The Move

My body aches from making this move. Stress has taken its toll on me this week. I haven’t made it to the gym in 2 weeks and my arms are hurting because I haven’t taken the time to massage them. I can’t wait until I get settled back into a “normal” routine. That will probably happen after I get all my stuff out of my old apartment and start working towards my goals.

Though, this move is part of that. So I need to accept the sore muscles and frustrations as part of the process.

All three of my new roommates are actors. Two of them are gone with touring theatre companies until April. The third roommate is here in NY. He is 22, fresh out of school, and straight. I make that point because one roommate is a lesbian and the other is gay. He says to me, “It is so good to have another straight male in the house. It is so refreshing.” The person I replaced was a straight woman, bur from the accounts I have heard so far, not too fun to live with. We are a diverse household as well. One roommate is 2 black, one white, and I guess I make the token Hispanic. (Well, ½ Hispanic).

So my roommate that here, let’s call him Joey (after the Friend’s character), is basically “young, dumb and full of cum.” A typically horny 22 year old looking for the next acting gig and next party. When I say “dumb” I don’t mean that he is unintelligent. Already, we have had some in depth conversations regarding politics, the arts, and life in NYC. But boy, he has done some stupid things in his life. Recent stuff, too.

Part of me just shakes my head and says, “That boy ain’t right!” I’d like to think that I had my head on more straight at 22 that he does.

I look back at between 22 and 23 and I remember the fun last months of college, graduating, moving to NC on a wing and prayer, and getting a low paying job at Greensboro College’s Financial Aid Office. I spent most of that year soul searching.

I read through every spiritual book I could get my hands on. I read the Bible twice. I was already having problems with organized Christianity during my senior of college. After college, through my academic research, I was really having a crisis of faith.

Perhaps, the “crisis” was there because I was thrust into the “real world” after having the structures of college to define who I am. After 5 years at Greensboro College, I really knew who I was and where I fit in. So rather than just blindly going into the workforce to have a midlife crisis later, I set out to find who I was. And that meant questioning every aspect of my life: my faith in Christianity (which I will touch on in future posts), my friendships, my ideas of love and infatuation, the pain of the problems those ideas caused.

Many weekend nights found me reading, searching or playing guitar rather than out partying. Also, in part because I was living on a tight budget that couldn’t afford many a night out But a large part because of the driving thirst to know who I was outside of the boundaries of college, family and religion.

I don’t know if everyone who lives on their own goes through similar thoughts. I have friends who moved back in with Mom and Dad after college. I have a friend who lived with his parents, got married at 24 and then lived in an apartment in the basement of said parents house with his wife until getting his own house two years ago. (He is going on 30 now.) Did those friends go through the same soul searching I did? Or is it just postponed until later in life because the structure of family is always there?

Does everyone go through this? Or are there people who really live unexamined lives for their entire time on this planet? (That would explain the Bush Administration SOOOO well!)

Again, I am thrust to take the time and find out who I am without the structures that were there. For five years I was in a relationship and I could define myself as “boyfriend to my girlfriend.” Now I am single and have to redefine myself. Not that this is bad, just something new. . . and exciting.

Home Revisited

So I have a few more thoughts about the concept of “Home” after a friend made a comment to my last post. I think that I was on the right track on a couple of the ideas. My friend said, “You were on definitely on the right track when you started talking about love. . . .Once you’re there, you know it. And I think home is this combination of all these things you mention. . . Home just is. .” You can click on the comment link for that post to read the entire comment.

This got me thinking, and I know you can smell the smoke so no jokes. Perhaps Home is a state of mind, not a place, person or reason, much like Happiness. Home is a choice. My friend wrote that “As someone that have lived everywhere, I’ve come to realize that home is an emotion.” I think that is close, but not complete. I really think Home is a state of mind. Here is a similar example.

Anthony Robbins (That success guru on t.v. with the big smile.) was wondering why he hadn’t achieved Happiness. As if Happiness is a goal. He had a major life shift when he decided that rather than achieving Happiness, what would happen if he happily achieved? His happiness quotient, if there is such a term, increased exponentially. Happiness is a choice, a state of being, not something that is a goal. (A great book I recommend on this is "Happiness is Free, and Easier Than You Think" by Hale Dwoskin.) What if Home operated the sameway?

