I Shared My Darkest Secret

The above picture comes from PostSecret, a blog where people anonymously share a secret on a postcard and mail it in to be shared on internet. Every Sunday, there are a new set of secrets posted. A few weeks ago, they had the above picture. I downloaded it, along with others, because it really touched me.

Why?

Do you remember me asking this question, " If I let a friend into the darkest room of my heart, would they, could they, love me still even if I can't love myself because of it?" back in July. (If you don't, you can go check out the blog post titled "Reflections from Time Off.")

Well, on Tuesday I finally sent off an envelope containing a letter in which I told that friend my deepest darkest secret. It took close to three months to write because I am very longwinded in my writing (like that comes to any surprise to you regular readers) and I have been insanely busy. The package contained over 100 pages of printed word, with 3/4 of it being stuff I wrote. (My friend doesn't have a computer so I print out my blogs and sent them to her.) The letter detailing my darkest secret came out to 28 pages. Another friend said that at 28 pages it doesn't count as a letter anymore, but rather a manuscript.

I experienced two emotions as I sent off the letter. One was relief that I finally finished the letter and told someone what I had been carrying inside for years. The other was fear; the fear expressed in the italicized question above. I knew that it would only be a couple of days until she got the package and read the letter.

Early Friday evening she calls me saying she had read it all that afternoon. Both of us were out running errands, so we planned a phone date for later in the night. We ended up talking for hours, as we often do. Not going to go all into detail about what we talked about. I will say that my fear was unnecessary. I think the part that meant the most to me was when she said, "I'm proud of you. (for sharing it all) And I love you now, even more than before!"

With tears in my voice, I replied, "Thank you."

My friend then went on and said, "And I think that you're a shithead to think even for one moment that I wasn't going still love you after you told me!" Go ahead, laugh at that comment. I did. Yeah, I was shithead for doubting her and our friendship. I guess fear can be awful powerful at times. Just got to keep remembering that there is something always stronger than fear.

"And now Faith, Hope, and Love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is Love."