Sunday, February 27, 2005

Illumination, The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and why Spider is bouncing off the walls again

Another long post. Sorry

I sit drinking a cup of hazelnut coffee (Hmm, hazelnut.) after getting one of the best nights of sleep in a long time. Got to love the little blue pills you can buy at CVS! I normally don’t take any sleep aids, but I wanted to sleep through the night for once. I used to be the deepest sleeper. My roommate in college actually kicked me in the back off his head while climbing up his bunk and I didn’t wake up. I didn’t even wake up that time he fooled around with his girlfriend on the top bunk that one time. (Either I was the deepest sleeper in the world, or it wasn’t really that good.) But I haven’t slept that deep on a regular basis in years. And I think I know why.

Back in college, and for a year or two afterwards, I was living from the Source. I was connected with Source (God) energy and I was always active and doing things. I would got from between 9 and 10 in the morning and go nonstop until 1 or 2 AM. And when I mean non-stop, I mean “Ricochet Rabbit-bing-bing-bing” non-stop. I was a dynamo of energy, a smiling Aries out to take on the world. And look out world hear I come!

But somehow I got off my Path. I started to forget my values, or at least not live true to my values. (My values will be a topic for a future post.) I wasn’t living my life from a place of Source energy. You are always connected to the Source. If you weren’t, you’d die. It then becomes a matter of how clean a connection you have. And my connection had gotten quite corroded. And when you have a crummy connection to your Source, you are not living from a place of love, kindness, goodness, abundance, health, and all the other qualities that we associate with living at higher levels of consciousness.

I think part of the not sleeping well started when I starting sleeping with my ex-girlfriend. (And yes, I mean sleeping.) The excitement of having someone there in the bed with, and the unfamiliarity of sleeping with someone, would keep waking me up. I mean c’mon, we are wasting time together by sleeping. We could sharing stuff and experiencing life like. . .midnight runs to Krispy Creme! What is this wasting thing called sleep! Turns out, sleep is a very important body function. And if you don’t get good sleep, you don’t operate too well during the day.

Then I think not sleeping well, with my girlfriend in the same bed, continued because at a soul level I knew that we weren’t right for each other. I loved her, but I knew there was something that wasn’t working and I was subjugating my values by staying with her. The sleep problems were just on outward expression of what my soul was experiencing. (And marrying her wouldn’t have solved any of them, my conservative friends who think I was/am living in sin. ;-)

(Side note: I am not saying my ex-girlfriend was the source of many of my problems. She is a great person, just not the right person for me. If anyone is to blame for all the problems we had it is me. I say that because I stayed in the relationship far longer than I should have while knowing all the red flags and problems weren’t going to work themselves out. I am responsible for my own happiness. I should have made a decision to live aligned to my values and ended the relationship a lot sooner. End side note.)

I even believe that on one level the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Cubital Tunnel Syndrome that racked my arms and ultimately sent me into a deep depression came from having a very corroded connection with Source. Yes, the fact that I am an musician and an avid computer user are the main cause of the repetitive strain injuries. However, if I had been living from Source, I would have taken better care of myself physically before the symptoms came on. (The trip through the darkness will be a topic of a future post.)

For the past few weeks, well at least since Xmas, I have been focusing on reconnecting with Source. I have been meditating regularly, seeking peace and finding serenity again. You know I am discovering is a side effect of all this? That power, that energy, that enthusiasm that I had when I was younger is back. And so is that perpetually smile.

Seriously, I woke up with a smile on my face today. And even though today hasn’t gone liked I planned, I still have serenity and I am smiling right now. And I am finding that that smile makes other people smile. I was emailing a friend from college and she mentioned how much my smile had meant to her. I was surprised. She wrote:

“even so, it is from a different perspective that i say your smile always de-stressed me- you just are one of those people who carries an essence of calmness and tranquility around you, even when you are stressed about something. . .. i don't know. i even feel calmer now- just writing you, after reading your email.”

Now I haven’t seen this friend in easily 4 years. She lives hundred of miles away but somehow my smile touches her now. Can the soul really transcend distances that far when giving out positive energy?

Another friend from college wrote the following after I had sent out a big email talking about the changes in my life.

“YOU SOUND GREAT. Very positive and ready to take on the world - which is how I remember you. I hope you continue to go onwards and Upwards”

She’s right. I do feel that way. And I always felt that when back when she saw me last. Wayne Dyer, in the book The Power of Intention, says that when you are connected to Source you feel good(God). And you will know when your connection with the Source (God) is clean and flowing when you feel good. Also, you have enthusiasm; a word that comes from the Greek entheos, “in God” or “God within.” When you have enthusiasm you are showing the God energy that is within you.

So this brings me to: What am I to do with all this energy? Now that I am reconnecting to Source and feeling good, what do I do with it? The answer is “give it away!” A new friend wrote the following in a email to me.

“WOW...TRIPLE ARIES! You must be quite a dynamic fellow with a strong personality and sense of self. Can you power a room with your energy alone? Like...plug light bulbs into your fingertips and...POW! ILLUMINATION! I think it would take a triple Aries to do that.”

To the people who have known me a long time, isn’t this person right with that assessment of me? When I am on Source, aren’t I the energy giver, the one whose enthusiasm is hard to quench? Lord knows I feel that way when I am one stage playing a gig. And this person makes this comment without even meeting me in person. Now there is use of a great word here, a deep word, illumination. In the dictionary illumination means 1) the act of illuminating 2) the bring forth light 3) clarification or elucidation 4) spiritual or intellectual enlightenment.

I think this is perhaps where my path through the mountain range (see last post) needs to go. This is my answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. (Yes, I know 42 is still the answer.) Remember the movie City Slickers when Jack Palance is talking with Billy Crystal about the secret of life. It is that “one thing” and knowing what that one thing is. The never reveal it in the movie, but Billy Crystal’s character gets it. I think it got it, at least for me. You have to figure out your own answer.

When I look to the past (walking backwards up the mountain) and see when I felt most alive, felt most connected with Source, I see all the times I was helping people; giving of myself to others. And it wasn’t giving of things or money. It was my time, a smile, a song, a hug, a hand, a shoulder, a laugh, a tear. It was the times I gave away my love, with no expectation of receiving anything in return, that I experienced love and happiness back a hundred fold.

Funny how life works. You have to give away that which you want to receive.

So I know now I have to be a light, again. I needed the time in the darkness to remember that. How I choose to shine that light into the world. . .well, I am still working on that. I’ve been starting with giving away smiles again. I don’t have too many friends here in NYC to give hugs to, but perhaps if I started giving away hugs I make more friends. (Either that or get shot.) From there I’ll share my songs again, something I should have never stopped. Baby steps, baby steps. Then we’ll see what comes next.

There is added benefit it this. Serotonin is the chemical in the brain that makes you feel good and it also boosts the immune system. Studies have shown that an act of kindness not boosts the serotonin levels of the recipient of the act, but also the giver. Surprisingly, it also boosts the serotonin levels of anyone who witnesses the act of kindness. Wow, no wonder why I always used to feel good and hardly ever get sick! (There’s your science lesson for the day, kids.)

I’m going to end with an apropos verse from the New Testament. Don’t worry, I’ll be quick. My hazelnut coffee is getting cold. It comes from Matthew 5:14-16. Jesus is talking about illumination.

“You are the light of the world. . . .No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that thy may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”

There you have it from the master himself. Got to give your light away. Don’t worry, like Doritos, we’ll make more. That Source energy is infinite. And the awesome thing I am finding out this time around is that when you are a source of illumination, you are also a recipient of that light. Now that is something to have a good night’s sleep over.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Walking Up the Mountain Backwards

Just a quick note. I am saving the posts on the War in Iraq until I can post them on 3 consecutive days. It is taking more work than I expected to write them. When dealing with a topic as volatile as that one, I want to make sure I am able to cite my sources like a good liberal arts graduate. Ok, now onto today’s post:

“During a morning hike in the hills, I scavenged for omens to use in your horoscope. Nothing pertinent appeared until I was headed home. While rambling down a trail form the top of the ridge, I spied the back of a man moving toward me. It took me a while to realize he was walking up the hill backward. As he passed me, I heard him giving himself a pep talk. Later I told my 13 year-old daughter Zoe about this scene, seeking her insight about what motivated him to engage in such an odd mode of travel. To my surprise, Zoe said she’d done it herself. It’s a psychological trick that helps make a steep ascent easier. You stay focused on how much you’ve already accomplished rather than being overwhelmed by the heights that are ahead of you. I recommend that you try this yourself, Aries.”

-Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny Feb. 23rd – March 1st, 2005

This is my horoscope for the week from my favorite horoscope column. (You can visit it at www.freewillastrology.com ) I have always found Rob Brezsny’s horoscopes so poetic, sometimes odd, always profound and deep. There have been times when I swear that he was peering right into my life. Now a skeptic would say that anything he wrote for the other 11 signs would be apropos for my life because an astrologer often writes them so broad and vague. I would look at the other 11 signs and there would be nothing in them ringing true with my life. However, the Aries horoscope fit.

Do I steer my life by the horoscopes? Do I believe everything about astrology? No. But I have seen to many things about it coincide with my life and who I am to flat out dismiss it. My friend in North Carolina (now Vermont) did my full chart once. It turns out that I am a triple Aries. My sun sign, my moon sign, and my rising sign are Aries. What does that mean in detail? I couldn’t tell you. I can tell you that on one level is that everything you read about the characteristics of an Aries that me times three. There is more to it than that and when my friend was reading my chart and explanations out of several books it was as if she was reading my life and personality.

Back to Rob’s horoscope for this week. I like reading his horoscopes because it just offers a different way to look at my life. The points that he makes are fun to ponder, this week in particular. Lately, I had been feeling daunted by the path or paths ahead. My senior quote in my high school yearbook says, “I have just finished climbing this mountain and see an even greater one ahead.” Boy, I said some major bullcrap back when I was 17!

Perhaps that walking backward up the mountain things makes some sense. I don’t know exactly where I need to go. I have general idea, basically up of course. And there are different peaks I am sure that I can climb. Which one I choose is the big decision I will make this year. That said, perhaps I should pause, turn around and walk awhile backwards up the slope so I can remind myself of what I accomplished. And do that not in a manner of “Look at me! Look at all the great things I have done!!” But rather a, “Hey Spider, you have done great things before. Don’t forget that! And know that you have the strength to do more in the future.”

So I look back and I see that I was in a kick-ass band in NC called Nandina. I recorded two albums and an EP with them. I see that when I graduated Greensboro College I was given its highest honor, the Harold Hutson Award. I see that I moved from NY to NC and started a life down there. I see that through the help of Dr. Stephen Lembo, a Long Island based chiropractor, and Julie Donnelly, LMT and founder of The Carpal Tunnel Treatment Center of NY (www.aboutcts.com), I beat the Carpal Tunnel and Cubital Tunnel Syndromes that plagued me from April 2002 to through Sept. 2003. I see that graduated SUNY Purchase College with my Masters Degree in Studio Composition with unbelievable grades.

More importantly than things and accomplishments, I see all the lives that I touched and have touched mine. I see my best friend since 5th grade still here by my side. We’re entering our 21st year of friendship. I see my family full of amazing individuals. I see my mom, her love and her pride in me. My sisters, who I didn’t get along with at all as a teenager, are now some of my strongest supporters and friends. My father who I am reconnecting with. I see friends that I made in college that are still in my life, still encouraging me. I see friends that I didn’t know I made such a difference in their life. I see musical partners and teachers and how their songs and lessons are still with me.

And there is so much more, more than I realized. It gives me faith, courage and hope to continue the climb. Sure it will be steep and tough at times, but that is the challenge. I have overcome pains so intense that I wanted to die, wanted to give up, but I made it through those. I don’t despair anymore. It is an emotion that I don’t ever feel anymore. So when the next deep valley comes I know that I can make it through. . .a smile on my face, love and faith in my heart and a prayer of gratitude in my voice.

So maybe it makes some sense to walk backwards up the mountain at times (as much as I dislike the mountain range metaphor). And we’ll see what the next words of wisdom for this Aries that Rob Breszny has next week.

Monday, February 21, 2005

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

You start the morning believing that you live in a friendly universe. One that makes sense, has a order to things and is, in general, a safe place. Then you get whacked in the eye by the ¼ inch jack of your headphones. I was going to plug them into my computer so I can watch an episode of Angel with out disturbing my roommate. The cord pulled tight and then, THWACK! right at my eye. Ok, it hurt for a second. I felt more stupid then hurt. Less than 5 minutes later I touch my eyelid and feel something the size of a large almond. I go look in the mirror and I find that I have a mutant growth on my upper left eye lid. After icing it, I now find that it is slowly turning black and blue. Greeeaaat!

Einstein said the biggest difference to the quality of your life will be whether you think we live in a friendly universe or an unfriendly universe. I think this morning is an example of the fact that we live in a universe that laughs at us. For all the grandeur of space, stars, black holes, colliding galaxies. . . .it’s still all bugger down here on Earth! So where does this bring me to? SPAM. Lots of it. What am I talking about?

Saturday, I went to go see SPAMALOT, the new musical based on Monty Python’s “The Search for the Holy Grail.” It was SOOOO damn funny. I haven’t laughed like that is a long time. My friends and I went to see the matinee. I would have stayed for the evening so as well. To those who know me, they know that this was a play written for me. To those who don’t know me, I have been a huge Monty Python fan since I was 15 or 16.

In the beginning it was just listening to CD recordings of their sketches and movie scenes. Then, it was trips to the video store to rent episodes of “The Flying Circus.” Then, there were the movies. “The Life of Brian”, “The Search for the Holy Grail” and “The Meaning of Life.” Then came the memorizing of scenes. I became disturbingly skilled at recreating the voice of an old English woman. (“There’s some nice filth down here, Dennis. Oh, how do you do sir?”)

I even got my friends into Monty Python. My best friend, my complete opposite, even loved Monty Python. I don’t think there are any mild Python fans. It’s like the band Rush. You either love them or you don’t get them and don’t understand why so many people find them funny.

Like Midnight Oil with Australia, Monty Python introduced me to many things British. Many of their jokes critique British society at the time. So it forced me to learn the context of the jokes so I could get them. That only made the jokes funnier beyond just the absurdity of their sketches. The Pythons used the absurd to skewer all the pillars of society from family to religion to politics to history and myth. Nothing was sacred.

So to understand me, or at least one aspect of me, you need to understand Monty Python. I even did a lecture on the music of Monty Python for one of graduate music history classes. Their influence is far and wide. Everyone from the Muppet Show to Tenacious D. With songs ranging from “The Penis Song” to “Never Be Rude to an Arab” to "Sit on My Face" to“Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” their music (most written by Eric Idle) drew from many styles from classical to burlesque. While laughing to their songs, I didn’t realize that I was absorbing such great music. (To all the Python fans reading this, I know I now have gotten “Always look on the Bright Side of Life” stuck in your head just by mentioning it.)

Well, I need to go take my ex-parrot back to the pet store. After I eat my crunchy frog candy, of course. Now I know that I need to watch out as I walk to the store because horrible death awaits me with sharp, pointy teeth. But I am not worried. My coconuts are fast and I have my holy hand grenade.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Hi, my name is Jim and I am a geek. “HI JIM!!!!”


Today, I thought I’d expound about the definition of being a geek and why I take pride in calling myself one. This has been a recent discussion between my co-worker/friend and I. He was surprised that I called myself a geek. He was further surprised in that I took pride in it. “Jim, I thought that was just you being a white boy,” he says to me.

This leads into a discussion that I don’t have enough black artists in my CD collection. I mention B.B. King, Miles Davis, Stanley Jordan, Muddy Waters and others. He replies, “Jim, I expect you to have those. They're all instrumentalists, like you. Don’t you have any singers?” (Side note: I am a guitarist of 16 years. End side note.)


“Sade, Barry White. . .” I reply

‘They don’t count either,” he says, “Everybody has those, white or black. That’s what you put on when you want to get laid.” True. Note to self, "Do not put on Sade when the next girl comes over! She’ll be on to your intentions in no time flat."

