Moving, Sleeping with your Best Friend, & Home Revisted Again.

The origins of this post started back in May with the bulk being written in June and July. I was trying to find the right time to post it and it just got put on the back burner. The reason I am dragging it out now is because my friend, SweetAmberNYC made reference to some of my early posts where I wrote about the concept of home. (Look in the February Archives.)

SweetAmberNYC is a Brooklyn girl through and through. But she recently moved to the Bronx to find a new apartment with her new boyfriend. This is what she wrote:

“Going back to calling a place like Brooklyn my home brings me back to an old Blog my friend Spider once wrote. In the Blog he questioned whether home is a place or a feeling. I think it can be a combination of both, but I digress. Rather than rehash his entire thought on the definition of home, I'll say this: home is where the heart is, and although I love Brooklyn dearly and my heart will always be there I found out I have a new home. It is with Anthony. Home, no matter what the Borough or neighborhood, is where he is.”

This reminds me of why I had started writing this post back in May. I wrote it with the intention being about my sister Katie and her new boyfriend. They had been best friends for two years before the started dating. Actually, we talked about it on Friday May 27th about an hour after I had just gotten checked out by a midget. (You remember that post right?) I had just picked up Uh-Oh by Robert Fulghum, and I shared with Katie an essay about home and dating your best friend. Here is what he wrote:

"How Will I know when to get married or even if I should get married?"

A question asked of me by a former student who has been living with a man for three years. Their romance began in college and kept right on going through graduate school and into the "real" world of jobs and setting up housekeeping. Marriage was not in their plans because as long as things worked out just living together and taking life one day at a time, why should they mess with a good thing? But she’s twenty-seven now. "And. . .well. . .you know. . ." she says, shrugging with eyebrows raised in that gesture people use when words can’t get at exactly what’s on their minds.

Well, I do know, as a matter of fact. One of the long-term benefits of having taught school is the ongoing relationship with people who come along behind me going through all the stages of growing older. And I’ve had this conversation before. Quite a few befores, actually.

Here’s Fulghum’s Formula for Marriage Testing, as passed on to my young friend:

"Heather, give me your first gut reaction to three questions." She’s ready.

"First, if I asked you to take me and introduce me to the person you’ve known at least five years and think of as your closest friend in all the world, who would it be?"

Her eyes answer. "Him."

"Second, if I asked you to take me to where ‘home’ is for you, where would it be?"

Her eyes answer. "Wherever he is."

"Third, do you ever lie in bed at night with him, cuddled up spoon fashion, your backside to his front-side and his arms around you and neither one of you is thinking of sex; instead you are thinking how content you are just being there like that - at home with your closest friend who just happens to be the man you love?"

Quiet. She was in tears. "How did you know?"

Well, for one thing, I have a home of my own.

And I told her that if he feels the same way, they’re married and just don’t know it yet. I pronounced them husband and wife right there.


Katie said that he got how she felt right on. I wonder if SweetAmberNYC would feel the same about Anthony. Knowing her, I am sure she does, though they haven’t been friends for five years yet.

I hope Katie’s boyfriend is able to stick with her. I say this because Katie’s in a world of crap right now and her boyfriend is probably the only shining light. I won’t deny that a lot, if not most, of my sister’s drama is by her creation, however there are forces outside her control that have dealt her a very crappy hand.

Of course, the big part of the game of life is how you play your cards, no so much what you’re dealt. I think Katie needs to play very hard and smart for the next few years, and when the next draw comes around, which it will, toss out some cards for new ones. Though when that times comes I hope she’s smart enough not to toss away her boyfriend. That’s one card she needs to keep to her chest.

And that’s a lot for her big brother to say.

As for how Robert Fulghum’s story relates to her older brother. . .well, I’m not going to share right now. I know I have been really open and honest about my feelings and life’s journey in the blog, and you all have come to expect that from me, but for now that’s a card I’m playing to my chest.