Post Valentine's Day Thoughts

I apologize in advance for the long post. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Monday, was the first Valentine’s since 2000 that I spent alone. It really didn’t bother me as I had spent the previous 23 Valentine’s Days single. I hate the commercialism that surrounds the holiday, as with all the others. But with this one, I hate all the focus that is placed on romantic love and finding happiness in another person. Both are cruel myths perpetrated by our society that, I feel, leave so many people unfilled and looking for happiness in the wrong place.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that “I Don’t Believe in Love.” I do. Love is the creative force of the Universe. Is it not said in the Gospel of John, “God is Love.”?(In my opinion, that is one of the five most important verses in the New Testament. I’ll reference two more in this post.) I truly believe in the healing power of, the conquering strength of, and the enduring perseverance of love. However, romantic love is an evolutionary chemical reaction to ensure we breed. That is why is usually only lasts for two years.

You see, beyond that chemical attraction love has to be a choice. When the fire fades and reality sets in, you need to know how to love the person you have chosen in a way that they feel loved, even if that form is in a way that is not natural for you. What they hell am I talking about? In the book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman suggests that there are five love languages in which a person feels love. And we more often than not give love in the primary language that we feel loved. Quite often this is a different language then the primary language of the person we are trying to love. So loving someone so they feel loved is a choice, it isn’t automatic. It doesn’t happen by Cupid’s Arrow. And it is the love that is a choice, a daily practice, that endures. Not this crap they sell on TV.

I am not trying to be a cynic, but listen to all the crap they tell you about love. That if you are single, there has to be something wrong with you, especially if you are above a certain age. Sleeping Beauty has be saved by her Prince Charming. “Someday My Prince Will Come” or “Stormy Weather, since my gal and I ain’t together/Keeps raining all the time. . . “ George Lucas one advised Steven Speilberg, “If a man and woman walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand in the last reel, it adds $10 million to the box office.” Thanks George, no wonder why Attack of the Clones sucked ass!

My favorite line of crap is the quote, “We are all angels with one wing, and we only truly learn to fly when we are with another.” I may have misquoted, and unlike my usual modus operandi I can’t find the author, but the spirit is still there. Can you see how flawed this quote is? Some many people use it in such a romantic fashion , but it is inherently lacking. How? Well, what if some people’s wing stops working for some reason? How can the other person, with only one wing flapping, hold up both of them?

I am going to submit something radical. How about we are ALL ANGELS, with two functional wings? This is really radical. Surely you have seen the bumper sticker that says, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” (Thanks Wayne Dyer!) Doesn’t this sound healthier? Doesn’t this sound more empowering? So that when one of one’s wings get sick, their beloved’s two wings are strong and help them until they are well again.

But we aren’t taught how to fly with both wings. Well at least most of us aren’t . Our parents were operating under the old paradigm. They didn’t know that they, and we, have two wings instead of one. So they teach us to only fly with one wing. Society has no interest in people learning to fly with both wings. Who else would they sell their wares that prey on people’s insecurities? And religion? They have no interest in helping people fly with both their wings, even if their founders told them how. Why? Because how could the clergy on high stay in power if their congregations suddenly grew wing and flew away?

So what am I hinting at? Basically I am talking about the source of happiness. Where does one find it? Is it found it acquiring things? Will roses, chocolate-filled heart boxes, and diamonds given to another give you that happiness? It might get you laid. But will it bring joy, peace, happiness, bliss? Will you find happiness in Madison Avenue or TV’s portrayal of what we’re supposed to get out of life? The new dress the new car, the house, the job, the 2.5 kids? What about religion? Have you been praying to some distant deity above the clouds yet still wondering why you feel like a worthless sinner? Sure religion will give you rigid order to structure your life, but I’d bet you’d be hard pressed to find true happiness there.

So where is it? How do we get our wings? Funny, God hide it in the last place on Earth we’d look. “The Kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:21) And there was another clue given to finding said happiness, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.” Heaven, happiness, bliss, joy, peace and yes, LOVE is inside of you. And it isn’t just in Christian scriptures that you will find comments like this. They appear in just about every spiritual tradition.

And not to get all preachy, let me quote just one more passage:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your hear and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40)

So loving God along with loving each other as we love ourselves is the key. Where is God to be found? In all of us. That is so important, I think I will say that again really loud. GOD IS FOUND IN ALL OF US. And loving your neighbor as yourself doesn’t just mean to love your neighbor. Jesus is also telling us not to love any other human more than ourselves. Surprisingly clear, as with Luke 17:21, but often misunderstood. You have to love, truly love, yourself first, then you will be able to love your neighbor.

I have kind of gotten of the track here. Valentine’s Day. Commercial crap fed down our throats. Right. How are we supposed to be able to love someone, if we don’t know how to love ourselves. How can we learn another’s love language if we don’t even know our own.? It is like the woman who always thinks she’s fat even though she is in the best shape of her life. Will she ever truly believe her lover’s words of affection and adoration until she learns to love herself and see herself as whole at any weight? Would we have any negative self-directed thought if we truly lived as if we knew the Kingdom of God was within us? Or the man who seeks to end his loneliness by entering into one relationship after another thinking that the next woman will provide him with that something missing in his life, but ends up feeling alone all the time even in a lover’s arms. Won’t he always feel alone until he learns to truly love, without judgement, the one who is with him all the time? And isn’t the man who achieves that never alone?

This sort of relates to the poem I quoted in one of my first posts. It talks about that “two halves have little choice but to join and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes, when they coincide. . .that is beauty. That is love.” Angel with two wings, baby! When two angels like that fly together, watch out!!

So this Valentine’s Day I sat the whole game out. Let Hallmark and the rose industry make their millions. I came home and worked out. Got to get my wings back in shape. I have some flying to do. Flying high, flying far, flying fast. That is what life is about. I have to catch up with Jonathan (if you are a book geek, then you’ll get that reference.) And I will find another angel, with two functional wings, at some point to fly with. Not worried about it right now. She’ll appear when the time is right. And she’ll know that her happiness is not to be found in me. It’s in her as mine is in me. We just decided to share the flight together.

End note: I did give the card industry business this year. Lesson hard learned in life. “Keep the women in your life happy and things will run smoothly.” Comes from growing up in a family dominated by women. I sent out four cards.

One to my Mom. I found an awesome card that spoke of the amazing love she has for me and of my thankful for all that she is in my life. Not just the obvious birth, but I wouldn’t be here still on this Earth without the strength of her love.

One to my sister, Katie. She needed a Valentine this year that wasn’t going to break her heart or stab her in the back. What better person that job than her brother! I sent a V-Day email to my sister Kelly because I couldn’t find a card for her. And this for not of lack of want. I only found one V-Day card for a sister, and it almost was like a sister to a sister. (that is the one I sent Katie.) I guess I would have to gone to West Virginia to find a V-Day card that speaks of brother-sister love. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that easy and bad joke.)

One to my friend who has stuck with me through our respective roller-coasters of life, no matter how much I hate that life metaphor. (Topic of future post)

And finally, one to my ex-girlfriend. It was hard to find a card a that fit our situation, but I did choose one that spoke of how she did love me and stood by me through the good and bad times we had. Even though her vision of what love is and mine don’t work together, she did/does love me in her way. And I felt I had to honor that.