But I am getting off the subject here. So my friend asks why I consider myself a geek and why am I so ok with it. Hence the subject of this post. Growing up my best friend in the world would say to me, “Jim, you’re the weirdest person I know.” (Come to think of it, he still says that to me.) And I never felt like I fit in to any one clique or group. Part of me thought there must be something wrong with me. Then I found it. I’m just a geek.

First, I think we must differentiate the difference between a geek, nerd, dweeb and dork and any other classification near the bottom of the high school clique ladder.

Now a dork is someone who is just being silly or stupid. This can be temporary as in, “Jim stop it, you’re being such a dork.” Or it can be permanent condition as in, “You hung out with Jim? God, he is always such a dork!”

A dweeb is only a minor step up from a dork. While I don’t think it conjures up the imagery of stupidity as a dork does, a dweeb is just as uncool. And always uncool. However, I think that a dweeb can outgrow his or her "dweebiness." For example, your dweeb kid brother who somehow grows up to becomes the Big Man On Campus, usually after drinking a lot of milk.

Now a nerd is someone we are familiar with. Hell, they even made a series of movies about their revenge. (The first one is classic. The second is passable. The others they made after that, pure drivel.) Now nerds are very smart, usually bookish and always uncool. You remember them in high school. Their senior year they took all Advanced Placement classes. You know they are going to end up with a P.h.d. in advanced chemistry or something, like my high school classmate Paul. Bill Gates, while now a bazillionaire, is still a nerd and still uncool.

Now Steve Jobs at Apple has a bit of coolness to him. That’s why Macs are sleek and sleek looking. That is because Steve Jobs is a geek. Geeks are highly intelligent, however they have the ability to be cool, and get laid. Also, geekness implies an area of expertise. You can have math geeks, computer geeks and tech geeks. Then you have genre specific geeks such as Star Wars and Star Trek geeks. You know, the people who dress as stormtroopers or Klingons. (Ok, so those guys aren’t the paragon of coolness.)

Granted most geeks live in the science, book, math, tech worlds, but you can also have geeks in other “normal” areas such as sports geeks. Like anyone who can tell you who played third base for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1978 is a geek. (Know the movie reference?) And the hosts of “Car Talk” on NPR, a very fun show, are car geeks. If you rarely ever lose at the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”, and knew the movie reference I just made, then you are a movie geek.

Also, people can really hide their geekness. My co-worker would not believe that Babyface, famous R&B singer/producer, is a geek. Now Babyface is cool, awesome guy. He writes the sweetest love songs. But you get him talking about recording equipment and microphones and he becomes a total tech/recording geek.

Here are some quotes from some “geek” t-shirts. Most of them come from the website
www.thinkgeek.com where geeks can go to purchase stuff to show their pride. Don’t worry if you don’t get all the jokes. But if you do get all the jokes and references, your level of geekness may be too far gone for any hope. . . like mine.


Web Programmer/Internet Geek

roses are #FF0000

violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you

Fantasy Genre Geek

"When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon....you just have to outrun the halfling."

Math Geek

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't"


Physics Geek

Front: "Schrödinger's Cat is Dead" Back: “Schrödinger's Cat is Not Dead"

Music Geek

E=Fb, The Music Theory of Relativity

Gaming Geek

“Don’t make me go Zelda on your ass!”

Buffy/Angel Geek

“Grr! Arrgh!”, or “Sunnydale High School Alumni”


So why take pride in being a geek? The answer: why not! I know I am different. I know that I will never fit in to any one group completely. I know that I see the world through kaleidoscope tinted glasses and few other people have that prescription. I think that is why I like the stuff at
www.thinkgeek.com. It encourages me to be who I am. Who cares if most of the world isn’t going to get the joke that is on my shirt! I can live with that. Most of Jonathan Livingstone Seagull's flock couldn’t understand why he flew so high or fast either.

And as far as being alone in the big world, I take comfort that there are others like me out there. Yes, we are far a few between, but we are there. It just makes the search that more exciting. I was checking some dating sites the other week. Don’t know why I was there. Not that I am searching for a full-on relationship right now. I guess I was just window-shopping. Anyway, I do my searches to see what women are looking for “music” or “guitar” or stuff like that. Then on a whim, I type in “geek”, not expecting any results, because that is what I am. Maybe someone is out there looking for me. (I have yet to try this at Eharmony.com. I am scared that after taking their profile test I will get the reply, “I’m sorry, you are too much of a geek for anyone in our database.”)

Sure enough an ad comes up with the title “I Love Geeks.” I pause. I read the ad and it is as if this girl talked to my sister Katie and asked what would be the best way to describe me. Actually, it was kinda freaky. She writes that she is looking for friendship, but only truly connects with geeks. I read her profile and find we have a lot in common; scarily so.

So I email her. She emails back. Then she sends an email that she won’t be able to talk for awhile because of family stuff. Hopefully in the near future she will get back to me, not worried about it. But the key thing she said was that it made her feel good to know that there were other people like her out there.

“Woke up this morning/ Can’t believe what I saw/ One hundred million bottles, washed up on my shore/ Seems like I am not alone in being alone/ A hundred million castaways looking for our home”

Sting wrote this in the song, “Message in a Bottle.” I guess that was what her ad was. Sending out an S.O.S. to the world to see if there are other souls like her. I think one does this when everyone you encounter in your daily life, your circle of influence, doesn’t get you. Lord knows I have felt that before. The need to feel understood, if only by one other human soul, is so great.

I guess this blog is my “Message in a Bottle.” I don’t know how many of you reading will get everything I write about. But that isn’t the point. The point is to throw the bottle into the ocean, as often as you can. That is your job. When and how the Universe answers back. . .well, that is God’s job.

Well, good night friends. I’m taking a short trip to where geeks, dreamers, and all others like me are welcome, accepted and at home. “Third star on the left. Then straight on till morning.”


Friday, February 18, 2005

Random Thoughts, Part 2

1. Everyone looks rough at the Laundromat on Sunday morning. Present company included.

2. There was a beatitude that Jesus forgot to mention, “Blessed be the bearer of chocolate.” (Am I right, ladies?)

3. Have you noticed the guy whose job it is to mark your receipt as you leave a store? I don’t about you, but in the stores around here they don’t even look in your bag. What they hell is his mark on my receipt going to do? Particularly the guy at Home Depot. He doesn’t even really look in my bag. How does he not know that I am walking out with a wankle rotary engine?
And there is the security guard guy at the local five and dime store, Dee & Dee’s. This guy couldn’t chase down a snail who had a tailwind. I could knock him down with a flick of a finger. “Let me see your receipt.” He draws a circle on it and lets me go. WTF is the purpose of that!?!

4. Like #2, I think there was a commandment that Moses forgot to write down. #11, “Thou shalt not get up before the sun.” Now, it is alright to stay up until the sun gets up, but the sun should rise before you if you are asleep. That way you can see what you’re doing.

5. Neil Peart is the best drummer alive. Period.

6. It still sucks that Dimebag Darrell was killed. (Guitarist of Damageplan and Pantera for those who don’t know.) I am still bummed about that.

7. While Krispy Kreme donuts beats Dunkin Donuts’ donuts, Dunkin Donuts Coffee kicks Krispy Kreme’s coffee’s butt. AND Dunkin Donut’s coffee beats Starbucks anyday.

8. Here is a short rant on the diamond industry by Ed Roman of Ed Roman Guitars. If you do a Google on the diamond industry you will see that what he speaks about is true. http://www.edromanguitars.com/rant/diamonds.htm


9. Ok, this one is a kicker. So the agency I work for helps people with autism. In our residential houses, we give a home and services to autistic/MR people over the age of 21. Now these people have a need just like everyone else, and will take care of it themselves. Just because they have autism or MR doesn’t eliminate nature’s desire. You know, they take a little extra time in the bathroom, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (C’mon, you know you all do it so don’t judge. If you say you don’t I know you’re a liar.)

Anyway, somehow we had gotten on the topic that sometimes staff will walk in on a resident doing their business. It’s like, “Whoah!! I didn’t need to see that!” So my co-worker shared a story of when he worked for another agency. He was working for at a residence and walked in on a resident going to town with an unusual pleasure aid. Now, not to go too far into the gutter, or too gross, I, as other males, have used lotion, Vaseline, shampoo in the shower. . .in other words, logical things to use.

