Seeing My Reflection in the Mirror

One of the things I love most about my friend who visited me this past weekend is that she is such a great mirror for me. By mirror I mean that she reflects who I am, both good and bad, back to me so well. In this respect she is much like my best friend Steve, well except for the fact that she and I didn’t start out beating the crap out of each other. Also, she never told everyone in my high school class that I had had a testicle removed. (Yeah, I’m still a little pissed about that one 12 years later.) But I digress. What I wanted to talk about here was something that she reflected in me this weekend.

So my friend has a fear of commitment in relationships. Pretty common thing among our generation. She fears commitment because of the possibility of getting hurt and the fear of loss of freedom. I know that the opposite is true; that in a healthy, loving, positive relationship one is given the freedom, and love, to be Who They Really Are like in no other place. And the possibility of getting hurt is the risk one takes when being vulnerable. “Great Love and Great Achievement both involve Great Risk.” Taking risks is what life is about. If you get so scared that you never take them, well, that ain’t a life worth living. (No way am I implying that my friend doesn’t take risks. Anyone who ventures the New Jersey Turnpike for the first time to visit a friend is a risk taker!) But this post isn’t about her fear of commitment. . .it’s about mine.

I fear commitment because of an almost opposite reason. . .I fear that the relationship will actually work, that someone will truly love me. The thing I want most, intimacy, I push away. That is why I went three years without a relationship before my last girlfriend. I could say that I have extremely high, sometimes unrealistic standards, but the truth was that I didn’t want to let anyone in. I’ve even wrote a song on March 18, 1998 called “Turn Me Down” as a perfect example of this.

“In my denial I’ve built a wall against love
For if you said yes that means I’d have to give up

Turn Me Down, I can take the pain.
Turn Me Down, I can I handle it. . .I swear
Turn Me Down, Don’t make me guess
Turn Me Down, Just don’t, don’t say yes”

As I searched my files for those lyrics I came across a sonnet that I wrote on April 21, 1997 that had these words:

“Years of careful guarding of treasures great,
Have closed my soul to the light necessary,
To breach the castle walls and gates,
Of my heart’s innermost sanctuary.”

Class, can we say “Spider, you have issues.”? I knew you could!

And I really think this is different from typical male fear of commitment. My friend SweetAmberNYC said that and I had to disagree with her saying that my problems are anything but typical. I know most men fear commitment, so much so that it is a running joke among woman, though from what I know of my fellow men it is because they fear being hurt. I, on the otherhand, don’t care about getting hurt, about showing who I am. (It's about the thougth behind thought. Thanks Phil!) If you read the above lyrics, “I can take the pain, I can handle it I swear.” Pain is something to which I am accustomed. It comes with surviving a divorce of one’s parents and dealing with the issues I have had with my father. So pain is no problem. The thing I have trouble with is letting myself be happy and to be loved. (Then again, I guess it doesn't matter what the sponsoring thought is. If I am a man who fears commitment, I fall in in line with all the others. Damn, and I thought I was different.)

A surprising moment this weekend occurred when my friend and I went to eat lunch at Sal’s Pizza. (I really need to give my friend a name, don’t I? I’ll use a name based on her old screen name, Tesser.) So Tesser is talking to my former boss, the man who gave me my Spider nickname and was one of my “second fathers” when my parents split. And I expected him to tell her a funny story about when I worked there, or how I was this skinny kid who didn’t know much of anything. He proceeds to tell Tesser that I am one of the most caring, loving, genuine persons that he has ever met and that she will ever meet. I was completely blown away.

I bring this up because for as much as my boss said I am a loving person, and some of you may believe as well, I know I have a hard time letting myself be loved. And it is a lesson I know “God” has been trying to learn me over and over again. It is easier for me to hug than be hugged, to give love rather than receive. I think that it maybe because if you do really love me then you accept all of me, even the parts I can’t accept and don’t like about myself. But perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn. “We teach what we need to learn.” So many times have I helped people accept and love who they are, when it is I who needs to do the same. I think that is part of the appeal of Jesus’s life and story. He came to tell us that we are lovable no matter where we are in life whether we are a leper, a tax collector or a whore. Sometimes it is easier to be believe that God accepts us for who we are than it is for us to accept ourselves.

Looking back in my journal I found this quote I wrote down.

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees something worth loving.”
-Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages”

“. . .especially in those times when I am not able to see something worth loving in myself.”
- added in by me

So am I pushing people away until I hear that “Jim, I love you. I choose you.”? Is that why I stayed with my ex-girlfriend for so long even after I knew the relationship was not right? She chose me and I felt beholden to that. Or perhaps I felt that I wasn’t going to find another who would choose to love me, which is just an example of fear ( false evidence appearing real)? Also, I know this issue was something that must of irked her to no end. How many times she tried to help me, love me, when I was sick, in need of help, or just in normal times and I wouldn’t let her in. Because had I let her in I would have been able to let go of the pain and feel healing. But humans so often choose the pain they know rather than letting it go and trying something new.

SweetAmberNYC asked me regarding this quote how does this fit in with dating? Do I wait until I hear that “I choose you” thing or do I push away from the start? I laughed and said that I often don’t even get to the first date because of this even if I know a girl is nuts about me. I used to have a pattern of falling for girls who are had deep emotional issues. Totally cool people, but with issues I knew were not conducive for a relationship so I'd keep them at a distance or not ask them out. And then there has been some girls that I have liked for years, and known they’ve liked me, but I didn’t ask out because, again, I was more afraid of having them love and accept me on a deeper level.

I know this is stupid, paradoxical and in the end keeps me from the happiness I want and know I deserve. I also know though that in knowing this about myself I can work towards changing it. I can see a behavior and ask myself, “Spider, are you sure this is what you want? Will this bring you closer or push you further away?’ I can also let my friends know that if and when they start to feel resistance from me as they offer help, love or support to ask me “Spider, are you just saying that because of your bullshit pride?” If my friends can’t call me on my bullshit, who can?

Like the quote I used in an earlier post, “The day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." it’s time to change this part of me, time to bring it from the dark parts of my heart and into the light. And maybe it’s time to invite that someone in by telling her how I feel. What’s the worst that could happen, she’d love me? That ain’t so bad. ;-)