What if I came from a place of being that said, “Wherever I am, that is Home?” What if I decided to live with the mindset that said, “The Earth is my Home and Humanity is my family.”? I bet that would change my perceptions radically. (I’d be screwed though if I ever went to Mars.) I wish more Americans had that attitude instead of this “My Country Right or Wrong” attitude. Maybe we wouldn’t bomb so many countries and would push our companies to ensure better human rights conditions around the world. (I bet America wouldn’t be the fat ass consumers of everything is we had that attitude.)

So when my friend writes “I hope you find Home one day. I just wish you it had been with those of us in New York. When you leave, we will miss you.” , what if I am already Home? And that when I leave New York, it won’t make a difference because there is “No Such Thing as Far Away!” I may leave NYC, but I haven’t left you. And that if my friend and I really wanted it to be, and worked at it, we will always be “Home” for each other. I know that sounds like a “with whom”, but it really is more that state of being feeling.

Hmm, “much to grok. Waiting is fullness.” (5 geek points if you know where that comes from!) I am sure that I will revisit this topic again in the coming months.

"Where Is My Home. . . "

The title for this post comes from the chorus of a song by Midnight Oil. I can't remember the rest of the words, nor can I look them up as the cd is packed away in boxes awaiting the move to the new apartment. I was talking with close friend last night, relating the stress of the move and starting over, the awkwardness between my former girlfriend and I, and the stress of dealing with 14 to 16 inches of SNOW!!! I tell you, a blizzard is now way to endear me to New York living.

So she says to me, "You just need to come home, Spider!"

Now on one level I know that she means North Carolina. But another could be that she just misses me. She did say for a close friends as we are, that we don't get to spend enough time together. That got me thinking.

What is "Home"?

It is an abstract concept. George Carlin used to say, "Don't call them "homeless!" Home is an abstract concept that can be anywhere. Call them what they are, "houseless!"

Is "home" a "where", a place? Does it have to be tied to a geographic location? I mean, I know that "New York's not my home." (Thank you, Jim Croce!) But right now, North Carolina isn't calling me that hard. There are some people there, like the above mentioned friend, two of my best buddies and my sister, who are telling me to move there. But will that be the next step for my career? One of the reasons I left Greensboro was to seek a different music scene. That is not to say that Charlotte, Raliegh or Asheville could offer something different, but I am not so quick to jump. Also, many musicians talk about the road being home. Like them Rom, never tied to one place, but never not at home.

Is "home" a "how?" Do you have to be doing something for it to be home? If you go to a job that you hate everyday, does it have that "homey" feeling? Do you need to have to feel that your career is moving in a certain direction to make a city feel like home?

Is "home" then a "when?" Does someplace become home after awhile or does it have to have that feeling from the start? You know, you walk into that apartment or house and say, "Yes, this is where I will live. It just feels right." (I have had that with a couple of guitars, from the minute I picked it up, I know that it was just right. Gosh, I sound Goldilocks there.) Or does a place become home over time as you make friends and connections. As you fix up the house the way you like it? Can you spend a significant amount of time in a house and have it never feel like home? (I know the answer to that one is yes.)

Is "home" then a "with whom?" To some, I guess, that it doesn't matter where they are so long as they are with certain people, they are home. Family ties and all that. Have you ever embraced someone, held one another in each other's arms, and felt at home? That has only happened a handful of times for me. Doesn't it feel great!?!

But at the same time, I also believe that "there is no such thing as far away." Perhaps I am too much a Richard Bach fan, but the ones you love are always with you. To think that love is limited by such boundaries as distance is to put infinity in a box.

Maybe "home" is a why? "I feel at home because. . . " The feeling of home is justified by the reason given. It could be the person, the place, or it could be the purpose. By purpose I mean a cause or mission. Mother Theresa wasn't from India or among the poor that she ministered to, but she made that her home. Maybe that is an unfair example because how many of us can live up to her example, but hey, it was the first one that came to mind. So is home where where we make it to be. We create our home, we manifest it to being.

Perhaps then, "home" is a combination of of those reasons. It can be a where, but doesn't have to be when combined with a "with whom." Or it can be a why and how, such as a musician on the road, and not tied to a place. Could I be so lucky, so blessed to maybe find a "home" that is a combination of all those reasons? I hope and pray so.