So my friend said that this resident was using ALUMINUM FOIL! Let me repeat that. He was pleasuring himself with aluminum foil wrapped around his John Thomas!!??!!!?!?!?!!

I was deeply disturbed for the rest of the day. My nether regions cringed in sympathy pain. And my mind tried, and failed, to grasp the concept of using Aluminum Foil. I am still shaking my head at this. Granted this isn’t as wacked out as that guy in Wales cutting off his own balls (Random Thoughts, Part 1), and I know the resident is not all there, but c’mon, aluminum foil!!

I have a feeling I will joke about this for many a post to come.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Ok, I know this it total geek, but I had to share!

Alright, calling all geeks. . . .well, at least the sci-fi and fantasy geeks!

Grab your towel, stick out your thumb and Goto:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/subst/home/home.html/103-0153721-1142248


Finally, everyone will know "Don't Panic!"

But they will also learn the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. Drat. That is ok, they won't know the question. Ha-ha-ha

Ok, back to my pan-gargle blaster.

A Quick Look Forward

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I just wanted to give you a little insight to my processes here and a head’s up on topics to come. I know my last post was quite long. Sorry about that. I just open the brain and keep writing until the spirit tells me to stop. I go back and edit a bit, but I try to keep what I wanted to talk about intact. For the most part, I try to stay at 2 pages in Microsoft Word, 12 font as my length limit. Though, like my friend Jaysen, who I mentioned in the entry titled “Inspirations,” I can have a hard time staying within a word limit.

I try to type up my entries at home and then upload them either at the local internet café or from work since I don’t have internet access at home. (Something that is driving me up the wall, but I am learning to cope.) Also, I will write ideas in my journal during lunch or whenever a inspiration hits me.

One more thing before I give a list of upcoming topics. So a few of my friends and family members have said that my blog has inspired them to start their own. I can’t tell you how much I am touched by that. Also, some friends who read my blog have shared it with their friends. That touches me as well. To think that what I write may inspire, or piss off, someone enough to share it with their friends. . .well, it feels good. Thank you.

Ok, here is a list of upcoming topics. The as promised post about the War in Iraq may not happen tomorrow, but I will try to get it done by Friday, Sunday at the latest.

1. The Bush Administration’s Plan to Invade Iraq: Illegal and Immoral or “Wait, Wait, Don’t Lie to Me!”
2. Hi, my name is Jim and I am a geek. “HI JIM!!!!”
3. “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
4. Random Thoughts, Part 2
5. Illumination, The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and why is Jim bouncing off the walls again.
6. The Bush Administration’s Handling of the War in Iraq: Incompetent and Immoral or “Son of Wait, Wait Don’t Lie to Me!”
7. Talking with John at Work
8. Angel, Duncan McLeod, Spiderman, Stitch, and Chet Atkins (Heroes)
9. Life Metaphors, Part 1: Getting of the Roller Coaster
10. The Invitation
11. Spider’s Top Ten Lists
12. The Bush Administration’s Plans for After the War in Iraq: Indefensible and Immoral or “Return of the Son of Wait, Wait Don’t Lie to Me!”
13. Fortier et Fidelitier, Stand Up Little Sister

Look’s like I have a bit of typing to do. That is ok, I have lots of things inside my head I want to process out. You may notice on “Random Thoughts” and “Life Metaphors” I noted their part number. That is because these will be ongoing topics. When I collect enough random thoughts together I will publish them. And since there are a number of Life Metaphors I want to tackle and examine it will probably take a number of posts over the coming months.

There are more ideas that I will write about than just these 13, but I think they are a good start. Again, I appreciate your comments. When I write something that jives with you or you think is a truth, let me know. When I write something that you disagree with or you think I am totally off the mark with, let me know. This blog is an outward display of my inner journey. Any observations will be considered until I grok in fullness. (If you don’t know that word, turn off your computer and go read Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein right now.)

Namaste,
Jim “Spider” O’Gara

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Post Valentine's Day Thoughts

I apologize in advance for the long post. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Monday, was the first Valentine’s since 2000 that I spent alone. It really didn’t bother me as I had spent the previous 23 Valentine’s Days single. I hate the commercialism that surrounds the holiday, as with all the others. But with this one, I hate all the focus that is placed on romantic love and finding happiness in another person. Both are cruel myths perpetrated by our society that, I feel, leave so many people unfilled and looking for happiness in the wrong place.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that “I Don’t Believe in Love.” I do. Love is the creative force of the Universe. Is it not said in the Gospel of John, “God is Love.”?(In my opinion, that is one of the five most important verses in the New Testament. I’ll reference two more in this post.) I truly believe in the healing power of, the conquering strength of, and the enduring perseverance of love. However, romantic love is an evolutionary chemical reaction to ensure we breed. That is why is usually only lasts for two years.

You see, beyond that chemical attraction love has to be a choice. When the fire fades and reality sets in, you need to know how to love the person you have chosen in a way that they feel loved, even if that form is in a way that is not natural for you. What they hell am I talking about? In the book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman suggests that there are five love languages in which a person feels love. And we more often than not give love in the primary language that we feel loved. Quite often this is a different language then the primary language of the person we are trying to love. So loving someone so they feel loved is a choice, it isn’t automatic. It doesn’t happen by Cupid’s Arrow. And it is the love that is a choice, a daily practice, that endures. Not this crap they sell on TV.

I am not trying to be a cynic, but listen to all the crap they tell you about love. That if you are single, there has to be something wrong with you, especially if you are above a certain age. Sleeping Beauty has be saved by her Prince Charming. “Someday My Prince Will Come” or “Stormy Weather, since my gal and I ain’t together/Keeps raining all the time. . . “ George Lucas one advised Steven Speilberg, “If a man and woman walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand in the last reel, it adds $10 million to the box office.” Thanks George, no wonder why Attack of the Clones sucked ass!

My favorite line of crap is the quote, “We are all angels with one wing, and we only truly learn to fly when we are with another.” I may have misquoted, and unlike my usual modus operandi I can’t find the author, but the spirit is still there. Can you see how flawed this quote is? Some many people use it in such a romantic fashion , but it is inherently lacking. How? Well, what if some people’s wing stops working for some reason? How can the other person, with only one wing flapping, hold up both of them?

I am going to submit something radical. How about we are ALL ANGELS, with two functional wings? This is really radical. Surely you have seen the bumper sticker that says, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” (Thanks Wayne Dyer!) Doesn’t this sound healthier? Doesn’t this sound more empowering? So that when one of one’s wings get sick, their beloved’s two wings are strong and help them until they are well again.

But we aren’t taught how to fly with both wings. Well at least most of us aren’t . Our parents were operating under the old paradigm. They didn’t know that they, and we, have two wings instead of one. So they teach us to only fly with one wing. Society has no interest in people learning to fly with both wings. Who else would they sell their wares that prey on people’s insecurities? And religion? They have no interest in helping people fly with both their wings, even if their founders told them how. Why? Because how could the clergy on high stay in power if their congregations suddenly grew wing and flew away?

So what am I hinting at? Basically I am talking about the source of happiness. Where does one find it? Is it found it acquiring things? Will roses, chocolate-filled heart boxes, and diamonds given to another give you that happiness? It might get you laid. But will it bring joy, peace, happiness, bliss? Will you find happiness in Madison Avenue or TV’s portrayal of what we’re supposed to get out of life? The new dress the new car, the house, the job, the 2.5 kids? What about religion? Have you been praying to some distant deity above the clouds yet still wondering why you feel like a worthless sinner? Sure religion will give you rigid order to structure your life, but I’d bet you’d be hard pressed to find true happiness there.

So where is it? How do we get our wings? Funny, God hide it in the last place on Earth we’d look. “The Kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:21) And there was another clue given to finding said happiness, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.” Heaven, happiness, bliss, joy, peace and yes, LOVE is inside of you. And it isn’t just in Christian scriptures that you will find comments like this. They appear in just about every spiritual tradition.

