"Come Talk to Me"

Yesterday, I got into an argument with my now ex-girlfriend. I am still getting used to saying that. I really don’t want to say it because "ex" has such a negative connotation. It was suggest to me by a new friend to say "former", "previous" or "last." Whatever word I decide upon, the argument was over something silly.

She had a date last night and I felt that she was jumping back into the game a little soon after we broke up. I thought we had an understanding that neither we start something new until I moved out. I guess she felt that had been unhappy for long enough and wanted to be in the game. Just wasn’t going to tell me. Regardless of the miscommunication, as written in Love is Letting Go of Fear, "you are never upset for the reason you think ." When I stood back at looked at the situation differently, I realized I had nothing to be upset about. (Another one line wisdom that that applies here, which I will discuss a lot in future entries, comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look change.")

Sad as it was, it wasn’t my problem anymore. I looked back in past journals that I kept and saw that we had problems over and over. I saw that friends and family were telling me to leave over and over. I saw that she and I were not going to work from the beginning, that she didn’t believe the same things about love and life that I did. Never did and maybe never will. We were both kidding ourselves for five years. I should let her go and find her happiness in whatever fashion, regardless of whether I think it is misguided.

So I think I was more upset with myself. Upset that I let my life get to where I was. For no matter how much I say that she did this or its because she believes this, I still chose to be with her. Even with all the red flags (Ok, they weren’t red flags, they were people waving big, fucking banners.) it was I who made the choice to be with her. It was my choices that put me where I was. And that since we broke up, she was no longer my problem. Let her do what she wants to do because you know what Jim, "You never were going to be able to make her happy. She is never going to have even remotely similar beliefs about love and how it works as you are, even after all the great books by the masters you have shared. You were just too different on the things that were important. Stop trying to fit a square where a circle should be and LET IT GO."

After a good cry, I did. I was tired, worn out. And really wasn’t looking forward to going back on the internet to continue my apartment search. Perhaps what I was really upset with was how I turned my back on my values for so long because of choosing this relationship. Perhaps what I was really upset with was that I was really alone in this city of 14+ million people. So while looking for apartments on Craigslist.org I decided to check out the friends section. I had met other musicians there. My "former" girlfriend and I met a fellow "geek couple" on the site and we had been friends for over a year now.

So I do a search on the words "guitar" and "friend" and a couple of ads come up. I wasn’t ready to put up my own ad and admit I had sunk so low. But I am just kidding myself there as I was looking. I saw this ad, and for some reason I felt a click. Here was another soul crying out to this lonely city, "Talk to Me, Won’t you please talk to me, We can unlock this misery, Come on, Come talk to me." (Thank you Peter Gabriel) Anyway, here was the ad.


Hi, I am looking for someone new to pass the time with. I am just looking for a friend, nothing romantic whatsoever, don’t mean to be harsh sounding. Anyway, i prefer someone that is into rock music, nothing crazy, just someone that considers guitar music as "real music". The reason I’m placing this ad is that i recently got rid of my car and so its hard to visit my other friends. Plus, id like to meet someone new. Im not picky, you could be a happy person, depressed, has problems in your life (who doesn’t?), just someone else who needs a friend. You could be female or male, it does not matter, but if you are male ( i generally get a long with male friends better), i want to emphasize again...that this is not a personal.


So I emailed her. Like her, I am not looking for something romantic. I just wanted to talk with some one male or female. Some human connection. I felt that even if we just talked once and made a connection, I could renew my faith. To my surprise she called me. We talked for almost two hours on phone. Then we decided to meet in person. We got some coffee and ended up talking to 2 in the morning. We had stuff in common, we had a lot of stuff that was different. But that didn't matter. For those hours, we saw that we weren't crazy; we weren't alone in feeling some of the things that we did. For that time, there was someone who listened to what I was saying and not making a judgement. It was almost a throw back to college when you find a new friend at the student center or at the dorm and end up talking to the sun comes up. It felt like the line from "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls:

"I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life,
Maybe give me insight between black and white.
And the best thing you've ever done for me,
Is help me take my life less seriously
It is only life afterall."

I came home tired, wanting to write about my day. But sleep overtook me. I awoke to find an email in my mailbox thanking me for last night and a promise for future conversations. So I made one new friend and that feels good. And tomorrow, I will make another new friend. And the day after that, another. And perhaps I'll see that this city, this country, this world isn't as cold as it feels. And perhaps, more sooner than later, I will return to the place of love from which I lived my life.