So I am back at the title of this post. "Where is My Home?" I am no closer to the answer, but I guess that part of this journey is to manifest it.

Namaste

The Heart of the Matter

I must conquer my loneliness
alone.

I must be happy with myself
or I have
nothing
to offer

Two halves have
little choice
but to join,
and yes,
they do
make a
whole

But two
wholes,
when they coincide. . .

that is
beauty.

That is
love.

By Peter McWilliams

This weekend I have been packing to move to my new apartment. I have more books and cd's and junk than I thought I did. I found some old cards and emails that my former girlfriend had given me and it stirred up old memories. All bittersweet because of how we had changed.

I keep trying not to drive myself mad by questioning if our love was ever real. I think of the song "Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley. My mom gave that to my dad when they separated. The key line in the song, I think, is "but I think it's about Forgiveness, Forgiveness, even if, even if you don't love me anymore." Forgiving her, forgiving us so I can move on.

Another line in the song that resonates with me is, "All the things I once knew, I'm learning again." Learning how to love myself, live by myself, learning about life and love once more. So that way I will be a whole again. And when I coincide with another whole . . .well, that will be beautiful.

A New Home

I received great news yesterday. I got accepted into one of the apartments I looked at this weekend. It is here in Astoria, somewhat near my job, and I didn’t need to sign a lease. Actually, it is a great deal. A huge room, access to a nice kitchen and bathroom, a living room for $525, utilities included. As if that wasn’t enough, free use of the washer and dryer in the house. I am going to save at least $20 and at least 5-6 hours a month with that alone.

Now I know some of you readers who are not in NYC can’t believe that I am paying that amount just for a room because that is what you pay for an apartment. But let me tell you, that is a steal up here. One bedroom apartments in Astoria start at $900. (This is not counting, of course, public housing, aka The Projects.)

It feels good to know that I have some place to go come Feb. 1. Things are getting strained between my former girlfriend and I. And I know that it is probably mostly my part. We need the time apart if we are going to salvage a friendship. And it feels good to know that I will be living with some cool roommates.

As soon as I get the zip code, I will email out my new address to everyone I can. If you don't get it, shoot me an email and I will send it to you.

My renaissance is just beginning.

Inspirations

Just wanted to write post about my inspirations for this blog. The thought of keeping an online journal came to me in mid-November as things really started breaking down between my Former and I. I wanted to keep track of my thoughts and then put them out for the world to see. I figured I could get some reassurance on some points and on others have it pointed out to me how much of an asshole I had been. Either way, I wanted to expose myself, become naked, and explore the places inside of me, both dark and light. There were two main inspirations for this adventure.

The first were the semi-weekly writings called, "Notes of a Dirty Young Man" by Jaysen Buterin. Jaysen was the drummer for my band Nandina back in Greensboro, NC. Do a Google search on his name or the name of his writings and I am sure you will find some of his work.

Now let me describe Jaysen. He originally had long straight hair, almost down to his butt, an long van dyke and looked like Jesus. Well, like Jesus would have looked like if he was white. When I first met him, he had a number of tattoos. I think fourteen. The last I heard was that he now had over twenty-four. Last I saw him, he had cut his hair short and dyed it blue. He is a rocker, a music journalist, a comic-book fan, definitely outside of the mainstream. . .and a man of pure genius.

Last I heard from him, he was finishing up his Masters of Literature from UNCG. Every article he wrote forced me to a find a dictionary because he used words that I had never see before in my life. Thanks to Jaysen, I now know what "diaphanous" and "hypnogogic" mean and can use them in conversation. I remember one time I was over his apartment and he had this huge tome on his coffee table. It was The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer, in the original Old English. I asked him, "Jaysen, out of the 15,000 people at UNCG, students and professors, how many can read this, including you?"

Jaysen stood there for a moment counting in his head and replied, "Four." Like I said, a man of genius.

So, while I will never have the plethora of polysyllabic words in my vocabulary that Jaysen uses so freely, or the pithy and sardonic wit that he has, or even make as many pop-culture references as he does, he still remains one of my main inspirations for this endeavor. For that I thank him deeply.

