Happy Father's Day

To the readers of my blog who are fathers, I wish you a Happy Father's Day.


This years is the first year in a long time that I sent my Dad a Father's Day card. You see, our relationship through the years has been strained, to say the least. I am not going to go into the details of our estrangement. I will keep that private between my father and I. Also, because we are still working through our reconciliation and I don't feel I can share some of the stuff without having his ok on it.

What I will talk about in this post are some of my feelings and the changes in perception that I have gone through this past year; changes that lead to me sending the first Father's Day card to my dad in roughly 7-10 years. If you've read my blog from the beginning you will recognize the following quote for Dr. Wayne Dyer: "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

Xmas 2004 was the first time I had called and talked with my Dad in about 2.5 years. And it was 2.5 years before that that I had talked or saw him last. Beyond that I can't remember. I guess at the crux of my apathy for communication, disdain and anger towards my father came from blaming him for most of the reasons of my parent's divorce. (There's other stuff, but again, maintaining privacy here.)

I guess I pushed him away or saw any retreat on his part as reason to push him away even farther. I thought I was alright with this. If Dad doesn't want to be part of my life, then fine! Fuck him! I then built a wall and facade of inner strength and said that I'm fine.

But I wasn't fine. And we all know what "fine" stands for:


Fucked Up
Insecure
Neuroitic
Emotional (Remember this saying for when your teenager tells you they're fine.)

What we resist, persists. Any anger, or negative emotion, we push down only returns in some other form and problem, most often more explosive and bigger than it original was. Ever try to stay afloat with a fully inflated ball between your legs? You ain't going to stay upright too long as the ball fights its way to the surface.

Such was me. I had the "Getting rid of you means getting rid of the pain" mentality. I had no contact with my Dad and I thought I was ok. But then why did I cry everytime there was a father-child moment on tv or a movie? And why did I become an asshole on Father's Day?

I read story in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. This guy had a college class where they had to write a one sentence thought down on an index card each Monday. They would give the card to the professor and he would return it on Friday with his response. One day this guy was so angry at his father he writes, "I am the son of an idiot!" The professors response was short and profound.

"Then what does the son of an idiot do for the rest of his life?"

This was a wake up call for the young man. He realized that he can not hold his anger towards his father as justification for his pissy mood or problems in his life. Ultimately, it comes down to the choices and decisions he makes that will steer the course of his life, not his father's.

Now, I am not saying my father is an idiot. Quite the contrary, he is quite the intelligent man. I think my love for Jeopardy and trivia comes from him. Also, he is the one who taught me how to play chess, a game I love to this day. But the professor's question still rings true in my life. "What does the son of an _______ do for the rest of his life?" Insert whatever word you'd like there. The fact comes down to that I have to decide how to feel and how to react and grow to the events and people of my life.

So I've decided that I have lived with the anger and negativity for too long. If the average life expectancy of an American male is 74-76 then I still have at least 15 years with my father still alive (well, if he quits smoking!!). Did getting rid of my father from my life get rid of the pain? Do I want to carry that negativity for another 15 years? Do I want to have those emotions inside me when I become a father one day? And do I want my father to pass without us ever coming to any resolution? Will that make the rest of my life pleasurable?

The answer is a resounding "No!"

The only thing, I've found, that gets rid of that inner pain is forgiveness. Drugs don't work. Alcohol doesn't work. Burying the pain under food doesn't work. Self-mutilation doesn't work. Becoming an over-achiever and workaholic doesn't work. And losing one's self in frivolous sex, nice and fun that it is, doesn't work either. So the time for forgiveness in my life has come.

Regarding forgiveness, here is a quote from a reviewer of the book Love is Letting Go of Fear by Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. "When we hold onto grievances we tend to use the past to predict a future in which we must be cautious and avoid being hurt. In contrast, giving love to others unconditionally will bring us the love that we all need. Forgiveness in this light does not mean that we tolerate behavior we don't like; it means correcting a misperception that we have been harmed; it means noticing our thoughts that create a fearful external world, choosing instead to see love in the world and to appreciate our common bond with others."

Hence, my call to my father last Xmas. I'm trying to call him every two to three weeks at least since then. I have emailed pictures of the important people in my life. And he reads my blog (when he doesn't get bogged down by my long-windedness.) to get to know me better. Are things 100% between me and him, have we broached some of the big issues between us yet? No. But we are making progress. "Baby-Steps!!" I think we have to get to know each other, for we have been strangers to each other for years, and work towards a friendship first.

But it feels good to let go of the past, the anger, the pain, and talk with him again. Speaking of which, I need to go now and give him a call.

(-Special thanks to Mrs. C. for her love, support and prayers regarding my relationship with my father. She took me to lunch after last Father's Day and we had a great discussion. Basically, she said, "Jim, my mother died before I was able to resolve things with her. You dad is still alive, you still have a chance. You can't go on living with pain in your heart for the rest of your life.")