And not to get all preachy, let me quote just one more passage:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your hear and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40)

So loving God along with loving each other as we love ourselves is the key. Where is God to be found? In all of us. That is so important, I think I will say that again really loud. GOD IS FOUND IN ALL OF US. And loving your neighbor as yourself doesn’t just mean to love your neighbor. Jesus is also telling us not to love any other human more than ourselves. Surprisingly clear, as with Luke 17:21, but often misunderstood. You have to love, truly love, yourself first, then you will be able to love your neighbor.

I have kind of gotten of the track here. Valentine’s Day. Commercial crap fed down our throats. Right. How are we supposed to be able to love someone, if we don’t know how to love ourselves. How can we learn another’s love language if we don’t even know our own.? It is like the woman who always thinks she’s fat even though she is in the best shape of her life. Will she ever truly believe her lover’s words of affection and adoration until she learns to love herself and see herself as whole at any weight? Would we have any negative self-directed thought if we truly lived as if we knew the Kingdom of God was within us? Or the man who seeks to end his loneliness by entering into one relationship after another thinking that the next woman will provide him with that something missing in his life, but ends up feeling alone all the time even in a lover’s arms. Won’t he always feel alone until he learns to truly love, without judgement, the one who is with him all the time? And isn’t the man who achieves that never alone?

This sort of relates to the poem I quoted in one of my first posts. It talks about that “two halves have little choice but to join and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes, when they coincide. . .that is beauty. That is love.” Angel with two wings, baby! When two angels like that fly together, watch out!!

So this Valentine’s Day I sat the whole game out. Let Hallmark and the rose industry make their millions. I came home and worked out. Got to get my wings back in shape. I have some flying to do. Flying high, flying far, flying fast. That is what life is about. I have to catch up with Jonathan (if you are a book geek, then you’ll get that reference.) And I will find another angel, with two functional wings, at some point to fly with. Not worried about it right now. She’ll appear when the time is right. And she’ll know that her happiness is not to be found in me. It’s in her as mine is in me. We just decided to share the flight together.

End note: I did give the card industry business this year. Lesson hard learned in life. “Keep the women in your life happy and things will run smoothly.” Comes from growing up in a family dominated by women. I sent out four cards.

One to my Mom. I found an awesome card that spoke of the amazing love she has for me and of my thankful for all that she is in my life. Not just the obvious birth, but I wouldn’t be here still on this Earth without the strength of her love.

One to my sister, Katie. She needed a Valentine this year that wasn’t going to break her heart or stab her in the back. What better person that job than her brother! I sent a V-Day email to my sister Kelly because I couldn’t find a card for her. And this for not of lack of want. I only found one V-Day card for a sister, and it almost was like a sister to a sister. (that is the one I sent Katie.) I guess I would have to gone to West Virginia to find a V-Day card that speaks of brother-sister love. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that easy and bad joke.)

One to my friend who has stuck with me through our respective roller-coasters of life, no matter how much I hate that life metaphor. (Topic of future post)

And finally, one to my ex-girlfriend. It was hard to find a card a that fit our situation, but I did choose one that spoke of how she did love me and stood by me through the good and bad times we had. Even though her vision of what love is and mine don’t work together, she did/does love me in her way. And I felt I had to honor that.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Your A Good Man, Charlie Brown

I am coming home on the N-Train last night from flamenco concert at Carnegie Hall. I get on the train at Times Square and know that it will be about 30 minute ride to my stop in Astoria. After that it is a 13 block walk to my apartment. That translates to 10-15 minutes. New Yorkers, at least the one who live in the City, walk everywhere. I get in the train and lean against the door that connects to the next car. (Notice how I said get “in” the train, and not on the train. Evil Knivel can get on the train, freakin’ nut.) And there is this really cute, Hispanic woman sitting to the left of me. We make eye contact and smile. I don’t think too much about it at first.

We end up making eye contact and smiling the entire trip back to Astoria. She’s got her headphones in, looks up at me and smiles. I am playing bowling on my cell phone (Hi, Rachel!) I look catch her eye and smile again. And I mean, she is giving me the I’m-really-interested-in-you-eyes-and-smile.

This is driving me nuts sending my mind spiraling through so many thoughts. What do I do? Should I start talking to her? We’re in a crowded train, how can I do that and not look like an idiot? Also, let me check my pockets. . .Damn it, I am out of gum. I wonder what my breath smells like. If I am going to talk with her, in these cramped quarters, I at least want to have fresh breath. And really, I must have a B.I.V. or something, because she can’t think that I am good looking tonight. I have a bit of a hat head, and surely the circles under my eyes are dark right now.

She didn’t hear my internal monologue of course. She just kept making eye contact and smiling. I guess she did think I was good looking regardless of the hat head. This brings to mind some things that have happened at work. Apparently, I am a wanted man by both women and men. My co-worker told me, “Jim, I have never seen someone cause quite a commotion here as you.”

I reply, “Well, there are some cute girls here.”

He says, “No Jim, you don’t understand. It’s among the men too.” Now my company is very diverse and has a good percentage of homosexuals, lesbians and trans-gender people working there. I totally cool with that. I actually welcome the diversity. Also, I don’t mind that men find me good-looking. The male ego has no sexual preference. I could be walking down the street with my homophobic, conservative best friend. A gay man could walk past and say to me, “Nice ass!” As much as my friend would deny it, one of the top five thoughts going through his head will be “What, my ass isn’t good enough?” He would probably go to his wife that evening and ask, "Honey, I have a nice ass, right?" She would then look at him very strange and then say yes to comfort his ego. But I digress.

One of my supervisors even told me that a girl from another office was throwing herself at me during the first few weeks that I worked there. I didn’t notice one, because I am usually clueless when that happens and two, I was still dating my girlfriend at that time and I don’t cheat. Sorry, I never break that rule. So I tell my supervisor that I just can’t see why this woman was attracted to me. She says, “Jim, you are a very good looking man!”

My reply, “I don’t see myself that way.” She asks, “Why not.”

“I guess I have never been concerned about being a good-looking man, but rather a good man. In the long run, my looks will fade, my hair will fall out (it is starting to thin now, damn your genes, Dad!), but what’s inside lasts forever.”

My supervisor isn’t the only person who has told me that recently. A friend from college reconnected with me through this blog. She had said that she had freshman crush on me as apparently many a girl did at Greensboro College. My reply was something to effect of if there were all this girls that found me attractive, how come my phone was ringing off the hook! I am on the phone with another friend a few weeks ago and she says, "Spider, you're hot!" And we've never kissed because. . . .

Again, I am getting off topic. Ok, so I am apparently an attractive man. Why don't I see that? In talking with the last friend recently she mentioned that a friend of her's said that "we all have our Mikael-Gorbechev New Zealand wine stain on our foreheads." Ok, she didn't say that exactly but I don't want to give away too much personal info about my friend. Her friend went on to say that it is how we deal with that wine stain that shows our true selfs to others. Think about it, the guy who has lost a leg is probably so self-conscious about it. But ever meet someone who while having no leg moves like they had two. Or acts that it isn't even missing and you don't notice it either.

So I guess what I am getting at is that people don't see the faults that we see in ourselves. Myself, I still see the skinny kid from Long Island. Sure I have a bit more facial hair now, but that is who I see in the mirror. Granted I may weigh a good 15 pounds more than I did at 18 (a good 15 pounds), but I am still the boy that was called "Ethiopian" in elementary school for being so skinny. (God kids are so cruel.) But I also see, when I look in the mirror, a man who has done good things. A man who have been loved, who does love. I see a dreamer, a composer. I see my smile.

Which brings us back to the girl on the train. I think people are most attractive when they are living to their highest self, when they are living congruent to their values and dreams. For instance, my friend is involved in theatre. When she is on stage or working backstage, she is in her element and she just shines. Perhaps, that is what all the girls at GC saw. I was just playing my guitar, having a good time and trying to make people smile. Nothing more. Just living to who I am. And perhaps that is what the girl on the train saw. I had just come from this amazing flamenco concert. I had went with a guitarist friend who was dying to see the show, so I felt great that I could share the experience with him. And there I was on the train happy, smiling because I was happy.