The second big inspiration for this blog comes from an online journal of this woman who lives here in NYC. She is a bass player and I answered her musicians’ ad one day. She was seeking a guitarist to start a band. We talked on the phone, seemed to click, but could never work it out to get together. That is alright because in the long run, I don’t think we would have worked out. So she has me go to her site to listen to some of her music and read her online journal (http://www.theprincessdrea.com/). Now, before you click to visit, let me warn you that there is nudity there. More specifically, she herself gets naked.

Now this is New York, and nothing surprises me anymore. But I was a little surprised at this. Now her naked photos of herself, nor the clips of her singing and playing guitar naked, really aren’t erotic. Nor are her journal entries erotica. The site is in essence a soul totally exposing herself to the world and explore all the places inside her, both the dark and the light. She writes about giving up her vices. She writes about her relationships. She writes about what makes her happy and in the same breath explores her insecurities. No area of her life is free from exploration.

For some odd reason, I find I have a lot of respect for her. Now I know you are saying, "C’mon Spider, you just like the site because you see her boobies!" But that is not it, because there are plenty of sites out there where I can see women with better boobies than she has. I know, I have them bookmarked on my computer. I guess it is because I see in her a courage so strong to do what she does. How many of you are so willing to bare so much of yourself to the world? (Some of you really do not need to follow her example because I don’t want to see you naked!!) How many of your are willing to be so honest with yourselves and the world? If I could be half as brave as her, I think I would have accomplished a lot.

Finally, there is one more person who inspired this. My friend Beth from college. I recently caught up with her on Instant Messenger and saw, in her Buddy Info, her blog address (http://flora132.blogspot.com). I visited and saw that I could this for free, that it was easy, and here we are. So yes, in a way I am just copying Beth. But then again, that isn’t a bad thing because Beth is an amazing person. And if someone said that I was like her, in any small fashion, I would take that as a compliment.

"Come Talk to Me"

Yesterday, I got into an argument with my now ex-girlfriend. I am still getting used to saying that. I really don’t want to say it because "ex" has such a negative connotation. It was suggest to me by a new friend to say "former", "previous" or "last." Whatever word I decide upon, the argument was over something silly.

She had a date last night and I felt that she was jumping back into the game a little soon after we broke up. I thought we had an understanding that neither we start something new until I moved out. I guess she felt that had been unhappy for long enough and wanted to be in the game. Just wasn’t going to tell me. Regardless of the miscommunication, as written in Love is Letting Go of Fear, "you are never upset for the reason you think ." When I stood back at looked at the situation differently, I realized I had nothing to be upset about. (Another one line wisdom that that applies here, which I will discuss a lot in future entries, comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look change.")

Sad as it was, it wasn’t my problem anymore. I looked back in past journals that I kept and saw that we had problems over and over. I saw that friends and family were telling me to leave over and over. I saw that she and I were not going to work from the beginning, that she didn’t believe the same things about love and life that I did. Never did and maybe never will. We were both kidding ourselves for five years. I should let her go and find her happiness in whatever fashion, regardless of whether I think it is misguided.

So I think I was more upset with myself. Upset that I let my life get to where I was. For no matter how much I say that she did this or its because she believes this, I still chose to be with her. Even with all the red flags (Ok, they weren’t red flags, they were people waving big, fucking banners.) it was I who made the choice to be with her. It was my choices that put me where I was. And that since we broke up, she was no longer my problem. Let her do what she wants to do because you know what Jim, "You never were going to be able to make her happy. She is never going to have even remotely similar beliefs about love and how it works as you are, even after all the great books by the masters you have shared. You were just too different on the things that were important. Stop trying to fit a square where a circle should be and LET IT GO."

After a good cry, I did. I was tired, worn out. And really wasn’t looking forward to going back on the internet to continue my apartment search. Perhaps what I was really upset with was how I turned my back on my values for so long because of choosing this relationship. Perhaps what I was really upset with was that I was really alone in this city of 14+ million people. So while looking for apartments on Craigslist.org I decided to check out the friends section. I had met other musicians there. My "former" girlfriend and I met a fellow "geek couple" on the site and we had been friends for over a year now.

