pine and jack pine can’t reproduce, in other words, without the help of forest fires. I suspect that you will have a resemblance to those fire-dependent, fire-resistant seeds in the coming months, Aries. Your ability to prosper and flourish may require you to spend time in the metaphorical equivalent of a large blaze. Don’t worry for your sanity or safety. Just as the seens in jack pine cones can tolerate temperatures of 1,700 degrees Fahrenheit, you will be very hardy. P.S. Your first trial by fire may beigin any minute now.”

He wasn’t kidding about that first trial by fire coming any minute. Phew! December was a emotionally tough month for me. I knew things were breaking down rapidly with my girlfriend. I knew the prospect of finding a place to live would be hanging over my head. Add in another couple of other stresses and you have FIRE BIG TIME! All through it I kept referring to this horoscope, which I had printed and pasted into my journal, and the Serenity Prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”) to keep the faith that I would survive.

There were times that I felt my insides metaphorically burn away, as if to strip me of what wasn’t needed. (Much like the chapter on Love in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.) I was so emotionally fragile and I was keeping up a façade to try to just face the world. I am sure I did lose my sanity at times, but he did say not to worry about it. Then just a couple of weeks later on Dec. 16:

“In 1874, a fire broke out in an underground coalfield in western China. It burned nonstop until 2004, when firefighters finally squelched it. In the intervening 130 years, 200 millions tons of fuel went to waste, spewing out copious amounts of polluting gases. I nominate the denouement of this long-running drama to serve as your personal metaphor for early 2005. In January and February, you will finally douse a smoldering inner fire that has been a poor use of your ambition. This will set the stage for a fresh start. No later than your birthday, you will ignite a new blaze that’s both more efficient and more worthy of you.”

This horoscope gave me hope, and more so rekindled dreams in me. I had to go through some fire and I had to work through some stuff on the inside of me as well. I knew that it would take some time to do so. And like the horoscope said, and this blog attests, those changes were taking place in January and February. . .and into March as well. All through January, February, and March, Rob’s horoscopes have been about a major internal change going on. In one horoscope, of which I can not find the date, he quotes Buckminster Fuller saying, “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

Wow, that’s deep. What realities was I fighting? The baggage from my relationship. My feelings about life, work, love, . . . hell, take your pick of topics. But like Bucky says, I can’t change those by fighting the existing reality. I needed to create new models, or perhaps new life metaphors, to make the changes I wanted to see in my life because obviously what had gotten me to where I am now will not get me to where I want to go. (Like how I tied in a previous post about life metaphors there. ;-) Now you’re going to go back and read it to know what I’m talking about.) Even the horoscope right before my birthday talks about this change.

"Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Magmud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way."

I do feel that I have reached a “cusp” point in my life. As I was driving down to NC I felt serenity pass over me, through me, and into me. I had that “nous” moment that is talked about. An “a-ha” experience. It was as if someone went inside my being and flicked on a light switch that had been shut off long ago. (Perhaps it was one of the ones that was turned off when I was in my depression during the spring of 2003, which I will write about at one point.)

Does this mean that I don’t have to continue working to get where I want to go? Of course not. It means, though, that I will probably enjoy the ride a lot more. I will probably be able to create more easily, more freely than before. I already feel like I have more energy to do things, to be. (Well, I know I will when I finally get over this cold I caught last Sunday.)

If you have been reading my blog for awhile, or went back and read everything I wrote, you can see that this change has been slowly growing for awhile. I think my birthday, 2005, represents the point where the reaction that has been slowly building inside reached the point where the fire is self-perpetuating. No, that’s not the image I am looking for. I mean, the point during a chemical reaction where it gets too late to halt or reverse the reaction affecting every molecule in its area. Like it was once emailed to me, “POW! ILLUMINATION!”

So that even though I have had a cold this week, I feel a profoundly different person than, say, two weeks ago. And I definitely feel a very different person from who I was back in December when the fires started. I think there are still a few more fires to come. But I welcome them now. Let the flames touch my flesh, burn at my soul and melt away all that is not needed. Like course sand becoming beautiful glass, so shall I be transformed. And Rob talked about sharing that transformation in this weeks horoscope.

"Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread," says Cosmo Doogood in his Urban Almanac. "Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique." I would add that there are certain people who on some occasions weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and at other times weave gold thread. You are such a person, Aries. At this particular moment, though, you're in one of your gold-thread phases. Honor your natural tendencies, please. Save your rougher gifts for later so you can concentrate on giving your grace and beauty now.”

Thank you for continuing to take this journey with me. I know there is more to come.