You are probably dying to know what happened, right? Well, I let her go. Sorry to dissapoint you. I know that I should have slipped her my card or followed her off at her exit. She did say to me, "Have a good night" as she walked off the train one stop before mine. I could have gotten off. It would have only added 10 minutes to my walk home. But that wasn't my purpose for the evening. I wasn't looking to pick up a girl. I wanted to have a good night with my friend, be inspired by some incredible music and then go to sleep fairly early so I can be rested after a stressful week. (By the way, I finally finished that loft.) The smiles and flirting I had with that girl were just icing on the cake and was a nice reminder that I am good looking. . .even when I don't believe it myself.

And besides, there will always be more cute girls on the train. There always are here in NYC.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Random Thoughts

The following are various random thoughts that have passed my brain the past month or so. None are long enough for their own post. Also, since they are on the a variety of topics and not related, I will just jump form one to another with no connections.

1. In many of the butcher shops through Astoria, NY they display their ware in the windows. You know, showing chops and shanks and so on. In many of these shops they will display a whole lamb hanging by its back legs. When I say a “whole lamb” I mean the whole damn thing, head and eyeballs included. Sometimes they display just head.

Now this may be a delicacy for some f the ethnic cultures that live here in Astoria, but it really freaks me out. I can’t shake the feeling that the lamb or lamb’s head is looking at me. No matter what point in front of the store I stand, those eyes are looking straight at me. It’s like the Mona Lisa, but in a sick Clive Barker sense. I now speed up when I walk past the butcher to escape the evil gaze of the lamb head.


2. Last Tuesday, as I walked home from giving a guitar lessons I walked by a man who reeked of patchouli oil. The man, who obviously showered in the stuff, did not fit my mental association with this scent. I turned expecting to see a dread-headed, stoned, tye-died, hippie type guy. You know, someone who would fit in perfectly at a Phish concert. Someone who tokes copious amounts of 420 and says stuff like “woah” and “dude” quite often.

The man was a short Mexican in a sweatshirt and jeans. That totally messed with my head.


3. So my cellphone, like most, has video games on it. My favorite on my phone is the bowling game. The game is fairly fun and I use it to pass time while on the train. Unfortunately, the programming is quite simple and therefore I am unable to spare on a 7-10 split like in real life. This frustrates me, but it isn’t the point I want to make.

Whenever you get a spare or strike this brown-haired girl in a baseball cap comes out a cheers for you. If you get a spare she gives you a thumbs up. If you strike she waves her arms in excitement. For some reason I have named her Rachel. I don’t know why. The first time she appeared my mind said, “Hi, Rachel.” Don’t ask why, I can’t tell you. And I have said that or some other greeting every time she appears. I take some odd comfort that Rachel lives in my phone’s bowling game.

It is stuff like this that keeps me from getting accepted into the CIA.


4. Ok, this one I have to quote an article from London. I wish I could make stuff like this up.

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday. Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done. Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.



Ah. . . . Hmmm. .. .I think . . . Shit, how I can comment on this!! WTF was wrong this this guy!! Make a bet that you’ll shave your head, or drink somebody’s piss or anything else besides cutting off your own testicles!!! And even if you make that bet, no one and I mean NO ONE seriously expects you to follow through and cut off your own balls!

Figures that this was rugby fan. Rugby players and fans don’t have their heads on right in the first place. You didn’t hear about any people in New England say, “If the Patriots win the Super Bowl, I’ll cut my balls off.” You know why? Because football fans are normal people. Sure they paint their fat beer bellies and expose them to the cold wind, but they aren’t into self-mutilation on a grand level. Now I bet a Patriots fan did say, “If the Philidelphia Eagles wins, I’ll cut Joey’s balls off.” Joey being the lone Eagle fan in the Boston bar where they were watching the game. But that is understandable.

Even though this guy in South Wales didn’t kill himself in an ingeniously stupid way, I think he still deserves a Darwin Award. (www.darwinawards.com) Every year that site gives awards to the people who most creatively take themselves out of the gene pool, thereby cleaning it up a little. In other words, natural selection is at work in humans. This guy has taken himself out of the gene pool. So I guess we should be thankful that he won’t be breeding.

I’ll be shaking my head thinking about this one for awhile.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

An Uncommon Soldier

Sunday, I watched the Super Bowl with my best friend at his brother’s house. There were 15 other men there and it was way too much testosterone for me. Let me clarify that. It was sports testosterone. I don’t handle that well. Give me an AC/DC concert. Give me a Pantera concert. That is testosterone I can deal with. Football? Is there a mosh pit in there somewhere? No? Darn.

The game was fun to watch, the food better, and the banter from the guy was overall good. Plus, time spent with my best friend is always time well spent. Here’s the focus of this post.

We had been enjoying the funny commercials. (The dude that looked like he was killing a cat was priceless.) At some point in the third or fourth quarter, Anhauser Busch runs a commercial that brings me to tears. I am sure some of your saw it. For those who didn’t, let me recap the commercial.

The scene opens at an airport terminal. We see people waiting with luggage, calm music playing int eh background. You see a family here, a business man there.

The camera pans to a group of U.S. soldiers, in desert fatigues, walking through the main pathway. A lone person starts clapping and stands up. A family joins in the clapping. The business man turns to see the commotion, sees the soldiers and stands up to join the applause. Quickly, the entire terminal is clapping for the soldiers.

The music fades and all we hear is the applause. We see the soldiers faces of gratitude and smiles as they carry their loaded rucksacks. It is a perfectly mixed group, of course. The Hispanic male, the black male and female, the maybe Asian or American Indian female, the pure bred country white boy, and the pretty redheaded woman who could have been the girl next door at one point in her life.

You can see the pride and thankfulness on their faces. It is clear to see, though, that these are grunts. While no rank was shown on the uniforms, you can tell that none were above a sergeant, maybe a lieutenant. Again, perfectly pitched to show the everyday soldier.

The commercial ends with one of the soldiers looking back and smiling. The screen fades to black and the simple words, “Thank You” appear in the middle of the screen.


There I am, in this room of 15 “manly” man, tears just streaming down my face. Even now, as I write this I am getting choked up. (Damn you Madison Ave for playing with my heartstrings!) My best friend is sitting next to me. I know he sees my tears. I know he knows why I am crying.

You see, my sister, Sgt. Kelly O’Gara, US Army, arrived in Tikrit, Iraq on Monday. She had left for Kuwait on Dec. 30th. I spent Xmas with her and my other sister, Katie, in NC before she left. It was so bittersweet. It was the first Xmas my sisters and I had together without parents and the last time we knew the three of us would be together until at least next October, if Kelly gets leave.

(Side note: I used my sisters’ real names because I really can’t hide them behind code names. If I say “my sister, Liz” there is only two to choose from. You have a 50% chance of guessing who it is. Plus, I don’t think it would be fair to the sacrifice my sister Kelly is making as a soldier to hide it behind another name. End side note.)

Now I am not going to get started about how I feel about Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL), I mean Freedom. That will be the focus of another post in the future. I really want to use this space to talk about how I feel about Kelly, and her being in the warzone. (Don’t worry Katie, you’ll be the subject matter of future posts. You can bet on it.)

Kelly has been in the Army for seven years now. Four years active duty and three in the reserves. She only had one year left to her commitment before she got activated. We knew she was activated for Iraq since June. She has been overseas before. Kelly has spent 8 months in Bosnia on the side of a mountain where she wasn’t in combat. This will be her first warzone duty.
This all brings such conflicting emotions for me. I totally disagree with this war in Iraq. It was sold to the people based upon lies. But at the same time, would I feel any less torn up about my sister in harms way if she was in Afghanistan hunting out Osama and Al Queda, something I do believe in? How do I keep positive about her time there in Iraq? It has gotten to the point where I try to not read or listen to any news from there because I don’t want to hear about another soldier killed or injured. And I was reading a lot of foreign papers so I heard things that weren’t getting reported in American press.

How do I have any confidence in my government when I know the common soldier is getting screwed over? In my mom’s latest email regarding Kelly, the conditions in which she has to live in are substandard. Now I know war is hell, but this is ridiculous. I would have gladly given my tax cut back so our soldiers could have better supplies and stuff. (If you think I am just a liberal ranting about this war, goto www.optruth.org to hear stories from veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts. Hear about it from people who have been there.)

