Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Minor Observation

I went to a local open mic night last night with a friend to relax and hear some local music. As usual, some really great music....and some really bad music. But it's all in good fun.

But that's not the point. The point is that my friend buys me a beer, and knowing that I should have said Guinness I instead said, "I'll have what your having."

He gives me a Heinken bottle.

Never one to turn down free beer I say thank you, do the ritual "First One Today!" toast, and glady drink my beer. (There's a whole story to that toast which will be fodder for a future post when their site comes back online.) Which in turn leads me to the following conclusion.

Heineken beer tastes like ass!!!

Now, I have to vehemently exclaim that I have NO experience whatsoever with tasting ass (I'm sure my mom really needed to know that) to be able to make a comparison. HOWEVER, I am sure that if I ever tasted ass (which ain't gonna happen!) I would say, "Holy Shit! (Pun very much intended) This tastes like Heineken beer!"

I mean they (Heineken brewers) don't even hide the fact that their beer tastes like ass in it's name. "Heine(y) + ken (kin)" I am sure that wordologists would sure be able to tell that that name means a "heiney's kin" or "a kin to a heiney"

Of course, all this ass-tasting beer is bringing back memories of my high school graduation night where my best friend Steve and I each drank at least 36 ounces of this green bottled libation. Since he had a higher tolerance, he was able to go out on the boardwalk and beach with our friends while I stayed in the car with the spins. You would have thought that I would have learned the lesson to stay away from Heineken then, but really do we ever learn anything at 17.

Should have asked for the Guinness. But then you would never have learned this valuable lesson from my pain.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Imagine This....

As I was looking for my birth certificate last night, I found my only copy of this poem/story/declaration that I wrote when I was 17. I thought I'd share it here so it'd last forever.


Imagine This...
by James O'Gara


Imagine this world was as beautiful,
As that flower about to bloom.
And that statement was true,
"The light and will always shine through."

But I know this world isn't that pretty,
And light and good are just figments,
In a young child's mind, young as a flower,
A flower in the middle of a deep thick forest.

Whose canopy, has for centuries, darkened the forest floor,
So that every little light from the sun reaches it.
There on the forest floor is where you'll find a place,
A place very similar to where my flower grew.

Sure it would have been nice to grow,
In those few well lighted places,
But most of the forest is in darkness,
Where the light and good don't shine through.

So the flower wilted for a time in the shade of the big trees,
Till it saw the other flowers blossoming and said,

"I WANT THAT!"

But deep in its heart of hearts,
It knew that it would never be in the light for a long time.

This made the flower sad and it wilted some more.
It wanted to bloom like the others, but no light shined upon it,
Till it said, "Let me make my own light then!"
So from deep within its roots a changed occurred.

Energy coursed through its petals,
And for the first time it blossomed.
The other flowers stared in awe.
They had never known any other light an good,
Except that which was given to them by the sun.

Now to see such light and good radiate,
From a flower in the darkness amazed them.
What surprised them more was that the flower,
Grew faster than all of them,
Because the light and good care from within.

It was stronger than any light and good that,
Could ever come through the canopy of the threes.
That light and good didn't shine through,
And probably never could have.
That flower had to create its own light and good to survive.

Just like a life that has begun to bloom,
It needs to create its own light and good,
To live, to see, to enjoy beauty.
All the life has to do is remember that light and good
Come within and just Imagine This...

Monday, August 04, 2008

NO! I Don't Want to Date Your Mom!!!

So this morning when I logged into Myspace, and I got one of the oddest emails. Now this isn't the usual spam trying to get me to join some dating site or to try some penile enhancement product. (I swear a spiteful ex has given my email to every spammer of that product!)

Well, before I comment about it, I want you to read it.


Hello there cuddles! Wanna have tons of fun?

If your answer is yes, my mother would like to be your personal playmate, you can reach her at marie_foxter at XXXXX. She's been single for about 24 months now and she wants to meet a funny, romantic guy to date. I'm helping her with online dating because she has no idea how this works. Here's a little about her. She's very pretty and engaging. She likes to be outdoors and practices a few activities like tennis and golf. She also loves to swim and to dance. She keeps an open mind about things, but don..t get her going on the sad state of politics in this country! She likes taking scenic drives or leisurely walks. She loves to work but will not sacrifice that for family time. A memorable first date for her would include doing something like visiting a museum, visiting a gallery, going to a trendy nightclub or even catching an independent movie at an art house.

That's all for me! you won't regret replying to my mom, thanks.



Ok, where do I start with this one.

1. She started off by calling me "cuddles." Serious, do I look like a fucking "cuddles" to you?!

2. You're pimping for your mom!! And on MYSPACE! Am I the only one who finds something slightly wrong with this? You say that she has no idea how it works. Well, goto EHarmony.com, show her how it works and then leave her to it. It worked for me and a buddy of mine.

3. This person gives their age on their page as 22 (or 19 depending where on the page your read.) So that would make her mom, at the youngest (I hope) 36. Maybe even as old as 45. I'm 32. My older woman fantasies include just three women. Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta Jones and Shania Twain.

Catherine Zeta Jones is married to Michael Douglas, so that one ain't happening. Shania Twain recently split with her husband so there is a chance there. And Salma Hayek…well, her lawyers say I need to stop trying to contact their client or else they're going to press charges.

And yes, while I have to accept that as I get older some of the women I may date will have kids, I'm not at that level of acceptance yet. I'm still getting used to my best friend in the world having a 5 year old!

4. Along the lines of the age thing about her mom, the picture of this girl shows that she is hot! So hoping for good genes, I hope her mom is hot. However, this is a problem as I'd be distracted by her. I'm sorry, I'm still a guy, and still young enough that I'd be distracted by a hot 22 year old, or 19 year old (again depending what's right), hanging around.

5. It is obvious from my profile that I'm "In A Relationship" and my fiance is the number one friend in on my page. Not that a relationship stops people from hitting on other people, but you'd think if one was trying to find someone for their mom, who hasn't dated in 24 months (talk about dry spell there), that they would exclude people already in relationships, like me, from their search just to make things easier for their mom to get back in the dating game!!


Again, at least this was something different from the usual spam that I get. So I responded with a polite declination, wished her and her mom luck in their search, and thanked her that she wasn't someone hawking penile enhancement.