So I do a search on the words "guitar" and "friend" and a couple of ads come up. I wasn’t ready to put up my own ad and admit I had sunk so low. But I am just kidding myself there as I was looking. I saw this ad, and for some reason I felt a click. Here was another soul crying out to this lonely city, "Talk to Me, Won’t you please talk to me, We can unlock this misery, Come on, Come talk to me." (Thank you Peter Gabriel) Anyway, here was the ad.


Hi, I am looking for someone new to pass the time with. I am just looking for a friend, nothing romantic whatsoever, don’t mean to be harsh sounding. Anyway, i prefer someone that is into rock music, nothing crazy, just someone that considers guitar music as "real music". The reason I’m placing this ad is that i recently got rid of my car and so its hard to visit my other friends. Plus, id like to meet someone new. Im not picky, you could be a happy person, depressed, has problems in your life (who doesn’t?), just someone else who needs a friend. You could be female or male, it does not matter, but if you are male ( i generally get a long with male friends better), i want to emphasize again...that this is not a personal.


So I emailed her. Like her, I am not looking for something romantic. I just wanted to talk with some one male or female. Some human connection. I felt that even if we just talked once and made a connection, I could renew my faith. To my surprise she called me. We talked for almost two hours on phone. Then we decided to meet in person. We got some coffee and ended up talking to 2 in the morning. We had stuff in common, we had a lot of stuff that was different. But that didn't matter. For those hours, we saw that we weren't crazy; we weren't alone in feeling some of the things that we did. For that time, there was someone who listened to what I was saying and not making a judgement. It was almost a throw back to college when you find a new friend at the student center or at the dorm and end up talking to the sun comes up. It felt like the line from "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls:

"I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life,
Maybe give me insight between black and white.
And the best thing you've ever done for me,
Is help me take my life less seriously
It is only life afterall."

I came home tired, wanting to write about my day. But sleep overtook me. I awoke to find an email in my mailbox thanking me for last night and a promise for future conversations. So I made one new friend and that feels good. And tomorrow, I will make another new friend. And the day after that, another. And perhaps I'll see that this city, this country, this world isn't as cold as it feels. And perhaps, more sooner than later, I will return to the place of love from which I lived my life.

And You Are. . . ?

It is a cold and rainy day here in NYC, painfully cold. A day that makes all this apartment searching all the more tedious. Who wants to walk 10+blocks in the rain?

I visited three apartments last night trying to find the right roommate situation. I feel like I am going on interviews, however, with sucky questions. You would think that if one were interviewing someone to live with them that they would come up with more creative questions than, "Where do you work? Are you neat? What hours do you keep?"

While these are all valid questions, they do not touch at the soul of one’s being. You are not going to learn much from them. Perhaps it comes from the two years that I spent as an admissions counselor interviewing hundreds of students. I would ask questions that would cause the student to think and to reveal themselves.

A simple question would be, "What was the last great book you read? What made it so meaningful to you?" It was fun to see the jocks try to answer this one, especially the football players. So many of them weren’t readers.

Here is one that I particularly liked, "If they were to make a movie of about your life, what actor would play you? Your parents? What genre of movie would it be?" I personally dream of Kevin Smith or Joss Whedon writing and directing a movie of my life. However, there isn’t enough in my life to make a comedy or a witty sci-fi or horror movie. Well, perhaps my disappointing sex life in college. That was definitely comedic. "Look at Spider crash and burn with another girl. . . Holy Shit! There goes a vampire!" It could work as a movie.

So here is my list of questions I would ask a potential roommate.

- Do you snore? If so, would we be able to hear it through your door?

-What is your primary source of news? (If they answer The New York Post, end interview right there.)

-Is your psycho boyfriend/girlfriend planning on spending an inordinate amount of time here? If so, and they piss me off, know that I will videotape you two having sex and make a profit with the tape on the internet.

-Toilet Paper? Over the top or from the bottom?

-After you Hiroshima the bathroom, what do you normally do?
a. Nothing
b. Announce to everyone to not go in for 15-20 minutes
c. Not worry because you lit a candle before hand, like you always do.
d. Blame it on the dog.

-We’re watching the game on Sunday, and you produce an SBD that could end a marriage. What do you do?
a. Nothing
b. Announce to everyone to hold their breath for 15-20 minutes
c. Candle is already lit, no worries.
d. Blame it on the dog.