The common soldier. This brings us back to that commercial. While it did tear at me, I knew it was a marketing peace to keep our sympathies for those soldiers and this war. Because really who gets screwed in all this? Not the politicians. Not the generals. It’s the common soldier. (If you want to see how screwed, take a look at the V.A. cuts in next years budget.) But one of those common soldiers is my sister so that makes it personal.

Actually, she is an uncommon soldier. And this my one hope. Kelly is good at what she does. Let me rephrase that, she is EXCELLENT at what she does. She is a damn good soldier and any commanding officer would love to have her in their team. In her company, she is know as “The Bitch” because she is so hard on the soldiers under her. One soldier even approach her privately about this. Kelly’s response: “It is not my job to be nice. My job, my only job, is to make sure you and I get home. . .Alive. You can hate me for our entire time in Iraq. But when you get home, alive, you will love me. And to make sure we get home alive, I am going to make that you, and everyone, does their job to their best. So if I am too hard, you’ll forgive me in 18 months.” (Ok, I paraphrased a bit about what she said, but you get the idea.)

Kelly makes me proud. Not proud to be an American in a beer commercial way, definitely not a proud supporter of this war. But proud that I am her brother. Someday I will meet a soldier who served under her and hear a story about how because of Kelly’s excellence they came out alive. Or perhaps, because of Kelly’s leadership this soldier grew as a person. How do I know? Because someone as good as Kelly will always touch lives.

Of all the things Kelly is (sergeant, soldier, leader, communications technology expert, etc) she will always be my sister. Before she was born, she could have chose a lot of other families to be born into, but she chose mine. So I am blessed to be sistered by her. And inspired to be the best brother I can be.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

So Glad to See You, Garfield!

I talked with my Mom on the phone last evening. Well, it was evening for me and afternoon for her as she lives three hours behind in Las Vegas. The purpose of the call was to let her know that I was doing ok and I was settling in. (Bringing that last batch of stuff over effected me a little more that I thought it would.)

So she says to me that she has some glassed and mugs that she wants to send me. These are things that she has held onto through her moves. For instance, there are a couple of smoked glass mugs that my father had bought with a big "O" on it for our last name. Another is a couple of Return of the Jedi collector glasses that we had bought at Burger King over 20 years ago. I can't wait to sell those to some Star Wars geek on Ebay!

There was one mug that I prayed she had in her posession. The mug has the cartoon character Garfield painting my name, Jim, on a wall. The personal significance of this mug is that it was a gift from my very first girlfriend. I thought I had lost this mug in my eleven moves since graduating from college. Mom goes to a room in her apartment, opens a box and lo and behold, Garfield is starting back at her. Serendipity, Baby!!!

No why do I care so much about this mug from relationship I had when I was 13, maybe 14? I guess because it was my first taste of love, of the sparkes that fly between a young boy or girl. It got me thinking about the other "firsts" in my life.

The first girl I truly fell head over heels for: I took her to my prom. She was absolutely beautiful. If I close my eyes, and let my memories go, I can still smell her perfume. I don't know the name of the brand, but I can still smell it 12 years later. She gave me a little "sand flea" sculpture that says "Born to Play." It's on my bookcase right now. Things never worked out between her and I. She had issues and I didn't really know how to communicate well with women then. (Not that I know completely now, but I am getting better.) Lots of unrequited love.

The first "girlfriend" I had at college: I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She and her roommate made me this thing they called the "Swoon Fan" to hold back all the girls who would "swoon" at me because of my guitar playing. (I am guessing that "swoon" is a Southern word.) We didn't date long, but the fun memories are still there and the fan is in a box of mementos in my closet. (When she reads this she'll probably laugh that I still have it.)

The first woman I experience "Love at First Sight" with: I didn't know what that feeling was then, I just knew that she was someone that I had to have in my life. Again, things never really worked out. We both always seemed to be going in two different directions. That and I again was not totally comfortable talking with women about I how felt about them. So more unrequited love. I have the books she gave me on my bookcase still. And a daily habit of looking to the sky, in the direction where she lives, and saying a prayer that God sends her some angels to look after her.

(It always ask for at least 2 or more angels. You can never have too many angels looking after you. My sister is in Iraq right now. God must be tired of my requests for batallion after batallion of angels to keep her safe. I know it is more paperwork for the Big Guy, but my sister is worth it.)

The first girl I wrote a song with: I also fell head over heels for her too. Damn, she was beautiful and boy, could she sing! But she was dating an asshole baseball player and transferred to another school. We kept in touch via letters and phone calls and she said, "Spider, I Love You!!" But again, it never worked out. More unrequited love. (Sensing a pattern in my life, aren't we? Perhaps a pattern I need to change!?!) With her, I still have the song we wrote together and recorded in my bathroom. My composition professor says I need to market that song because it would be a hit. Who am I to argue with a man who won a Grammy?

My first long term relationship: Well, this one recently ended. 5 years we were together. Lots of shared memories, both good and painful. One gift of hers that I still keep out sits on my dresser right now. It is a heart shaped box on which she attached two dolphins (my spirit animal). Inside are 101 heart shaped pieces of paper with "I Love You" written in 101 different languages. Pretty romantic, eh? I keep this, even with all the painful memories of the relationship, to remember the good times we had. That and because you never know when you may need to say "I Love You" in Flemish, Navajo, and Klingon! (She was a geek like me)

I guess I keep all these to remind me of the myriad forms in which love appears. And to remind me that love will appear again. When that "love at first sight" thing happens again, I'll recognize it now for what it is and not let that person slip through my fingers. Or perhaps, it will be "love at second sight." I am not worred about it at the moment.

I'm just glad to have the Garfield mug back in my life after years of thinking it was lost. Somehow drinking tea of of that mug means more than any other mug I own.


Saturday, February 05, 2005

Quiet Night at the New "Home"

I've been sleeping at my new apartment for a week now. Tonight is the first night, though, that I've had the chance to spend significant time here alone. The date I thought I had tonight flaked out on me, but hey, such are women. She'll probably apologize and give some bullshit reason, blah, blah, blah. The truth is that she just flaked. Guys don't do that to other guys, even straight me. A man makes a time and place to do something with another man, said meeting happens no matter what. Only something really serious like a pitbull ripping of your calf muscle is an acceptable excuse.

But I digress. The point I am writing about isn't the woman. (Had we gotten together, boy would she have something to write about in her blog!) On one level I am actually glad that we didn't get together tonight because it allowed me to get unpacked, settled and clean the kitchen. (There is still more cleaning to be done. Grrr!!)

I still have a number of boxes to go through, but I don't feel like I am in transit any more. Perhaps that is because I made the last move of stuff from the old apartment today. Sure my bike and summer clothes are still in the garage still, but everything is out of the apartment proper. I feel freed and on a path to new life. I am sure my ex-girlfriend feels the same way. (Woo-hoo! Jim's gone!!)

So I am lying on my bed with vanilla scented candles giving off a soothing aroma. I have a mug herbal tea next to me. I took some time earlier tonight to play Celtic guitar tunes. My room is warm, dry and fairly quiet. I feel safe and in a good place. For all those things, I am thankful.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Revolution Calling!!

Last night I went to see one of my favorite bands, Queensryche, perform at the Beacon Theater. To those unfamiliar with their work, you may remember that they had a hit song in the early 90’s called “Silent Lucidity.” What made last night’s performance so amazing was that they performed their 1988 critically acclaimed concept album, OPERATION MINDCRIME, in its entirety. This is something they hadn’t done since their Empire tour in 1991 or 1992.

Also, significant was that they finally revealed how the character, “Mary” died. This was a mystery all these years. There are numerous websites, if you do a Google search, where fans try to find the meaning of the story and figure out who killed Mary. Was it Nicky? Was it Dr. X?

Needless to say, it was a kick-ass show! Loved it. What makes Operation Mindcrime still significant today is that its themes of corporate controlled government, media controlled law, the blurred lines between sex and religion and the fact that our leaders, both religious and political are corrupt are just as relevant today as they were during the Reagan/Bush era when it was first released.

“Religion and Sex are power plays,
Manipulate the people for the money they pay,
Selling Skin, Selling God,
The numbers look the same on your credit card.”

