6 Month Review, Summary of Changes, Hints of Things to Come

Morning. Yes, it is morning right now, but I am saying that more as a greeting. Coffee hasn't kicked in so I couldn't say "Good Morning!" just yet. It is a bright July day and the sun is shining over Manhattan as the morning haze gets burned off. That's right, I said Manhattan. I can see the City from my desk as I type as the apartment I moved into has an unobstructed view. As a matter of fact, the I can see the Empire State Building from my chair right now.

Where am I? Well, I moved in with my fiancée during the first two weeks of July. I’ll never do that again. What, move in with my fiancée? No, make a move over two weeks. Next time, getting it all done in one shot! I now live basically in Hoboken, NJ, birthplace of baseball and Frank Sinatra. Great! Now I have such huge things to live up to while living here! Like I need that kind of pressure in my life.

Oh yeah, the whole fiancée thing. I really didn’t blog about it did I? That’s pretty big news! It happened on Saturday, June 23rd. Well, my fiancée did a whole better job of writing about it than I could over at her blog, in(de)finitely. You can read about it there and see the video and pictures. (Actually, I am really just too lazy to write out my own version of the day. ;-) )

So it’s a big life change. At the same time, it feels the right thing to do. . .even while simultaneously feeling fear and uncertainty. I wish I could lie and say I don’t have the same stereotypical male commitment issues and fears as the rest of my species. A friend of mine on his MySpace blog wrote about how his new relationship is making him rethink the rigid “rules” and structures he has put in his life as survival mechanisms. This new person is challenging them all. And he is faced with the decision of keeping those rules and losing her, or letting go, changing those rules around (or losing them altogether) to have her stay in his life. And I am talking about changes here in a positive sense. This isn’t situation where she’s the nagging girlfriend that makes a guy change so much that all his guy-friends end up resenting her. (*cough* Yoko Ono *cough* ) Change like the kind my friend is writing about is called “growing up.” And that’s good thing.

Is Spider growing up, then? Yes and no. I’d like to think of it as getting better. And also as darn good sense. How many of us have been Desperados in our lives? Out riding the fences of life thinking that things we do are pleasing us, but when really they’re hurting us. Perhaps, many good things have been laid upon our table, but we’ve pushed them away. Our rules and beliefs we’ve set up on how our lives are supposed be often end up limiting us and prevent us from experiencing the joy that Life wants to give us. “This is just the way my life is!” we’d say vehemently in defense of those beliefs rather than change them. The heart of the matter, besides forgiveness, is that is not the way our lives have to be. It’s just the way we choose them to be; it’s the story we tell ourselves. When we change the story we choose to follow, everything changes. It's that simple. (P.S. That book the link goes to will change your life! I highly recommend it.)

But it gets lonely out there doesn’t it? Don Henley was a great observer when he wrote,

“Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?"

But staying out there in the cold is our own damn fault, isn't it? Whatever ego defense mechanism you use, you end up pushing away the love the Universe is trying to get you. After awhile, you get tired of that. Well, most people do. And you seek to follow Don's advice,

"Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late"

Letting that somebody love you (and love you in the healthy way, not is the co-dependent Romeo & Juliet way and vice versa) isn't "settling down." I never settle. If anything, I settle up. My fiancee loves me more than I can imagine. And I can imagine pretty big. I guess that's why proposed to her. (Ok, it's not a guess.) I know my married friends know what I am talking about here.

Anyway, I digress as I have strayed far pff on some tangent. And since I can't think of how to bring it back, I'll just abruptly change topics. So I am taking a new direction in life. Along with the move to NJ, I have started a new career path and enrolled in the Institute for Therapeutic Massage. This is decision is more than to become just a full time massage therapist. But that will have to wait till a future blog post.

Hope all is well you, my friend. I'll write more soon. I promise.