-How annoying is your Mom? Just want to be forewarned for when she calls
visits.

-If the sky were to be another color other than sky blue, what would you make it?

-What song by Journey would you cover? (Sorry, that’s for the interview for
band mates. Shout out to Jaysen!)

-Favorite Band

-Top 5 Albums

-Favorite Disney or Warner Bros. Character

-What are your thoughts about Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reily, and Sean Hannity? (Anything other than, "Ann Coulter is the Whore of Babylon and Bill O’Reily and Sean Hannity are the worst things to come out of Long Island since Joey Buttofuco!" will result in the end of the interview.)

-Letterman or Leno?

-Coffee: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts

-What is the meaning of life? (Ok, I don’t know about that one. I was just imitating Robert Fulghum there.)

See there is almost and infinite amount of questions one can ask. Be creative. Be odd. Find out what makes a person tick. You’re going to be living with them. Wouldn’t you want to know more than just their job, hours, and level of neatness?

Hopefully, my interview process will end soon and I can find a new place to live. Maybe I’ll get some interesting questions.

You Can Go Your Own Way.

Ok, I guess I should have put this warning in my first blog post. This will not be a PG blog. Nor will it be a PG-13 blog. Life is rated R. I am sorry if things I write may offend you, but life is offensive. Get over it. If you are one of my younger friends or relatives, make sure you get your parents’ permission first.

Who am I kidding? This is the internet, were freedom reigns. For now. If you are underage, read away! You just may find that growing up ain’t all that it is cracked up to be.

Anyway, I am going to let today be thoughts about my break up with my girlfriend since it was a week ago today that we decided to split. 5 years, 3months is a sizeable chunk of one’s life to give to another human being. There had been some arguments the past two years, but as we talked last week we realized we were going to two very directions as well as having some very different core values. The difference in these core values caused us to have fights four years ago. But we were both hopeful things can changes, or just too stubborn to acknowledge them. The fear of being alone is a powerful force.


However, loneliness is something that I used to never feel. I felt connected to everyone, to the world, to God. . .to my girlfriend. But then we progressed to a point where I felt lonely all the time, even with her sleeping right next to me. That is a horrible feeling. Knowing that you love the person, but cannot feel a connection, knowing that there is a chasm between you and really not a chance of building a bridge across. I am sure that she felt the same way.


In talking we saw that to be true to ourselves we needed to honor our individual values and split. Because I wasn’t happy trying to live her values, nor was she trying to live mine. And that wasn’t going to change no matter how much we hoped. Better to leave as friends that to be enemies as lovers.


Am I angry at her? No. Is there resentment? No. Maybe a little regret that we didn’t split four years ago, but I can’t live like that. There has been a lot of good from the relationship. I learned a lot about life, about myself and about the insanities of women. Yes, to all my women readers, you are insane!! Fuck being from Venus! All y’all are from somewhere way outside the Solar System!


So now I need to take time for me. I need to find a place to live here in NYC while I figure out where in this big world I want to move to next. I need to practice my fingers off and get my music composing back into form. And I need to reconnect with those core values I held for so long that I temporarily forgot. Values that I know are good and will draw me to success. Values that I know attracted so many positive people into my life. Perhaps I’ll discuss these values in tomorrow’s entry.

Goodbye for now from the Big City. Tomorrow will be another day.

New Year, New Beginnings

This is just the first of what will probably become a many time aweek postings. It is a new year, time for a new Jim to emerge. Just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years, 4 months. Just left my last band. Got a new job, but I know it is not the career I want. I am not living in the city I want to live in, but I don't know where to go just yet. Time to seek out my destiny.

So this blog will be an exploration of sorts. I am on a quest to rediscover who I am, find my Path, find my soulmate, and to be happy. I am not sure where this will take me, but I am excited for the journey.

If you are reading this, thanks. Feel free to comment on what I have written. I am not looking for arguments, I really don't have time for those. Nor do I wish to not feel good. Rather, I'd appreciate insights, wisdoms and words of encouragement more. To those who have walked their Path, I will eagerly listen to your thoughts and lessons learned. (Also, know that if I ever write about personal situations, names will be changed for their privacy.)

As I said, this is just a start. More to come. . . . .