Here is a passage from the song “Speak”:

“Seven years of power,
The Corporations Claw
The rich control, the media the law
To make some kind of difference
Then Everyone Must Know
Eradicate the Fascists, Revolution Will Grow

The system we learn says we’re Equal Under Law
But the streets are reality, the weak and poor will fall
Let’s tip the power balance and tear down the crown
Educate the masses, we’ll burn the White House down. . .

Speak the Word. . . .(Revolution!)”


Ladies and Gentleman, fascism is alive and well today in America! And no, I am not some conspiracy theorist.

Taking from Wikipedia.com: The word fascism has come to mean any system of government resembling Mussolini's, that
· exalts nation and sometimes race above the individual,
· uses violence and modern techniques of propaganda and censorship to forcibly suppress political opposition,
· engages in severe economic and social regimentation.
· engages in corporatism. (http://www.britannica.com/eb/article?tocId=219369)


Hmm, sounds a lot like the Bush Administration, especially the “censorship to forcibly suppress political opposition.” (umm, having people forcibly thrown out of campain stops for wearing dissention shirts.) and “engages in corporatism.” Why else would he talk about the random “abestos lawsuits” that are damaging the economy during the State of the Union Address?!! What economist believes that crap!?! What is damaging the economy is a never ending war that is costing the U.S. more that 3 times what was promised! Heck, it was said that this war would pay for itself. (Oh, and the Bush Adminstration doesn’t need to do propaganda, that is what Fox News is for.)

Could it be that he mentioned that because Dick Cheney’s company Halliburton, through its subsidary KBR, just paid out billions in abestos related lawsuits? Doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see the connection. And you know what, people with incurable mesophelioma, a particular nasty form of lung cancer which is caused by abestos exposure, rightfully deserve what ever money they can get from they companies they worked for to pay for medical costs. Serves the company right for not properly protecting their employees in the first place! And it isn’t a “frivolous lawsuits” that is gumming up the system or causing medical costs to skyrocket. 4/5 of lawsuits brought forward in this country are by coporations and companies not ordinary people seeking damages.

Not to sound pessimistic folks, but America is going to go downhill fast and quick in the next four years. On one level, I am glad about it. The economy is going to crash so bad with the next four years it will make the Depression look like child’s play. (This has been predicted by a number of conservative economists, must notably Pete Peterson. Do an Amazon search on his name and you will see his most recent book where he takes on both Republican and Democrats.) It doesn’t take a math major, like me, to figure out that you can’t sustain an ecomony on a spiralling deficit.

Also, I’d bet money that we are going to see another attack on U.S. soil. We really haven’t done that much to shore up our borders, protect our chemical plants or fully equip our first responders. For all of Bush’s rhetoric in his State of the Union address you can look up the 2006 budget for yourself. There are cuts of up to 40% for funding to first responders like police and fire departments. (It’s no wonder my best friend, a NYC police officer, wears the cheapest bullet-proof vest on the market.)

And when those things happen, there will be nobody for Bush to blame. Because he has already had four years to correct the problem. It will be his adminstrations fault, and theirs alone. Can’t blame the Democrats in government because they are in the minority now. Can’t blame the liberal media, because its all been bought out by corporations who contribute heavily to the Republican machine. Can’t blame Clinton, because he hasn’t been president for the past fours. When the next big explosion happens W., it’s all on you!

Now yes I, am a liberal. This in not just some angry liberal ranting, because there are conservative practices I respect, such as FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY. (Ever wonder why Bush has yet to veto ONE spending bill? Could it be his great skills in fiscal responsibllity?) I am also a pragmatist. I know what works and what doesn’t. And I have common sense, of which Bush appears to have none. But you know what, don’t believe me. Let’s make a bet. If what I predict doesn’t happen, I’ll buy you a round and if it does, its on your bill.

Sorry to go all politcal on this post, but Queensryche got me all riled up.

” I used to think that only America’s Way, Way was right
But now the holy dollar rules everybody’s lives
Gotta make a million, doesn’t matter who dies. . .

Revolution Calling!!

I used to trust the media to tell me the truth,
Tell Us The Truth
But now I’ve seen the payoffs, everywhere I look
Who do you trust when everyone’s a crook

Revolution Calling, Revolution Calling, Revolution Call You!!!!”

This world needs a Revolution NOW!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The Search for Quality Employees

Below is an email I sent to recruiter in my company’s human resource office. We have been having an ongoing discussion about the low level of quality in the cover letters and resumes that we receive. She said they forget the “beauty of pride, proof-reading and spell-check.” I think the problem is more insidious. Some of the people are just ignorant and, unfortunately, a product of American Public schools. Perhaps I am hyper-critical about this because I was an admissions counselor for two years. I easily read over 500 college applications. I read applications from people with a 1.5 G.P.A. to people who had a 4.5. So I feel I have a good reference on how to judge a cover letter and general writing. You'd be amazed at what people write in their college essays!


Two things of note. QSAC stands for “Quality Services for the Autistic Community.” And a “consumer” is an autistic person for whom we provide services. In my particular department, we have 9 houses where older autistic consumers live.

Here is my letter:



Sara,

Stop rationalizing for some of these people. (lol) These are mistakes that spell check aren't going to fix!! Nor any amount of proof-reading on their part. For instance, let’s take a look at this letter,

"My skills, knowledge and background prompted me to apply for a position with you company."

-Really!?! Ok, Sybil, thanks for applying. Reading a classified ad can prompt you to apply. A recommendation from a friend can prompt you to apply? Abstract concepts like skills, knowledge, and background can’t do that! How did that happen? Where you sitting at your kitchen table and did a voice in your head go, "Hey dude, this is your Skills talking. You should apply to QSAC." Then another voice kicks in. This one probably sounds like Patrick Stewart. "Hi, Knowledge here. Just wanted to let you know that I concur with Skills. QSAC needs you! Apply." Then Background kicks in. "Yo, yo, yo, Back-to-the-Ground over heeeare!!! Yo, dog! Youz gotta apply to QSAC!" (Background sounds like that because this guy is from Far Rockaway, Queens)

-The letter goes on, "My ability and knowledge along with my excellent organizational skills make me an outstanding asset to your well-organized company."

-I won't touch on the grammar mistakes or lack of use of commas. However, I will touch on his assumptions. First, how can you be an outstanding asset to our company when you aren't even working here yet? You possibly "will be" an asset in the future, but you can't be an asset to us at this current time because YOU DON'T WORK HERE YET! Quite presumptuous of you there! Perhaps the concept of linear time escapes you.

Secondly, how do you know we are a well-organized company? It may appear that way from the outside and our website, but you can not make that judgment until you see if from the inside.

Thirdly, the assumption you make about your excellent organizational skills and knowledge. If you had both, then you would that you could have organized your resume to one page instead of two and includes the dates of your education!

"I also posses good communication skills with adults and children."

-That is good to know. You can organize a "posse" of people for good communication with adults and children. I didn't know the word "posse" could be used as a verb. Nor did I know that one can create posse of skills. I thought posse only apply a group of people who are usual out to seek some form of street justice much like in the Old West.

"Should you require any additional information, feel free to contact me at the above number."

-Yes, can we have the number of your English teacher so we can get them fired from the college you attended? (Actually, that is the best sentence of the entire letter.)

All said, though, we are bringing this guy in for an interview. He has a good amount of experience and we figure you don't have to have good written English to work with the consumers. I don't think autistic people ask to know if a staff person can draft a letter in proper professional format.


I hope that made you chuckle a bit.


Jim


My Email Addresses

Hi World,

I thought I had it set up where my email address was available, but it wasn't. So I just made that change. Also, if you wish here are my two main email address that you can reach me.


Wbslngr76@yahoo.com

Imajicalmusic@yahoo.com

Hope to hear from you.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Home Improvement

Last night, I attempted to put up a loft in my bedroom. This will free up a lot of space as well as providing the excitement of sleeping six feet off the ground. Here are the results of last nights effort.


LOFT: 1 JIM: 0


Yeah, it kicked my butt. I’ll try again on Sunday.

(Reminder to self: Bob Villa, you are not. Next time write the instructions down.)