Martin Luther King Day, Prejudice Hurts

On Monday, it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. It’s a day in the United States of America that we are to supposed to remember the life and dream of Martin Luther King, Jr. and his work towards civil rights and freedom for all. Obviously, this holiday is more important in the African-American community than others. Unfortunately, as a whole, I think the people of this country have become complacent about civil rights and equality for all men regardless of race or ethnic background. Many just see this as a day off in January and are just thankful that they don’t have to work.

Why am I taking time to write on this day, and about this day in particular, especially since I am not a member of the African-American community? Because I had a recent experience with racism and prejudice that I want to share. And I want to remind you that for King’s dream to be achieved, we still have a lot of work to do.

So even though you may have guessed otherwise from the pictures I have posted, I’m not White. Or should I say, I am not 100% White. For the purposes of the census, I get counted as Puerto Rican. My grandparents were born in Ponce, Puerto Rico. My mother is first generation to be born here in the United States. So that makes me second generation. My father is the son of and Irish immigrant. So on his side I’m second generation as well.I don’t play up my Puerto Rican heritage. It’s not that I’m not proud of it. I just don’t see the need to be flamboyant and plaster my car in the P.R. colors and flags. I don’t need to have P.R. flag license plate. And unfortunately, I’ve let my Spanish speaking skills lax since I haven’t had a class since high school. However, it is something that partially defines my being, defines who I am. It is something that I cannot not change about myself.

That said, I’m and American. I grew up in New York, attended American schools and churchs, and have been socialized American. I can’t move to Puerto Rico and fit in. Likewise, I can not move to Ireland and fit in, even though I have citizenship. I’m an American, through and through.

Now all of this is a preamble so you understand me and where I come from. The recent incident of racism and prejudice came from the most unexpected source. . .someone I considered one of my best friends. I know that is one reason this hurts so much. You see, I’m used to acquaintances or coworkers making a mean-spirited Puerto-Rican joke or a comment about a “spic.” To which I’d off-handedly say, “Usted sabes ques mis abuelos son de Puerto Rico?/You do know my grandparents are from Puerto Rico?” Then they quickly back-track and apologize, weakly, with some ineffective remark like, “Oh, sorry I didn’t know.” Or “yeah, but you know you’re not like those other Puerto Ricans!” As if comments like that make it right.

And what my friend said goes beyond the playful joking of playing on our respective stereotypes. I say respective because we are both products of mixed/minority marriages. That’s perhaps one of the biggest ironies here. I’m not going to share what my friend said because there is no need to repeat the ugliness.

“Blah, blah, blah, Puerto Rican, blah, blah, blah.”

I know we were both intoxicated. And I know that some things come out. “From drunken mouths speak sober minds.” But this comment whether said truthfully, or in jest, inebriated or not, was not a comment that ANYONE who considered themselves to be one of my best friends would have even considered ever uttering at any point let alone believing!

After the words left his mouth, I was stunned. And unlike the Northern Blue, I don’t stun easily. How could someone who called me one of their best friends just hours before say that? Furthermore, how could someone, who is a half-breed like me, say this especially when recounting stories, just hours before, of facing racism in the South after getting a dark tan in the summer?! “Oh, I didn’t think they let your kind in here!” type stories.

Also, my friend prefaced the statement with another equally fucked up statement that shows that he knew what he was going to say was going to hurt. “If it comes back to me that you told your sisters and your mom, I’ll be so pissed!” To quote Sheila Broflofski of South Park, “What, what, what!?!” What do you mean, you’ll be pissed? You already know that what you are going to say is going to piss me off and hurt! You already know that what you are saying is wrong!

I really don’t know how to communicate to my friend how much this hurts without ripping his head off both literally and figuratively. I have NEVER been this angry with anyone. When my ex-girlfriend and I used to argue she’d say, “Jim, you’re yelling.” To which I’d reply, “No, this is just a heated discussion. You have never seen me yell! No one has!” I want to yell at my friend. Part of me is just ready to unleash the full, fiery fury of a Triple Aries on him. I am a Fire Sign times three. That means I have to work three times as hard to be humble, calm or any other emotion that is an opposite of anger, arrogance, violence, etc.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!! IF YOU HAD SAID ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR FRIENDSHIP WE WOULDN’T HAVE LASTED A WEEK LET ALONE YEARS!! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU A FRIEND WITH ANY SELF-RESPECT? HOW CAN I HANG WITH YOU AND EITHER OF MY SISTERS WITHOUT DYING FROM THE PAIN INSIDE? HOW CAN I LET YOU TALK WITH MY MOM KNOWING WHAT YOU SAID? HOW CAN I HONOR THE MEMORY OF MY GRANDFATHER WHO FOUGHT IN WWII, WAS AT THE LIBERATION OF AUSCHWITZ, FIGHTING SO HIS FAMILY CAN LIVE THE DREAM OF LIVING IN AMERICA AND STAY “BEST FRIENDS” WITH YOU?

HOW CAN YOU HONOR YOUR PARENTS MARRIAGE WHEN YOU MAKE A STATEMENT LIKE THAT? THEIR 30+ YEAR MARRIAGE IS A TESTAMENT OF THE STRENGTH OF LOVE OVER RACISM AND PREJUDICE!! HOW CAN I LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND SAY THAT “I LOVE YOU” AND CALL YOU A BEST FRIEND? HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM AND SAY THE SAME!?!

HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME AND SAY THE SAME!

I think what saved my friend's life is that just hours before we came to the agreement hours early, "No more fights." Plus, I know that I can't respond to a statement made in fear with a response generated in fear as well. I need to get to the point where I can responsd with love.

I haven't gotten there yet.

I do know that this person is not my best friend. My best friends know that where my grandparents were born has NO bearing on the tenor of my character. My best friends appreciate and value my mixed heritage and the richness that it brings to my life.

So while I may have taken down walls and let this person in close, closer than other friends, there will now be "healthy boundaries." There has to be. I love myself, I love my family, too much.

That's the funny part. The day after I last saw my friend I had so many reminders of my Puerto Rican/Hispanic heritage. My co-worker brought in Puerto Rican pastries for breakfast. My sister and I went out to the dinner for Columbian food. I spent the evening with my aunt, uncle and cousins. I was driven home by my sister's friend, a full-blood Columbian, who is one of the most genuinely good persons I have ever met.

And I laughed and I cried inside. Because my friend will never again know the level of love and fun that I or my family have to give.

Prejudice hurts from where ever it comes. And like Martin Luther King, I have a dream that one day all of us will live in an America, in a world, where a man or women is not judged by the color of his/her skin, the happenstance of his/her parentage, the biological chance of their inborn sexuality, but by the content of his or her heart.

Until that day, I will stand with those who stood, and still stand, along Martin Luther King and I will peacefully fight for that change.

Edited to Add: P.S. I know this particular friend won't read this post because he doesn't have a computer.